Heather, After Thanksgiving, you may want to do a thorough walk through of your home and barn. There may be more things that he has taken and didn't tell you about.
Your h and daughter will need to work out their relationship.
Don't respond...start enjoying YOUR holiday!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a really nice Thanksgiving. Stayed home and cooked for the girls and my mom. Set it all up like I would for a whole family group and it was really nice. We ate by candlelight with a fire going and I made some really, really good food! It was actually fun to cook without H's many moods hovering around and worrying about his crazy, controlling family, etc... I enjoyed cooking and enjoyed the girls. We all said it was one of the best Thanksgivings.
Spoke to my MIL yesterday-called to wish her a Happy T--she told me they hadn't seen H since Sept. I was a bit shocked. I learned he wasn't spending Thanksgiving with his family either--said he was working? I let her know that I had invited H to our house for the evening--it was important to me that she know I had reached out after H had made me out to be such a monster last spring.
I gave her a brief synopsis of what happened with the Jeep Doors and how the vehicle is stored at OW's house and how I put my foot down about his coming over. I felt kinda funny about telling her and told her not to repeat the information, but they are really worried and have NO idea where or what he's doing. It felt good to be on the same page with them about the phantom.
Yesterday, H wished me a Happy Thanksgiving via text...yadda, yadda,yadda... I didn't respond. I told him Happy TH. the day before when I set my boundaries about him coming over.
I almost floundered and invited him again when I heard that he had turned down his sister's invitation and wasn't spending Thanksgiving with his family either. But, I didn't cave. Didn't invite him--again. Didn't text.
He has been texting D18 compulsively since I laid down my boundary about the Jeep Doors and the OW. D18 didn't respond. He was going to fix our jeep tonight and I sent a brief text this morning saying D18 had to work and would need a ride back and forth if he took the our jeep to get fixed. He responded with a short "Did she apologize to the neighbors about the mailboxes?"
Jeez, what the he!! Why is he obsessing about this now that he was busted about the OW again? I responded "Yes" just to get him off our backs and had D18 sit down and write the apology notes in front of me. H and I DID agree she had to handle the apology for running over the mailboxes and set up a payment plan with both neighbors before our jeep was fixed.
So, get this. The H that never follows through on anything. Called the neighbors to check up on me. Texted me that he had spoken to one of the neighbors and they had never received the note. What in the ...? Sends me this angry text. So, I try to keep calm and phone him. He doesn't answer.
Calls back with this nasty attitude..."What?" Gives me a few words with an obvious angry attitude--the "I blame you, you are a lousy parent, See this is why I left you kinda tone."
I kept calm. Agreed it was important she follow through on the apologies. Didn't apologize myself or tell him I lied. Just said that I agreed and I would follow through with her and let him know.
Drove D18 to both neighbors and watched her hand the notes to them. Texted as much.
He sent me a lengthy explanation why he can't take the jeep to get fixed tonight because the mechanic is busy. I said it was fine and works better for me. Have a nice day.
He answered "You too. I will let you know when I can fix the jeep."
He sounded so angry. right back to hating me. Began thinking he didn't answer the phone the first time because he spent the night with her. Maybe he did. At first, felt like I pushed him right back into her arms.
Not going to let it ruin the rest of the weekend though. He must be pretty miserable again. Prob got high after he was busted about the doors. For all I know, his mom talked to him. I don't think so though. Thinking he just feels lousy about doing yet another dishonest, selfish thing and missing Thanksgiving with his fam for the first time in more than 20 years.
Good news is...I'm still ok.
That's the news. Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When I went to bed last night, I felt so OK without him. I think one of the worst fears was the idea of spending a holiday like this without him. But, it was OK. I actually felt NOT all that interested in reconciling. Made me kinda sad. Like those feelings for him are disappearing with every dumba$$ thing/lie/action he takes.
I was really proud of myself for not reaching out to him. I'm betting it was a bit of surprise for him because I've always been so weak with him. I didn't communicate at all with him on Thanksgiving!! I kinda can't believe it. A big 180 for me.
Other thing...My dad left my mom for his secretary in much the same manner when I was 13. They eventually married and my mom married this very unstable man with lots of money. I remember my mom inviting my dad to our first Thanksgiving after they separated and it was so weird. Mom played the part of the saint and he left her anyway.
Mom has been slowly extracting herself from her marriage with Nutso Step Dad for the past few years. She discovered he was having two very involved affairs which required a lot of lies and planning on his part. Recently, she's been looking for an apt. So, she called me the other day and invited the girls and I over to the house for a "last" Thanksgiving at the house "for him." I'm like, "for who?" She answered for donald--(stepdad). I told I wouldn't attend.
So, she's sitting at our house yesterday and reveals how stepdad had abandoned her many, many holidays. That she had never told us kids because she didn't want us to worry. Apparently, he would take his OW to his family's in PA!! Seriously!!>?>>??? No wonder I'm such a doormat. AND< after all that crap, she wants to have a "Last Supper" for HIM??????
She went on to say, "Oh there's lots you guys don't know. You would be horrified by some of the things he did." ????? I changed the subject.
How weird is that? I guess I see where I get my submissive habits with men.
Made me feel better about my Thanksgiving decision.
So sad.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hafta admit, there's a part of me disappointed he didn't show up at the doorstep full of apologies and flowers and chocolates and diamond rings after spending his first Thanksgiving away from me in 23 years.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ah, a fellow doormat. So many here sound so strong, I thought perhaps I was the only marshmallow here.
I am very glad you came to peace with your Thanksgiving
It is interesting (often in a horrible and sad way) to see how generations repeat behaviors. StepS reports he's leaving baby mama of 2 with 1 on the way. I am NOT impressed. H just says "Well if he's not happy...."
HAH
What happens if these WAS leave and are STILL not happy? Then who do they get rid of?
I feel a rant coming on and don't want to pollute your thread. LOL, some days I need a keeper
Your handling of your sitch is very impressive. Good job, well done
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Dontcha just want to slap some sense into them? In what world does running away solve the problem? This isn't rocket science.
I think naive women run in our family. I think we have a tendency to believe in the wrong people or, in some ways, I see how I created a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting my H up on a pedestal and trusting every little thing he did--not trusting my own instincts and demanding some truth and respect. Still, maybe I didn't ask because I knew I wouldn't get it.
My H is very damaged. I see that now. My mom's situation helps me see how blind I've been myself. As a kid, I wished, more than anything, for my mom to be able to stand on her own two feet without a man propping her up and treating her badly. Maybe I'm getting a chance to be that woman myself.
Will see.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
No, you don't want to slap them...you want to do brain surgery...the entire brain needs to be revamped.
I'm sorry he's still acting like a PIA. He was determined to find some flaw/fault in you and your daughter...why? Because he wanted you to be as miserable as he is. Who the h@ll is he to be questioning your parenting skills? If he was so darn interested in whether or not your daughter had apologized, he would have made the "effort" to come get her and drive her around to the neighbors to ensure that she had apologized. He needs electric shock treatments for a good long while.
I'm very glad to see that Thanksgiving turned out well for you. Don't allow this man to walk all over you. He needs to look at himself in the mirror before casting stones at others.
I hope the rest of your weekend will be fun and relaxing. Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I think I would let it go this time. Choose your battles in order to win the war. If he does it again, I would then advise him that what goes on in your home or w/you is your business only.
He may not have inquired about you at all, but said that to smooth the waters because his main objective was to see if his daughter had apologized. I can't even imagine him calling your neighbors to inquire about you...just not in his current mlc nature.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
