Last thread was over 100 posts so decided to start a new one.
I mentioned about a month ago that H told me he was thinking of leaving the country (we live in Sudan) and moving to Dubai for work reasons. He wants us all to go, regardless of the sitch. He never mentioned anything about us, or R, or OW, what it would look like if we moved. And I never asked.
In principle I do not mind moving. Despite mine and H's R I do not want the kids to be separated from H too.
Since H's father passed away in Sep 2010, H left our house, moved in with OW, found his own place, asked to D about a dozen times, lied about OW, travelled with OW, broke up with OW, got back together with OW, and is now in PA with OW. This is not to mention the SPEW SPEW SPEW he has thrown on me, to me and about me. Also, he has barely been home since Sep 2010-and I mean in the same city as me and the kids. He has been traveling and jumping from place to place almost non-stop. In Jan of this year he left everything and moved to another city to start a new project.(OW was with him)
Now he wants to jump again. I feel like I am watching him run from one mirage to another. I haven't seen him stand still once and take stock of whats going on around him. Of the damage he is eating in his wake.
And I see him no happier than he was years ago. Except when he is with his kids (actually, when I hear him on the phone he is perfectly happy. And he seems to be having a ball with his friends, staying up late and partying on his MLC boat. It just me that gets the grump and the spew).
Side note-I left to Dubai on Wednesday after work. H moved in to the house to stay with the kids. When I left he was preparing food for the BBQ he had already planned with his guy friends over at the house that night. Its funny isn't it? He works so hard still to show how much of an obstacle I am in his life. If it weren't for busting, I could live at home. If it weren't for busting, I could have my friends around. If it weren't for busting, OW and I could be happy, sorry friends, you can't come over because busting lives there, but she is gone now so come over and play....
What I am trying to say is that, throughout this journey so far, I have come to the conclusion over and over again that I will to my best to understand H's crisis so that I can stop reacting and instead respond. So that I don't make emotional decisions.
Also, to be honest, the more I understand, the easier it is for me to become detached and to not deal with him in anger.
I also want to be able to encourage him to be an involved father.
My point is, he mentioned this move to Dubai again yesterday.
Something gnawed at me. What if he plans to move OW out there too? Isn't that a ridiculous fear? I don't know. He is capable of anything I think.
I think about the way he has spoken about me to some of his new friends and extended family members...they don't even acknowledge my existence.
I think about the lies. I think about the deceit. Maybe he thinks it would be a fresh start for him and her.
I don't want to go to Dubai to be his glorified nanny for our kids. So he can carry on with OW, and his bachelor lifestyle while I am ensuring our kids are near by.
I also don't want to live away from him in another country.
I can't pressure him to R or make a condition that if we move we have to R.
If he D's me, would I follow him to Dubai still? I don't want to be in a different country than him, but if we were to D, it seems more 'ok' to live in different countries. Although the point of staying in the same country is for the kids.
Yet, I certainly do not want to leave the comfort of my home and my newly found seeds of healing, just to be thrown into a new city, with no friends or family (H has friends in Dubai so he would be fine, and he has OW), no H and having to observe H living his life, while I have to start all over again.
The only reason I am still in Sudan is because of H (the only reason I came here in the first place). I have my family in Egypt.
I just don't know. It is still not final. But I also feel like I should maybe talk to H about this. I fear it will result in rejection of how I feel again, and backlash.
However, if he does decide that it is best work wise, and then I bring up my concerns, its not fair to him, because right now, from what I have told him, is that I don't mind in principle and that I don't want the family geographically separated.
If I bring it up now, before he does make a final decision, I could just be opening up a can of worms that from his perspective will be a reason to spew and bring up R talk. And I have no desire to bring up R talk now.
I did mention, softly and subtly that I wonder if its worth considering giving some time to his work here in Sudan and giving it more of a chance to succeed. I wanted to say to just sit still for awhile and stop jumping but i didn't. I know he os not receptive yet to that kind of talk. So my thought tis to keep it work related.
I am concerned. I am concerned about him. I hope I am wrong. Maybe I am way off base. But I do think this move is largely another attempt to run and find that elusive happiness. I want to encourage him to standstill not to hold him back but to try and gain perspective. But maybe I am wrong.
Maybe I am just scared that if this happens, he will be able to live openly with OW (its very difficult for him to do that here in Sudan), and I will have to watch him living his life with OW.
I welcome any opinions, thoughts, advice or 2x4s.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
