Don't confuse your 180's with pursuing behavior. In the past, I've seen a lot of LBH's tell each other that it's okay if they are doing it in order to be a better person. You can dress it up, but it's still pursuing.
What you told her isn't near as bad as some things. I'm sure you did mean what you said to her. But, she knows that she would have appreciated being told this same thing many, many times in the past. The thought that so many WAW's have is "too little and too late". It is the big killer!
If the two of you are living in separated homes or she has filed for D, I believe the WAW
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe the WAW really needs a preview shot of how life would be without the H and all the family activities together. (To continue to share holidays isn't showing that reality to her.) IMHO, that does as much (if not more) than the H trying to show her all his wonderful changes. She isn't interested in him changing. She use to want him to change, but now it's too little - too late. Remember how MWD describes the WAW in her article?
Also remember that the WAW is in a fantasy that she created. Know what shatters a fantasy? Reality!
Don't sweat what you told her this time, but I would be careful not to do this on a regular basis. If you get another chance to be her H....then by all means, use it.
Hope I didn't confuse you more.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You have actually clarified things, or at least reinforced what I have been feeling lately. I had been up in the air about Christmas, leaning toward not spending it together. I know people say to do it for the kids, but I don't plan on being single forever.
And since nothing I have been doing seems to have any affect, I think it is time to really work at letting her go. Hard to do when I see her so often.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
You have actually clarified things, or at least reinforced what I have been feeling lately. I had been up in the air about Christmas, leaning toward not spending it together. I know people say to do it for the kids, but I don't plan on being single forever.
And since nothing I have been doing seems to have any affect, I think it is time to really work at letting her go. Hard to do when I see her so often.
We have separate plans for Christmas, and it is hard. However, faking it for the kids is not a good idea. They see right through things.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
So since there doesn't seem to be much movement of my wife towards me I have decided to work towards moving on/dropping the rope. As I have said before, and as Sandi has reinforced in me, I believe it will only be then that I may see some sort of chance again. I have not lost hope, nor will I ever. I still believe that someday I will have another chance with my w, and my family will be whole again. This will probably be my last post for awhile, as it seems the more time I spend on here the more I focus on my w.
I will continue to become a better person, a better father, and a better friend. I will continue to try and speak all 5 love languages to everyone in my life. I have enjoyed going to church, so I will continue down that path, as it is a way to spend quality time with my w.
Sandi, if you read this I want to say thanks, but I would also like to say something else. Your advice, along with GroceryKartMan, in my particular sitch seemed to be spot on. GKM helped me to find answers within myself, and you Sandi helped me to understand my w. I will say that when you write with compassion it is easier to digest. I know you are trying to get through to all of us, but for myself your first couple of posts almost felt like salt in a extremely deep and fresh wound. You wrote things that I needed to hear, it is just that at that time I needed the ever wise version, rather than the drill sargeant.
Without this forum, I would probably still be lost at sea. You have all helped me to realize that it is my choice to be happy regardless of anyone else's actions. That in itself will be one of the most important lessons that I can pass to my children. Thanks again to everyone.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So since there doesn't seem to be much movement of my wife towards me I have decided to work towards moving on/dropping the rope. As I have said before, and as Sandi has reinforced in me, I believe it will only be then that I may see some sort of chance again. I have not lost hope, nor will I ever. I still believe that someday I will have another chance with my w, and my family will be whole again. This will probably be my last post for awhile, as it seems the more time I spend on here the more I focus on my w.
Eyes, That sounds so wise and so strong. I am using your words as motivation to do the same myself. I have been toiling away, covertly pursuing for too long.
My stbx is desperate for space from me. Time i took notice and acted appropriately.
So I know I said I was taking some time away from here, but something happened and I could use some advice.
Last night when I dropped the kids off with my w, I mentioned that I would like to buy our niece and nephew(on her side) a Christmas gift. This upset her, so I told her if it bothers you I will not do it. I said goodbye to the kids and left. A little while later I received this text, "I realize you can not control how your family acts towards me, but I have talked to mine and that is the reason they are always nice to you. If I were to buy something for O and B(my niece and nephew) it would probably be tossed. I am probably just jealous that you feel you can still buy for my niece and nephew.
I have not responded to this and I know that I don't have to. Wondering at what point do we as LBS's say bullshit?
I would like to reply this, W, I wasn't sure how or if I should reply to your last text, but after thinking about it I would like to say bullshit. I don't believe for one second that the only reason your family is nice to me is because you asked them to be. It couldn't be because they know that more than anything I want my family together, that I continue to love, support and respect their daughter even after she walked out. It couldn't be because I am a man that has admitted my mistakes, apologized for them and is trying to change the things about myself that I can change. And your right I can not control my family, but I have talked to them and I know the love for you is still there, but they are very hurt by all of this. Have they handled it the best, probably not, but that is not for either of us to judge. I assume that both sides are acting they way they are because they know which one of us is standing for their family, and which one of us walked out the door.
Is there a better way to handle this, maybe some way to validate, leave it alone and not reply, or call her out?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
