the mysterious and for me, unfamiliar land that exists between black and white, right and wrong, good and bad.

Thanksgiving plans changed dramatically, another lesson in letting go. S19 and I were going to visit S23 on Weds, have dinner, spend the night in a hotel, see a movie today and then H would pick them up and take them to his niece's for the family Thanksgiving.

S19 has a major anxiety disorder which is pretty well controlled but it still rears it's head on occasion. Depression can be part of it. So yesterday S19 got up feeling very anxious about spending the night in a hotel, etc. (this has been a feature of the problem in the past) and he was depressed.

He has had an "off" week so this wasn't a huge shock but I knew he had been looking forward to this trip, so for him to say he didn't want to go was important. We talked about various scenarios that might work but in the end decided to cancel the trip. I talked with S23 to let him know we weren't coming and asked him to get in touch with H to let him know when he wanted him to be picked up.

I texted H to let him know there had been a change in plans and that if he hadn't talked to S23 to call him.

This morning I sent him an email letting him know that S19 was better by the evening and then filled him in on what I had observed earlier in the week.

Since we separated, H has never contacted me about how either son is. Yes he communicates with them, and I have always attempted to keep him informed of significant things. But I get nothing much back.

It's frustrating and it hurts.

Last night I should have been the one to let him know more fully what was going on but I let my fear of being rejected and my sense of self-righteous indignation (you don't want to talk to me, I'm not talking to you) take over.

My hurt little girl reappeared.

But today, after a pretty good night's sleep (yay) I think I moved more into that gray and my adult showed up for work.

There is not a right or a wrong, he's the F, it's information I would want, if the positions were reversed. What he does with it is up to him.

Is this the gray?

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss