Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

Instead of "showing her" that you won't be ordered around,
THIS^^^ might have been a good time to SAY the following comment while getting the stupid mat and while staying calm but shaking your head in wonder at how OUT Of LINE SHE is behaving...[/color]
Insert Your words
"In all the years we've been together I don't ever remember ordering her around like that. Makes me think she thinks I'm [her] doormat."


25 you are right once again. One of my flaws is is that instead of being calm and rational and stating how I want to be treated I would sometimes just go right back at my W in anger. This is something I need to change.




No one makes you "get going" or causes you to behave a certain way. Own your behavior as you want her to own hers. We're all adults.

You know what? That's a cop out on my part or I should say was. If there is one thing I'm most happy with is it's how I've been able to change the way I react to when I'm not treated well. I'm not perfect but I no longer react in anger.

All I wanted for her to do was ask me to get the mat.

But you did not tell her that. You ignored her, which is passive aggressive. I'm not defending her behavior

but yours was not very effective, was it?

No mine was not effective at all so instead of getting angry with her I got back at her by not getting the mat and I also failed at defending myself in a proper fashion. I never thought of myself as passive aggresive but I clearly see how I can be.


I didn't get angry at all just sat there in disbelief that something so minor set her off about me not wanting to work its my fault I'm laid off etc.

THAT^^^ is the issue you can address.

AND OR just state that you expect to be talked to by a calm rational person and if she's not that person, you might not "hear" her...

Very good advice that I will take to heart. I no longer want to deal with her in the heat of the moment.

In all the years we've been together I don't ever remember ordering her around like that. Makes me think she thinks I'm her doormat. [/quote]

sometimes my incredulity was what my h would note, way more than my anger.

Me being angry rarely, IF EVER, helped my cause. But being hurt, or being dumbfounded sometimes made him realize he was sounding like a nut or a bully. That gave him pause, which is all we can realistically hope for, IN the heat of the moment.

There's a lot going on here, more than a recent lay off would account for.

What do YOU BELIEVE HER - real issues are with you? What else does SHE SAY the issues are?

I do agree with you that there is more going on then just my recent layoff. As far as what I believe the real issues are I know she is really up and down with her moods not just with me but our boys too. She can be happy one minute but if one of the boys has done something she doesn't like she goes ballistic. I'm seriously talking Jekyl and Hyde here. As far as what she said the issues are all she says right now is its financial and she doesn't get that warm and fuzzy feeling when I'm around. Last year she told me it was a specific incident in front of old friends that made her want to end our M.

And last, but not least, I gotta say I'm NOT too impressed with the union problems I keep hearing about.

Maybe it's fine but to ME, preventing you from searching for work b/c you got laid off, IS not good for YOU...(it's good for the UNION'S power but not the members. I hate that. Insane.

reminds me of the Hostess company...the baker's didn't want a pay cut though they knew the company had serious problems. The Teamsters union agreed to the pay cuts!

So now none of them has a job...and we can't get Ho Ho's!...brilliant...

[/quote]

I'll comment on the work sitch later. Thanks for your help 25. I do appreciate your honesty and insight its going to help me be a better person no matter the outcome. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Look forward to talking again.

[leopoldstotch]

Well overall today was a good day. Played football this morning with my sons and my friends then we went down to my sister in laws for dinner. Not much interaction with my W at all. I had fun mingling with people today. W had a bad headache so she laid down on her sisters bed and went to sleep for over an hour. When she woke I offered to drive her father and aunt home for her if she didn't feel up to it and she said no. Tomorrow she is supposed to our youngest son to Temple U's football so I will probably do some work around the house.

It's going to be tough filling up her love tank when it feels like she is really distancing herself from me. On a normal day we don't speak much when she is at work. I'll call her sometimes if I have a question about something and sometimes she acts real annoyed so I usually won't call her at work. I have no clue as to what our R status is since I have been following DR's no R talk unless she brings it up and she doesn't.

So I have no idea if she plans on leaving or filing or if she is just fine living the way we live. A typical night is for my W to come home eat dinner, I'm the cook in the house always have been, then go out walking or to the gym and Tues night is her volleyball night. When she comes home from those activites she goes straight up to her room to watch t.v.

Strange how when she told me a week and a half ago that she doesn't get that warm and fuzzy feeling when I'm around her that I can now recall a few more things she told me the night of the BD. She said we have grown apart and that growing up she never wanted to get married she always wanted to be single.

I think it's time to go back and read some of the success stories that are similar to my sitch. This really stinks but at least I'm not depressed about things.

[leopoldstotch]

Another thing I just remembered is how my W will always bring up things I did to her in the past and by the past I mean things that happened 20 to 25 years ago. I never bring up her past affairs at all. As far as I'm concerned they are done and over with I chose to forgive her and move past them. I've asked her why she brings up the past and lives in it her answer was she can't forget the past. My counselor is flabbergasted by this and has said to me that even murderers get paroled after some time has passed.

[25yearsmlc]

Another thing I just remembered is how my W will always bring up things I did to her in the past and by the past I mean things that happened 20 to 25 years ago. I never bring up her past affairs at all. As far as I'm concerned they are done and over with I chose to forgive her and move past them. I've asked her why she brings up the past and lives in it her answer was she can't forget the past. My counselor is flabbergasted by this and has said to me that even murderers get paroled after some time has passed.

when this happens you can choose & here are some options.

1) "w, that was a long time ago and I'm not looking at the past anymore. Let's stay focussed on THIS issue"... and then steer the conversation where you need it to go. Or leave the room.

2) "W, are you seriously bringing that up again? I hope for your sake you learn to let go of the past."

3) "w, the reason I don't bring up your affairs is b/c I forgave them & there's no GOOD purpose in throwing it in your face now. Let's try to set an example for our sons to see what forgiveness looks like."

Then Leave the room. Do NOT wait for her response to that^^ line.

4) "W, if I had it all to do over again, there are a lot of things I'd do differently"...

and move on to another topic or leave the room.

Good luck!