Staying off the ride 3 - being authentic

[Tumbling]

Belated happy thanksgiving to those across the pond

Thanks Tori - you are right. Boundaries are SO important and necessary. I guess I just wasn't ready to stand up for who I am before. Writing the post about the biggest boundary ever - really helped me understand what I needed to do.

Thanks RT - for your support. I love the teflon coating on my boundaries. I definitely deserve someone who will put in the effort. Not to worry you BUT i don't think my H has done much work on him Self in all this time. He occasionally looked inwards but more often than not distracted him Self w xbox or work - easier.

Journalling
Hurrah - I'm still on the blanket (behind my BIG BOUNDARY )
Day 5 NC and I feel good.

Work has been fantastic this week (I'm buzzing), had my appraisal today and things are going to be exciting for me next year.

GAL
dinner w a gf Tuesday night and Spanish last night.
This evening I cleaned (kind of therapeutic) and talked to my best friend who lives in the Channel Islands.

I also did some online shopping at w/e and invested in a lovely new purple bag for work - that makes me smile when I look at it.

Haven't heard about the 150miles away job but the more I think about it (same money, no friends in the area, potentially too back office for me these days, could do it standing on my head) the more I think it's best for me to stay round here. Moving somewhere new in Feb may be too soon for me emotionally. Too much change in one go.

I still wonder why I can't end this set up - buy him out - divorce. I think it's because I remember the good times (before he had this d4mn job) and that we still have them when we are together (frustratingly). And that he is either MLC or depressed and that leaving someone when they are in that state is not compassionate.

I have realised tho that I can take control of the situation and stop waiting for him to make a decision. I am taking a timeout. I will tell him - if he contacts me - that we need a timeout, I can not deal w his stonewalling behaviour, that I want to think about what I want and that I will be in touch when I am ready to talk. That way I can focus on GAL, CG development, get my Self detached and centred. In my head I am thinking NC til January. Scary thought but positive too. I don't think we have done more than 10 days during this 2yr separation.

I am not sure if this statement ^^^^^ is DB but it will keep me emotionally safe, in control and prevents the ride. I was doing OK w texts until I saw him. Seeing him gets my hopes up. Until I can detach, I don't think I can text or see him. Texts satisfy him but it isn't enough for me and I have enough people txtng me as it is. And I don't need one way messages, I need interaction / appreciation that I get from my friends and the board (virtual presence)

Thank you all so much for helping me. Goodness knows what kind of basketcase I would be if I hadn't found all of you.

Questions
Another thought that I ponder is that some days I am just fine and dandy - living in the Now - no worries about H.
And I wonder if that's OK? I mean it's great for me but if I am great without H - why am I not done?

Is that just result of GAL and really it's good to be great alone? I know we should be WHOLE people no matter who we have relationship w.

Sometimes too I think to my Self. Look at all the things you can do Tumbling w no stress or worries that H won't want to share those things.

And then I remember that I loved coming home to tell him about my adventures (when he listened) and that it would be too weird being w a man who wanted to be with me ALL the time.

I really miss the man he used to be but I have lots of friends who are delighted to hear my latest tales