HER FEAR OF GETTING BACK INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME THAT LOOKS LIKE OUR OLD ONE IS TREMENDOUS.
Yes, that was clear in our conversation. I remember thinking very vividly I'll never get her back if she's not convinced I'm changing. Luckily she seems clear about what she wants. Hopefully I learn more each encounter.
Her anger and resentment are intense. Even made her envious. Never seen her like this before, but needed to I guess.
Lonely. Can't say it enough and since I can't tell her I'm going to say it here...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Today is my S20's birthday. My heart breaks for both of them that he will not be with his mother.
I want to call her up and scold her. Today is an angry day.
I hate this.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Scripture says "In all things give thanks" and for my whole life I have done that. I am finding it harder, this year.
Thank You God for raising me in a loving home. Thank You God for forgiving my sin. Thank You God for three wonderful children. Thank You God for my talents and abilities. Thank You God for providing for my needs. Thank You God for my health. Thank You God for the trials by fire, to make me rely on You. Thank You God for my wife, and marriage and the good years. Thank You God for...Your assurance that You will bring me through this test and that Your grace and strength will get me through it. Thank You God for using this time to awaken me to the wretched man I have been, and to the wonderful man I am becoming. Thank You God for giving me hope. When I think of me I am painfully lonely, so please help me focus on You, and not myself. Thank You in advance for the future blessings on my life and my marriage.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Straddling a fence right now...over texting W w/interesting info about S20's work...I think it would be ok but for holiday tomorrow. I've decided not to...still want to but...
I'm leery about getting into a "what are you doing" conversation...it will only rile my anger and make me feel/appear needy. She already told me she is doing "nothing".
Do I send her a greeting tomorrow...not sure. Want to stay strong but feel weak.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Introspection: why do I feel apprehensive? I don't want to address in my mind the fact that she is spending holiday w/OM. The hurt has been/is being done. Why is this more? Because it is a special day we always spend w/extended family? Because my lizard brain tells me she could go visit OM's family? (pretty sure he's from out of town) or that she could bring him to her family's dinner? (even now I think more highly of her than that, the thought pops up, nonetheless)
Focusing on me and my fears and pain is not helpful. Praying the prayer I posted does help so I'll be doing that.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Thanksgiving events: Geography: Much of both our extended families live on the same rural street, within a mile of each other. Our house is on land that was once part of her family farm. MIL, SILs half dozen of her cousins, aunts uncles all live in eyesight of us. 2 of my brothers live around the bend on same street. I also grew up here. Not sure if this necessary to understand days events but could be.
Mid morning, ambulances, fire trucks, police came screaming down the street to MIL house, 100 yards from ours. I grabbed my phone and sprinted up the hill. By the time I got there, they had taken off, wrong address. They stopped at several houses, some other family members of ours, before settling on a long farm road. Turns out there was a hunting accident, gunshot wound on a neighboring farm. Helicopter took the victim away, still alive.
MIL asked me to come back and tell her when I knew what the emergency was. Ran back home, jumped in car and made the rounds to family, found out the scoop, returned to MIL house. SIL was also there by then. They were pleasant to me, which was nice, had coffee with them. I had felt shunned by many of them recently.
They asked me where I was eating I said brother's. They invited me for dessert later. I said I'll contact W I don't want to make everything weird if she's there. They said, rather sarcastically, she won't be here.
Texted W, "Happy Thanksgiving," before leaving for my brothers' about noon. She texted back "you too". Seemed cold, and angry for such a holiday and I was PO'd. At least I didn't look depressed. I was tempted to tell her about mornings' events, but it would have been for the purpose of clinging/pursuing, and she didn't appear to want to talk to me. All very self centered thought process.
Spent most of dinner detached, having good time, relating to my family. Only went "inside my brain" a few times. The blessing prayer over the meal my brother gave was the only brief tear, as he did pray for indirectly for W to be rejoining the family. My tear would only be visible if someone was directly watching, so I don't think anyone saw.
All three kids ate with us. D17 and S16 went to in-law dinner @ 4:30. S20 went to GFs. I stayed and watched football. (Redskins fan :-) )
By 3rd quarter everyone was leaving so I left to go home. Ds car still at SIL and party still going on, I had cider left that I had prepared, so stopped in to offer it to them.
W was there...surprised. After initial hellos to everybody, knelt down next to her, said I didn't know you were here, I don't want you to be uncomfortable, I'm leaving. She said no, stay. So I stayed.
It took a while, as I am quiet, but I warmed up and joined the conversations. Broke the ice w/W by getting her to try my cider. She talked w/me about Xmas gift ideas for kids. Small talk very pleasant time. Eventually she announced she was leaving as SIL who lives more distant did. She has NEVER been 1st to leave family event. I walked outside w/her and told her to stay and I would leave. Said sorry if I made u uncomfortable showing up, didn't know you were here. She said they're your family, too.
She said "do you want to do something Saturday? And put our heads together?" I said sure. I have no idea what that means, I have to start getting clarification......I was pretty shocked by the question. I wasn't thinking as if things were going well...
Then, she said "Happy Thanksgiving" and HUGGED me. Wow. A brief history of physical contact since dropping the bomb: 1st time we met 2 weeks after, was a meeting in my car. Her keys were laying at an angle that caused a glare right in my eye when I looked at her. I reached to move them, noting the glare. She said, very angrily, "Don't touch me or my things!" I apologized and have not initiated touch since. All encounters after we're with NO touching. Until last Saturday, our sushi lunch, we were riding in the car. My arm was on the center armrest, so was hers. Lots of touch. No pulling away. Even when I would move may arm, to drive, then replace it. Then, yesterday, a hug. A long one.
I said earlier I believed my love language was quality time. I took the online assessment since then, and QT is very high, physical touch did out score by one point.
So I know I am predisposed to read too much into this hug. I also know my W is NOT an overly touchy feely huggy person. Her cringe is almost visible when casual acquaintances hug her. I believe she knows PT means a lot to me.
So, while I'd love to mind read and spin this hug to mean R is around the corner, here is my minimalist analysis: she is no longer in an emotional state that makes the very thought of hugging or touching me repulsive.
I think we may have a baby step.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Looking for 25yearsmlc summary of her story....saw link yesterday, now can't find it.
Can anyone help?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Looking for 25yearsmlc summary of her story....saw link yesterday, now can't find it.
Can anyone help?
Click on her username and some options will appear. One of the options is "members posts". Select that and then go to her first post.
I'm not completely caught up on your sitch quite yet. I do see that you have received some great advice from some members who helped me. Hopefully you are utilizing their suggestions.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
