Thanks for your post, Hopeful. Seems we are trekking the same mountain.
While I am trying to build and nurture my friendship with my W I am constantly evaluating my emotional health and my detachment. That is important for all of us in this sitch. If the contact and or conversations are only tearing one down what is the point?
This struck a chord with me and I intend to remember that question. Strangely, I am the one that I think is cycling the most and I have to stop that for my own sake. I am a fierce planner and organizer by nature (not at all the wish-wash I appear from my posts!) and not planning for all contingencies is not normally my style. But I can see that it is hurting me in this situation. I am borrowing trouble as my Grandmother says.
Journalling:
I am really having a bit of a hard morning. Mornings always seem so rough, but I seem particularly anxious today. One of my biggest challenges right now is to improve my concentration at work and to stop thinking of SO. I never dreamed that I would still feel this way after four months.
I just realized it is four months exactly.
In any event, I am working on getting a grip.
We are seeing each other in three days. Is it odd that I am not at all excited? I feel more stressed than any other emotion. I feel like it is a goodbye. It has finally occurred to me that WE really are over, that there is a new woman in his life that has priority over me. Certainly, he has not given me the impression that terrible news is coming, but then again, I did not see BD coming either.
Since Sunday night there has been some texting, but always very brief. I initiated them both (inside jokes) and seriously could have kicked myslef later. But as I sit here, he has just sent one to me. I wonder if his ears were ringing.
It is taking tons of self-control not to answer but I really need to stop pursuing even in the smallest of ways.
I really need to find my PMA - or the visit will be a disaster for sure. And my goal was to make this a great visit no matter what. So, sticking to it and will re-evaluate after the visit.
I am also going to find that girl, that me, that he met so long ago. She would have kicked his rear end to the curb and spit in his face for this.
For now, I need to convince myself that work is not boring and that it needs to be done.
