sounds like "you done good" - and were a total neutral gal. It's hard as hell isn't it- it's the part about remembering happier and more loving times. that's what's holding us - i began to say "holding us back" - but i'm not sure if it is totally awful or not - -
it is part of our life and our "history" with these guys - guess a person cannot change that. - much as we'd like amnesia - i guess we don't get to get it on demand. maybe with time it recedes to some place where it doesn't hurt us.
if you or I had someone waiting in the wings- we'd be alot happier & able to move "on". that is for sure. guess that is their m.o.- just go for the momentary excitement and the consequences be damned - like a baby -
we had a nice day- food was great- company was fine - my older sister made me laugh because she was being all snippy & bossy to her ex-husband. she feels very very tough when she does- it's very big gesture for her - being tough and standing her ground (over not putting the jar of beets he bought accidentally on the table) (oiy) - very small in general, in life.
i am probably equally tentative alot of the time- it's sad that we are all so "pushed around" feeling in all this. Anyway- she was kind of funny to watch. trying to keep my sense of humour aboutus all in life- what the heck can anyone do?
i'm feeling my usual morning blue - wierd thing- wonder if hormones are all time high in morning or low - hence the a.m. wierdness. i've always been a "morning person" -
it doesn't matter i'm sure what the heck i feel - just as long as i get perking along and snap out of it- and get going doing soemthing. that's all that counts - rite???
left - rite - left - rite- me just doing it- ta da.
anyway- wanted to say hi- glad you survived the holiday. i cannot imagine a holiday (or life) withouth here - but i can see that it may be my reality sometime (soon?) - sad and sad.
good thing to have a cry- get it out-
Quote:
It tells me that he's likely at the park, parked reading and smoking. WHy do I care - I can't care - sorry - I have to put myself first - this has the potential to make me crazy if I let it in.
I know- i really really do - it's who we are. I wonder the same- i feel it - i can't believe i - i try and talk myself "down" from it- it seems to be lurking in the background of my mind always - (or heart?) i don't f'ing know anymore- if we didn't care- we wouldn't have lasted so long and still be here. i don't know whether to laugh or cry- i feel glad to know you still feel it and say it- we're working on it- it's a slow process isn't it - to get to un-love someone after sooo many years. wonder if it matters or will matter to them when our journey is complete? one hopes yes, one doesn't have the juice to hope anything anymore.... oiy...
wonder if the Journey being "complete" will preclude our feeeling anything at all for them? this business of being friends- i truly wonder if that's the sort of thing i'll be able to do. i do not see myself ever just neutral and "happy for him" - i don't wish him dead or in pain- but honestly- his happiness has cost me sooo much - crummy person that i am- i'd rather think him wallowing in misery - self induced and acknowledged as such - ta da- suffer sucker - - happy thanksgiving- drive thru please
Anyway- you managed - you felt what you felt and carried on with the day. all one could ask of oneself - - - hopefully, as long as you can acknowledge it- feel it- say it- and move past it- and proceed with your day - that's something huge??? i'd say you conquered the day - good job... (or something) ((( ))) oh well....
