Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

I thought I would start a new forum, as my last one is getting long!

I woke up today feeling sad but have been able to still sit with my girls, watch the Macy's parade on TV and read all the Black Friday ads! I have gone shopping on Black Friday for years with my best friend, and its a tradition that I will continue tomorrow morning at 4am! We are NOT die hard, but its just the beginning of the Christmas season for us and we love it!

I have thought and repeated in my head this morning all the things I have to be thankful for. I mean, Im the one sitting with my kids watching the parade, Im the one who has a baby boy on the way and Im the one who will be surrounded by a wonderful family today. My girls and I are in perfect health and I have a beautiful home and wonderful friends. But why, cant I get the thought of H out of my head???

These past 2 days have been hard ones. Back to back, 15 year anniversary yesterday and then Thanksgiving today.

H took out D14 last night for dinner, D11 didnt want to go. Because he only had the older D, he did his usual, talking to her like she is an adult. Talked about lots of things....and some were, in my opinion, inappropriate. Anyway, when she got in the car, she said she started crying and he started talking to her about why. She told him our family is falling apart and of course, his response was, no, its not. He asked her what she was thankful for and she said she doesnt have anything to be thankful for this year and he started crying too. So, I guess they both were crying on the way to the restaurant.

They discussed OW some, and he said that his personal relationships have nothing to do with them (the girls) but D expressed that she wished that OW would die. H responded that its not OWs fault and that he pursued her. H also told D that he feels guilty about what he did to me. (really? He feels guilty...he sure doesnt act like it...flaunting it front of us). D asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving and asked if he would be in town with OW...H said he wasnt...but everything he says is a lie. OW lives about 30 seconds from my grandmother, and that is where we will be. Its sad to me that he will probably spend his dinner with OW and her kids and family.

Other things were said, like D told H that he should ask me about baby (these are all things she comes up with...not me...) and he just said NO. I guess he really doesnt care about his baby...either that or he cannot stand to realize that its real and we do have a baby coming. He also talked about his first sexual experience with her (in a way that he was trying to advise for her to wait...and to be in love first) and he told her that his first was when he was 17 and the woman was married and was 40. I DONT KNOW WHY HE TOLD HER THIS. He told her she needs to not worry about sex until she is married, etc....

Well, D responds that she things its awful weird that all his current friends and his only past lover (besides me) were all way older than he and she suggested that maybe he was looking for a mom figure. H said that no one has ever told him that and maybe she was right. H told her he was disturbed as a kid and that is why he did it. Well..guess what...you are disturbed now too! He also told D that things were not good between us for longer than when he left. Once again, I had no idea and if that was the case, he should have told me and we could have fixed things. NO excuse for the affair.

Anyway, I went to bed last night with all this on my mind. I just wish he wouldnt talk to her about these things and just talk like a normal 14 year old and his daughter. He did tell her that she has seen too much for her young age...ya think?? UGGGG...anyway, he is coming by here today to apparently give them money or something? DOnt know why he needs to see them today, he was here last night??? I cannot see him, I think it may ruin my day, especially since its an emotional one for me:(

He always thinks that money will make it better with them...gifts and money. He even had the nerve to tell D last night that she should make up her relationship with his parents because they have money??? I mean, really, is that whats important here? Money? D says he is bitter about money with me and made numerous comments about how he pays me a lot and that I have "money floating around" !! I WISH!!

Does this sound like this man is severerly confused to anyone? I always want to believe that he is confused, crazy and in a total fog...am I just looking for things? I mean, one minute he is crying, then he is having a mini counseling session with D, who is acting like therapist, and then he is laughing by the time they get home??

He did yell up to me last night (upstairs) Hello and how I was feeling...he must have felt a tinge of sadness (or guilt) that it was our anniversary. Although, D said he told her that he was sad that it was our anniversary...

We will be heading to my grandmothers in a few hours for a feast, and I am thankful I have her and my family so close to celebrate! I just miss H so much today:( It will NOT be the same without him and apparently he told D that he will miss being with us too. (I just dont believe a word he says right now...he is a liar...)

I guess the "firsts" are the hardest when you have a breakup..


Happy Thanksgiving to all...

SB