TTH - So sorry you are going through this. You're right, it's a perfect storm - MLC, stymied at work, approaching 50, kids leaving the nest, bipolar, menopausal. (Sounds a lot like my ex - except for the menopause part lol.)
Some things to consider from a biological perspective, although you may not be able to discuss these things with her now:
- hormones DO affect mood. It's worth noting that her first diagnosis of bipolar came after childbirth - a time of great hormone flux. Bioidentical hormones can do a lot to ease the transition of menopause. Ask your local compounding pharmacist for a referral to a physician, someone good locally who prescribes bioidentical hormone therapy, and see if you can find some way to suggest it to your wife.
- check out a new book called Brain on Fire. Written by a young journalist, it tells the story of her descent into psychosis. She was given several diagnoses at first, among them bipolar - in her case, she turned out to have an autoimmune disease attacking her brain. Not saying your wife has this particular syndrome, but it opens the door to a lot more speculation on the role of autoimmunity in various psychiatric diseases.
- also, if she hasn't had her thyroid checked lately, a thorough thyroid panel may be in order. There is a higher rate of bipolar disease in families with thyroid disease, and thyroid disease (which can cause depression, among other things) often appears in women at times of hormone flux (puberty, pregnancy, menopause).
Now - as for YOU - a few thoughts:
- you can't control what happens with her, you can only do your best by being the best YOU can be and being a safe harbor. You've said you changed by doing more of the "little things" - are there other things you need to work on in yourself? DO you need to lose weight, be tidier, get help for a flagging sex drive, get more of a social life, whatever? THis is an opportunity for major growth and self-improvement, getting outside of your comfort zone, if you will accept it.
- put the focus on your kids and your relationships with them. They're at important stages in their lives and they need to be able to see you as their "rock", and by YOU modeling that things will be okay and life will go on, they will feel more positive about their futures too.
- don't assume you know what is best. I know it hurts like hell, and you worry about her. Obviously to you it seems like the best possible outcome is for her to come to her senses and come home. Which she may do. Or she may not. And if she doesn't, it may turn out badly. Or it may not!
I fought for a long time for my marriage (we were married 24 years), even had a successful reconciliation and several more good years due to DBing, but when that perfect storm hit my ex, he finally left. Once I actually accepted that he was finally leaving - and that hey, it was kinda nice not walking on eggshells all the time - my life actually improved. Yes, it changed drastically - I have a new house, new friends, a new hobby (playing drums in a rock band!) - but it's good. I'm not in a relationship right at the moment, but since my divorce I've dated some lovely men who really reminded me of some of the things that were missing in my relationship with the ex. My kids all suffered, despite being older like yours, but they are coming to peace with it. And my ex is engaged to a new woman he has been living with for a couple of years and looks happy enough - I still worry about him, but I'm hopeful that this woman will take care of him.
And to tell the truth, most days I am just grateful to not be dealing with the emotional strain that I had gotten so used to in those years living with my ex. I honestly didn't see how bad it had gotten until I was well away from it. (Btw, my ex was never formally diagnosed bipolar - but now that I am away from it, I can see how clearly he was, albeit a milder form.)
Anyway - center yourself, breathe, don't forget to enjoy this time with your daughter.
