Welcome to catch-22

[LITB]

The gloves are off right now. Your W is focused on getting everything she believes that she is entitled to from a legal standpoint. You are the villain in her mind and you are standing in the way of what she wants.

We know you want to save your M, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Given the facts, you have to protect yourself and your rights to your son. That has to come first.

Here's the advice I can share, because this is undoubtedly the ugliest part from my experience. Handle yourself with complete integrity. There will be times that occur where you will be emotionally charged with anger and you will want to lash out. Resist that temptation and always try to take the high road.

[Big Bruce]

Yes LITB,
My christian principles have made me take that decision from the beginning.
I honoured her parents, although I know they aren't doing anything to prevent their daughter to do what she's doing.
I respected them and every wish from her, from the 1st day I set foot in this country all by myself alone.
I admitted my wrongs and sought forgiveness. I changed my ways.
I never accused her of anything, or blamed her for taking that decision, or acting like she's acting.
I always showed grace, kindness, gave money she was asking, accepted the visits places, times, supervision and frequency..

In a way, that is what makes it more desperate : if being "perfect", only lead her to file for D, there's no amount of DB that will do it.

Telling her that I wouldn't let her have 100% custody of our son any longer is the first move "against" her since I arrived in July, because you guys encouraged me to do it last week, remember? (and you were right). But in return, she didn't wait one day (look at the dates of the email I sent her, and the response!), to go see her lawyer and file for D!

The only positive thing : our son is her Achille's heel, so it seems, and she will feel funny when she'll miss him. Maybe she'll understand that separation and D is ugly. It's serious, people get hurt. For the moment, I am the only one hurt in the story. For her, it's all nice. Yet.

[LITB]

Yes, I remember encouraging you protect your rights as a father. I realize you wanted to give her the courtesy in fear of pushing her further away and in hopes that she would reconsider her decision. I get it.

Unfortunately, more often than not, most Walk Aways leave a wide path of destruction before realizing the pain they have caused. They talk themselves into believing that things will be better by making a change. Hell, logic gets thrown out the window.

Just as I encouraged you to fight for the rights to your child, I'm gonna encourage you to take the high road. I'm gonna encourage you to continue DB'ing. I'm gonna smack you one when I think it will help.

I can relate to what you are going through. I dealt with the lawyers and courts, etc. I asked myself the same questions. The whys. Is it worth it? I felt hopeless.

I type this to you as my wife is driving us to our Thanksgiving destination.

Hang in there Bruce.

[Grateful]

Woah.

First, " time with the toddler". Should not be a tactic. You file for that time because you want it. Because you are " the toddlers father. (the toddler really is not a great way to refer to your son.). It shouldn't matter if it brings your w closer or drives her farther away. Never use your child as a game piece.

Stupid education account? It's your son's education. All the toys you want take a back seat when you have a child. You need to prioritize.

Your W did not leave you for " punishment". There is proportionality.

Saying you are going to make changes isn't going to bring your W back. Making them for a week isn't going to bring her back. She doesn't want to reenter a marriage where the changes aren't going to be permanent. She needs to see these changes are real over time.

Not to be mean, but I wonder if you really know what is involved in an M, what kind of commitment, changes and compromise it takes. What makes a long lasting M. You are not just dating anymore. You are a married man with a child. Time to put your big boy pants on. Not to win your wife back, but to make some positive life changes.

I think perhaps focusing on your son and being a father instead of focusing on your wife so much would help. 50/50 custody may for a single parent who wasn't all that involved is a huge responsibility and undertaking. Perhaps fostering an R with your S as a parent will be the best thing you can do for anyone right now.

It's going to be more than playing with your S. it's going to be raising him to be a man. So you need to keep in mind you are always a role model for him and your R is very very important.

I agree with this post here. Hopefully, you were talking out of anger when you used the words you did about your S and so on. The only thing that I am thankful for in my sitch is the fact that I get to be with the kids 3 days a week. My W agrees that BOTH of us have to be involved in their lives. Not to just be a playdate, but a father.

[labug]

Unfortunately, more often than not, most Walk Aways leave a wide path of destruction before realizing the pain they have caused.

I could replace Walk Away with LBS to describe me before the BD. I was operating in a fog, not paying attention to the important things in my life, being controlled by anger and resentment, thinking that it he would change everything would be better.

Sometimes it takes something big to wake us up, at least that was true for me.

That doesn't mean I take all the responsibility but I do accept that which is mine.

Were you really perfect, Bruce?

[Grateful]

Unfortunately, more often than not, most Walk Aways leave a wide path of destruction before realizing the pain they have caused.

I could replace Walk Away with LBS to describe me before the BD. I was operating in a fog, not paying attention to the important things in my life, being controlled by anger and resentment, thinking that it he would change everything would be better.

Sometimes it takes something big to wake us up, at least that was true for me.

That doesn't mean I take all the responsibility but I do accept that which is mine.

Were you really perfect, Bruce?

Amen bug. My W fought for years until she reached the point where she can't fight anymore. She has even said to me that you wait until I am done to change. Let's both just pray that we never go back to the fog no matter what happens.

[Big Bruce]

I don't know what to say.
Thhings look out worse now, and her behaviour surprises me even further. I guess it's called the "gloves off" stage.

And yes, apart from the two first months of pleading, ILYs and writing desperate letters, I have given her space, been polite, agreed to the numbers of visits, length and place, you couldn't find a more agree-able person than me in North America. 5 months of changed, near-perfect behaviour.

So maybe, like you said, sometimes it takes something big to open someone's eyes. Maybe having to give up 50% of the time our son to me, will make my W reflect upon what she is doing. Maybe it's her turn to suffer a little, because until now, she didn't show any remorse, sadness or pain about dumping me.
I hope her heart doesn't harden though.

And forgive me for the choice of words about my son. It's just that since he was born, my W concentrated all her emotions, time and affection on him, to the point of deciding to D, because she doesn't need me anymore!
You understand the dynamic underlying all this here?

[Grateful]

So maybe, like you said, sometimes it takes something big to open someone's eyes. Maybe having to give up 50% of the time our son to me, will make my W reflect upon what she is doing. Maybe it's her turn to suffer a little, because until now, she didn't show any remorse, sadness or pain about dumping me.
I hope her heart doesn't harden though.

And forgive me for the choice of words about my son. It's just that since he was born, my W concentrated all her emotions, time and affection on him, to the point of deciding to D, because she doesn't need me anymore!
You understand the dynamic underlying all this here?

I am not trying to be harsh, as I have had similar feelings with other things. But it appears that you may be using S as an "I'll show her thing." If I am wrong, then I am sorry. It just appears that way. Your S needs a strong father that will love and be there for him regardless of the outcome. We men tend to get angry when we don't get what we want. I know I do.

[labug]

The underlying dynamic is you are very angry.

We all understand that but a parent shouldn't use their child to teach the spouse a lesson.

[theUF]

Just my take on it;

I have given her space, been polite, agreed to the numbers of visits, length and place, you couldn't find a more agree-able person than me in North America. 5 months of changed, near-perfect behaviour.

I agree you need to show the better you, but remember to not swing the pendulum too far.
You have opinions of your own. If some of them really matter you can make them known, but maybe at the "right time" in a calm and civil manner. Don't hold them in and then do something passive agressive, chances are she will see through it.

Maybe having to give up 50% of the time our son to me, will make my W reflect upon what she is doing.

I guess it's called the "gloves off" stage.

I know it's out of context, but these two quotes together equals bad territory.

Of course you want more time with your S, I do too.
But, I'd say wait until things calm down.
If you do it know when gloves are off, I'm guessing she will see it as you trying to force her hand.

If she sees it as you forcing her, even if she comes back she will resent you for it.

And;
she will believe you being so kind and agree-able was all a game.

I asked my X "Would you be open to discuss me having more custody when he gets a bit older? Not 50%, not necesseraly 40%, but maybe somewhere in between. I miss him and want to be there for him. At least we could discuss it after you think about it"
She lost her d@mned mind! Cried, yelled, the works.

Later she said in these exact words "well, I just lost it when you came and demanded 40% custody"

So even if you say one thing, they hear what they fear. Lol.


Sorry if I come across as harsh, but I think she will see the near perfect you and then she will see the man she thinks is using S as a weapon. She will think you just act nice b/c you're too afraid of stirring things up.

And forgive me for the choice of words about my son.

I called my son "the kid" when I joined up here. It didn't mean anything. I was talking to a bunch of strangers on a public site on the internet, I was a bit uncomfortable. But people found my choice of words weird also. Don't worry.