Then let he go, you can't control her and her life is her life.
"She's been my life for 13 yrs", that's a scary position for you. have you read anything about codependency? You need to have your own life, not depend on someone else being your life.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Right, and neither do the rest of us. Yet we all have to come to grips with the fact that no matter what we do or don't do, it may come to that.
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My daughter and I need her, and she doesn't care.
Actually, you don't need her, you want her. The sooner you accept that you can still live a happy and fulfilling life without her, the sooner you can begin to recover from the deep pain you are now in. Don't be too hard on yourself for how you feel now, it will take time to heal. Do you have one close friend you can confide in?
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I also know what she wants to do, and I don't want her to make mistakes that she will regret for the rest of her life.
Right. So my advice is you clearly tell her your concerns ONE TIME, (or one last time) and then let it go. Choose a time when you feel she will be most likely to actually hear what you are saying. Then no more relationship talks, or trying to convince her she is wrong. Let her go! I know you want the magic words or actions that will convince her to change her mind... unfortunatly there are none.
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We don't have a lot of money, I took over the finances in January. She doesn't like it, and complains that I don't let her buy what ever she wants. I am trying to make sure the bills get paid. We already have separate accounts so she can only drain hers.
Good.
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My whole issue with this situation, is the fact that she doesn't want her daughter. She used to like being a wife and parent, now she doesn't want either. All she wants is sex with as many partners as she can, and could care less what damage she leaves in her wake.
This is where she is now, but it could change. Keep reading and following the advice of those who have been where you are now. Have you considered talking with a DB coach? Be strong my friend, you will get through this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I have read the twelve steps book on codependency, and I probably am being codependent.
I wanted better for my child. I have seen what divorce did to my first four children. I don't like seeing my daughter in pain. She knows her mom doesn't want us, and it hurts her probably more than it does me.
I am continuing to read DB, DR, and will follow the advice from the books and you guys. Thank you for the support. I don't have any close friends to confide in. I spent all my time in my family, work and school.
Unfortunately I cannot afford a DB coach. I have a therapist I have used before, but I don't know if he can help me with this situation.
I think the first thing you have to resolve is the question of the A being a deal breaker or not. If it is, then move on. Only you have the power to forgive. It’s not up to her. You may think she should earn it, but it doesn’t work like that. You decide about forgiving. It is for your sake. Otherwise, you will be a prisoner. Don’t wait for her to ask for it b/c she may never ask. Forgiveness does not mean you approve of what she's done.
Don’t let her see desperation in you. Men who seek assurance from the W is often seen by her as being weak, and she loses respect for him as a man. A woman has to respect a man in order to feel in love with him. If you don’t see that outward respect is shown, then she certainly won’t respect you in her heart.
A woman wants a man who will be a strong leader for the family. Even if that woman is in an A, she still needs to see him standing tall and strong. He cannot afford to show weakness. Take the lead. Be in charge of your life. Instead of thinking you can’t handle this, you must believe that you will come through this being a better man than you were in the beginning of the problems.
Focus on you and what you are doing to be a better person. What are you doing to enjoy your life? You didn’t make friends and now you don’t know what to do that doesn’t include her. So, where can you go and what can you do to meet people? Get involved with new things. This is the season for new opportunities!
Don’t have the attitude that this is the end b/c that gives off a very negative vive and nobody will want to be around you. Believe in yourself and what you have control over in your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Cadet, ForeverYoung, labug, and Sandi2. I appreciate all of your advice. I will think positive, and work on me. I am almost done with DB, and still half way through DR.
I am doing my best to give her distance, and it seems like things are going ok. I am being more positive, and thinking that everything will work out. I think she is trying to find the desire to change. She did say I love you to me once on Saturday, but hasn't said it since.
I haven't talked to her about feelings, or our relationship. Which has been really really hard. I am just going minute by minute.
Labug, I am going back through the twelve steps, and I am currently making an Asset Inventory. I will probably be on this step for a few days.
I have the hardest time not talking relationship. I see that it is broken and I just want to try and fix it. I am fighting the urge. Good thing I have classes today.
