Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

This 'hard line' vs. 'soft line' is a pretty common debate here on these boards. I don't think that either of you are completely right or completely wrong. My opinion is that it takes a combination of both. Each approach has to be used, and at the proper times, in almost every situation that I've seen or read about.

"SBH,I dont get that. Hard line aproach and respect? They dont mix."

Of course they do...

Respect: I WILL NOT TOLLERATE YOU CHEATING ON ME BY CONTINUING TO SEE OM.

Hard line approach: OR I WILL LEAVE!!!

They mix perfectly!!!

I don't think that this approach is bad, but I don't think that it is the right approach for EVERY situation. For example, it simply was not possible in my situation at the beginning. I needed to change, for me, and I needed my W to have a period of time to see that was happening. But yes, eventually, I had to shift gears. Basic Plan A/Plan B stuff.

I also prefer to call this 'having boundaries' as opposed to the hard line approach. That's really all that it is. I will also add that because each situation is different, as mine was, the consequence of violation of a boundary does not necessarily have to be 'I will divorce you'. It can simply be, 'I won't be a part of your life'. There is a difference. One provides for the opportunity for forgiveness, for healing, for individual, and dual, growth, and for the M to still be saved. While the other is the nail in the coffin.

But again, every person is different, every marriage is different, and the dynamics of every situation on this board are different. Some people reach the point of being DONE more quickly than others. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all. Like SBH said, DB is about doing what works for US, not the WAS. Sometimes it results in the marriage being saved, but more often, it results in the person being saved.

"If she didn't realize, then maybe you did not make it knows. As they said, nothing wrong in feelings.

10 Years of MC and she went thru 6 theripists cause none agreed with her. Trust me, I made in known by email, discussion, in counseling, poem, card, notes, and carrier pigion. She knew!

"SBH, I remember you and your exs W were reading the 5 LL's before ....did that not make an impact on you?"

She was incapable of providing even the most basic of needs. I'd ask for a hug. Said let's start with once a month. She couldn't. Deep intimacy issues. Again, Borderliner Personality Disorder... Whole different ball game.

I apologize SBH if I am not remembering correctly, but I don't remember you talking about your W in this way at all back when you were posting regularly. Of course, I was pretty wrapped up in my own situation at the time, and I was following multiple people at the time. It was also a while back, so my memory may just be fading.

In any case, it definitely sounds like your W has some serious work to do before she is going to find happiness in a marriage with anyone. I don't blame you for finally throwing your hands up if what you say is accurate. We cannot be happy without true, loving, companionship. And a spouse should care about the other's happiness... not be made to be the sole provider of happiness... but to care and do their best to promote that. IMO, anyway.

It sounds to me like you actually became the WAS here SBH. Maybe had your W found DR and this board, and actually educated herself on the things that we have all educated ourselves on, she could have kept you from walking away. Who knows? Unfortunately, I think this is why so many marriages end in divorce. One or both spouses don't want to take the time, do the work, to educate themselves on what it actually takes to be married.