Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks for the well wishes friends! I am noting everything down that D and H talk about that she tells me. I also write on here too, so I have notes everywhere:)

My Thanksgiving was nice. It was a nice time at my grandmothers with my family and of course my girls. My oldest had a really hard day yesterday that ended with a meltdown of tears. I was very compassionate, as always, and even though she was taking a lot of her anger out on me and refused to shop the late night sales, I told her that I understood. It was hard for me that she didnt want to spend time with me because she was angry at her dad:( Im hoping this will get better for her as time goes on??

She had a very hard time with H not being there for dinner. I amazingly, was not affected much with his absence...probably because of the distraction of family, but she asked to leave numerous times and said it was just too sad and was crying. I felt sad for her...as she doesnt deserve this.

H did come by yesterday to our house before we left for grandmas and he brought the girls a card (NEVER HAS HE EVER BOUGHT THEM A CARD SINCE THEY HAVE BEEN BORN) and gave them $20 to go shop with. He was here about 10 minutes and during that time I came downstairs and saw him for the first time since court. I came down with a smile, all dressed for Thanksgiving and of course, my belly sticking out...since I am 6 months pregnant! He hasnt seen me or my belly, so he said "wow" and he reached out and laid his hand on my stomach. I immediately, but not meanly, sidestepped and then proceeded to put my own hands on my belly and said "yeah, he's a big boy in there!" I looked him straight in the eye the entire time I talked to him and he kept looking down at my stomach...he asked if the baby was kicking a lot...first time ever he has actually asked about baby and not just how IM feeling. The girls were standing there too...and it was a tad ackward for us all. I didnt mean to move so quickly when he touched me, but I was not expecting him to be so quick to naturally touch my stomach....I was caught off guard.

I have to say, that while talking to him for those few minutes, I swear that I saw emotion in his eyes and I think that it was maybe hard for him to see me, my belly, our kids and him all together in the kitchen on Thanksgiving day. I could be wrong, and Im not reading into anything at all...but I know he was a tad sad. I started to finish my appetizer I was making, so my back was towards him by now and he left and just said bye to me and gave the girls hugs and kisses. As soon as he left, my oldest ran to her room and bawled...that is what started her crying and upsetness for the day.

I really thought that him coming by would upset me the most and ruin my day, but I was fine. It was my D that was affected and now she claims she isnt going to grandmothers for Christmas because she will never get through that day if she cannot get through Thanksgiving:( I was sad for her. She kept saying that she knew he was with OW and her family and I just said to her that if he was, we had to remember that we were with 20 people who genuinely love and care about us and that if he was there with OW that those people don't know and love him...so we are the lucky ones.

She is better today and she went to stay the night at my cousins house which as good for her. My youngest is at a friends and I have to admit, that I have spend my entire night crying over H. I went out today and did great shopping with my bestfriend....we got lots done and we were up at 4am and got home about 3pm...so my feet and back were tired!!! I was fine today except for the occasional glance in the store mirrors and thinking that no wonder he left me for OW... my self esteem is in the toilet right now since he said all those mean things to me weeks ago. I know I need to move on from that, but its hard and of course, Im pregnant!!! I also hated seeing all the couples together, shopping for their kids and most people happy and in the spirit. I tried and we did have lots of laughs today, but as soon as I got home and walked into my empty house, I sobbed....and I Havent stopped:(

I just have had one of those "woe is me nights" and cant stop thinking about how he can do this to me and us...why I wasnt worth it? Does he know the anguish and hurt I feel inside? He will never know, because I dont let him know..but I just feel like Im dying inside sometimes. I have to admit, that I really think I need to be back on my AD, but I cannot do that until after baby because I dont want to risk the babys health. I was on for my anxiety and I think that is why I cannot stop obsessing about what he is doing and WHY??

Anyway, Im glad I got out today and got some presents bought! We are decorating for Christmas tomorrow...getting tree up and I collect nativity scenes, so its always a pleasure getting them all out and around the house. My house always looks so beautiful during the holidays. I know that it will be hard tomorrow to decorate the tree without H and to hang one less stocking too...but I also know that he is the one missing out...and Im here getting to enjoy what we can with my girls during this hard time. He only has OW to enjoy it with...it must be a lonely life. I hope that the girls and I can smile, laugh, listen to Christmas music and enjoy our decorating tomorrow....that is my goal for the day!

I was reading under the MLC discussion about how holidays are hard for the MLCer or the WAS. Im not so sure that H is MLC...but regardless of what he is, I think that its true..the holidays will probably be very hard for him to not be here and celebrating all our family traditions. I must say, he was very nice yesterday when he came here to say Happy Thanksgiving...not happy or anything, kinda somber, but nice.

One of my very first goals when I started writing them down when H first left, was to be in a better place by the holidays. I havent achieved that goal, because I dont know that I have made a lot of progress..but I do know that I understand a bit better about what he is going through and his possible feelings and reasons..and that he is unfixable...and I have all of you on the board to thank for that. For helping me see that Im not alone, ever...even tonight when I feel so lonely and sad.

Thank you for all your hugs, advice and concern!