At least he's thinking about his parents. He's working through some issues in his head and talking out loud about them. This is good.
You are doing great! Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Are you sure about this Snodderly? It doesn't seem that way to me. I "know" that I'm to believe nothing of what he says, but find his evaluation of me and our M EXTREMELY PAINFUL.
Some days I can barely function. And I try to avoid him during these periods of upset but he'll catch me looking upset/crying and asks with total bewilderment, "What's wrong with you?" I've taken to simply saying "Today is not one of my better days." Some times he'll let it drop at that but other times he wants details and if I try to be vague or change the subject well then the press is on. IDK what the best practice is for these instances.
(Stop having crying days I suppose lol. But that's so much easier said than done. )
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Yes, I am very sure about the fact that you are doing great. You've got a better understanding of what is going on and yes, you are starting to take care of yourself and "not worry" about him too much. You have to remember that I am on the outside looking in and can see things when you post.
Your sense of humor is coming to light.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thankfully, I haven't had any opportunity to cry in front of H, because I cry very easily. But I have been making a list of things he does that upset me, so I can plan what to do ahead of time to deal with it. Just thinking about my thinking helps me be more objective about the situation.
I made a list of things I could do to divert my attention: take a walk, sing a song, clean the basement.
And a list of things to calm me down: listening to an ocean wave CD, baking cookies, lighting candles, taking a hot bath.
And a list of affirmations: I can do this. I got this. I can handle this. All is well. I'm not taking this personally.
Having the prepared response, "Today is not one of my better days" is a great idea. Maybe having several different versions of that at the ready would help when he's pressing you.
We had a decent weekend. On Saturday H put up our Christmas lights, and we watched a RedBox movie. Sunday was of course football all the live long day lol.
Sunday evening H turned to me after complaining of a headache and said "Maybe I have a brain cloud". (This is from one of his favorite movies, Joe vs the Volcano) I told him I had just been thinking the same thing (which I had a few days before.) When he says things like that it makes me think that maybe he is aware, on some level, that he's not functioning with clarity. That was the end of the discussion and there haven't been any other revelations.
I still want to shake him until his teeth rattle.
No luck for either of us on the job front. My unemployment runs out the end of this year. I am trying to "accentuate the positive" and think how nice it is that I get to be home for the holidays, which I truly do like. But the worry-wolf is howling.
These are such dark days. I wish they were in the rear view mirror.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Last night H got fed up with S16 when the child didn't do anything to be upset with. (IMO) H fumed and fumed. Just before sleep he told me he feels he doesn't "Feel like he fits in with this family." That may well be true. When the kids were little H was never home - either at work or playing/coaching sports 7 days a week from early in the morning until late at night. Then when the kids were a little older he didn't want to be bothered with the noise etc. Recreation time was spent partying with H's employees. Then we had a long stretch where the kids got into sports and H was all about that. Going to games, coaching etc. Now they're all older and H's drifting away from them again. IMO he never did invest in their "person", their individuality. The only time he has consistently been involved with them was through sports. Currently he seems to think that if they don't regard him as the messiah and sit with rapt attention to every thing he utters then they are "useless" and H is "wasting his time".
But.
But now H turns to his 3 kids from his two previous Ms. THEY seem to be dandy and desirable. Never mind that THEY were hardly on his radar screen for most of their growing up. I wonder what they think about Hs sudden change of interest? Please understand, I am GLAD he's reconnecting with these children. I have always encouraged more contact. But to hear about how those kids are his worthwhile kids while ours are not is UPSETTING. To say the least.
Hard to watch our kids realize where they now fall in the pecking order.
Sigh. I have a splitting headache. Have to go Thanksgiving grocery shopping. The kids are looking forward to their favorites on the dining table. So that is good. I dare say, for one reason or another, there won't be too many more times to have the whole fam around the table. I shall strive for the attitude of gratitude for this. And my heart goes out to those who's families must be separate this year due to MLC and other types of discord.
Oh and btw, did anyone else read about the new research which indicates primates experience MLC?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
If you search-engine "Ape Mid Life Crisis" you should find the relevant articles. I still don't understand how this phenomena doesn't receive more attention; more than bad jokes and winks.
Thanksgiving went ok. H chose that morning to put down linoleum in our bathroom. Its needed a floor for 3 years. We've had the supplies for 3 years. Why Thanksgiving morning? I had to ask him. He didn't know. He spent most of the day playing online poker and watching football. Didn't join me and all 4 kids in watching the parade because "It's not his thing." Then he lamented that he had no company to watch the football games. The mountain must always come to Mohammed. Now he's off to the casinos, not sure when he'll be back. Prob by 1 on Sunday because he wouldn't want to miss football. (Never mind missing his family... I am beginning to see a pattern.)
Still no progress on the job front. I'm thinking of applying for FAFSA after the 1st of Jan, maybe be able to work towards a degree of some sort. Any job I qualify for right now will be just about minimum wage and I don't think I can support myself on that. And I need to be ready to support myself. If anyone has any experience with going back to school I'd appreciate the input.
Weather's turned nasty. I have to work concessions with S16 tonight. Sigh. "Not my thing" as H would say. And he's the one who more or less volunteered me for this duty.
Ah well. Maybe I'll work with someone who knows of a job opening! (Hey, it could happen.)
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Did anyone else read about the new research which indicates primates experience MLC?
A friend of mine contacted the author of this research. As best as we can figure out it is more APE mid life transition rather than crisis but it is a step in the right direction, IMHO!
I read that article too! I'd love to read the entire research project so that I could do a comparison of the two! LOL! I bet they aren't much different in their transitions to humans. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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