first time need help - still (new thread?)

[nero]

one thing tho- when im in fl - and i look around this house at 35 years of "stuff" and of course, all the memories, and the friends & family down here- .

it is like looking up the side of a giant giant mountain- how to even begin "getting over" it. how to move this junk if i want to- how to forget my whole life, etc. how to determine if the entire thing needs to be flattened and eradicated, what to keep - what to toss - who to keep - who to toss? etc... wtf...

[albamarie]

Glad to hear your feeling a little better. They really have pushed us to that I don't care phase, that IDLY phase or even like you. I feel like I have been riding this coaster with you down the exact same course.

How is it that every spouse here says the same scripted words and does the same actions. They are all teenagers again wanting their lives back, answer to know one, but yet don't really want to let us go 100 persent.

you sound like you have a good grip on doing this for yourself, better than I do. I'm going make a good TG with my kids and any drop bys that come over. My H can drop dead if he want to spend it on the street.

Really I don't know how I would react or at all. But, you know being a widow sounds easier than this, at least there's closer,

[nero]

Oh God- you sure are rite. the closure is the killer. i just got a text - he's "running late" with his dad. what a load of lies this man is. i had some feeling of something- i was surprised to hear his dad other nite referring to their meeting - i'd assumed it WAS ALLLLL LIES.

honestly- i think ow is in town seeing her parents and is either meeting up with him- or somethign. that is my personal thought. i'm not allowing myself to envision it - yuchkkkkkkkkkk........ i know i'm not supposed to think about what he's doing- yeah rite. oh well- am endeavoring to not obsess- best of luck in the future .

AT THIS MOMENT- i cannot imagine how the heck i "don't speak" when he shows up- i'm going to try and just be somewhere else- maybe i'll take baby to park & library- and just not be there. how in the world he can look at himself in the mirror or even stand himself ( in general) - i do not know -

i'm thinking happy thanksgiving- i hate you- thank you & drive thru please.

will be a miracle if i keep my trap shut and don't tell him what a total pos he is. repeat after me- stfu - stfu -

like i need lies via text now- the wonders of technology.

OKAY- END OF RANT. I KNOW- IT'S pitiful sn't it???

I just - spent morning cooking with my sister & neice. it was pleasant - had some wine- laughed a bit. my sister was trying a new recipe and being sooooo careful over such goofy stuff- i finally couln't watch any more. for God's sake- it's an apple pie- it's not brain sur4gery???!!! it was more funny than anything else- but sooooo slow going and sooooo painful - - - just difficult to imagine cooking like that - or doing anything in the world soooooo carefully & painstakingly. yikes- can you tell i'm kind of person that adds stuff to recipes- tries it this way or that way and has tyrouble sticking to any recipe (exactly_)! .

oh well- poor woman- thank Goodness i don't live in that "land" - i'd explode

i don't know- i sure hope tomorrow i am calmed down and have a nice day- i'm going to if it kills me.

speaking of killing.... naw, just kidding. this jerk is definitely NOT worth going to jail for.

i haven't "got it together" at all unfortunately. don't we ALLLL WANT to have our youth & lives back??/ and who among us enjoys "answering" ao anyone !!!

i liked your comment about some woman who was letting her h try and fix the r , she'd given up and didn't want him.

hoping to reach that point (some day soon - some hyear soon ) (in the end!!!) - i'd love nothign more than to know someday he actually regrets it all - most of it- all of it, whatever.

i've thought about how easier it would be if he died too- the thing is - he wouldn't have chosen it. (unless suicide- but never ever would be - loves himself too much) - this business of him choosing to inflict this sort of pain upon me- rat that he is- is the problem. HE CHOoSEs IT - HE IS DEALING IT OUT- since i'm incredibly petty in this circumstance- i sure hope he pays like hell someday for it all.

oh yeah- not very good Christian attitude is it? oh well- i'm reserving the ritte to be an unreasonable b_tch here in rant-land - so i'm leaving it stand.

HOPE YOUR HOLIDAY is really nice and if you experience any unpleasantness - that it's small and "doable".

we can do this - rite??? . we can enjoy our holiday on some level- and not let these jerks bring us down (to their level) or in general. right???

now- i'm going to go play with this baby and not (i hope) think of this idiot - (oh no- i'm not doing very well with not calling names am i? oh well- not like you don't know me at my most petty and ratty) .

i'll do better after the holidays i'm sure (?).

keep the faith- and have a good thanksgiving. maybe later i'll have something intelligent to say and not so rantie.

i like your drop-dead-buddy outlook you have.

i'm going to keep that thought and work on it- wish me luck with the not talkign thing. i think i can, i think i can...chug chug . if i survive this nite without calling him a giant lying sack of (you know) it will be a miracle. (his favorite phrase by the way- sack of ...) how very appropriate. probably invented it with himself in mind.

oh man.....

[albamarie]

Nero: thanks for writing on my thread.
Mom's are funny people and it seems from birth you are set with the relationship your going to have forever. She emailed me this morning after I sent a heart felt poured out email about loss love, hurt feelings, healing, and all she replied back was about money.

Growing up I likened her to Alexis. You ever watch Dallas, well she was a high powered money grubbing, make up wearing, high hair, suited women. She was all that and a horrible mother. That was how I saw my mom, no heart, cold, easy to discard people like paper cups. I always thought I was adopted cause I'm warm, eclectic, natural, and a gentle mom.

Oh well, she's not a source to turn to. So I wasn't blessed with great parents, my first love was broken by a tragedy, and my husband turned away. Thank God my kids have been my constant. I never really saw adults as the gateway through life, it was always kids, any kids, I'm known as momma D around here by such loving friends of my kids.

You say you love being with the babies, I can see why, they don't care about anything but kindness, and cookies help too. Next time your H says you spend more time with them then him, ask him just what does he think your relationship is. You would be happy to spend more time with him if he's recommitting and going to create an environment of healing.

Sorry, that just pissed me off that he said that, selfish narcissistic men who can do what they please and still expect to cake eat. I don't even know you and but I know that your time with a baby is precious enough to make a man love you, not get his underwear in a bundle over.

They write here to be the person he fell in love with, be someone he would be crazy to leave. I'm doing all that, and finding it good practice for a new, cause though he notices, it doesn't change squat! Nothing changes these men! YEa, there are good endings here, I don't see it for me though, you?

Ranting...I don't even know why...i'm not upset...I think I'm just not in the mood to sugar coat anything. I want to hang out with a man, I want to be in love, I want to hold hands, Christmas miracle anyone?

[nero]

hey hi- happy post-tg-w-no-gunplay!

[albamarie]

Hey Nero- I loved your post, I replyed. Hope your ride back to NJ is safe.

[albamarie]

Omg, nero my mom is soo horrible she canceled Christmas because I don't live up to her need for attention. We were never close, we went 10yrs without talking. Through my marriage, kids births, and I still tried after 3 attempts over another 10yrs span.

That's why I was so close to h, he was my family of choice, and we made our own family never intruding on anyone, wholesome and true.

I have to db my mom just to keep from detaching from her also, hey I may become a pro at this!

I actually have more patients for h than mom because he has done more and loved me more than she ever did. My dad needs to remove her hand from up his butt so he can finally speak out with a real opinion.

Geeze, you said life is hard, amen.

Glad your home safe, your h is acting different from your first posts. He is phasing that's good, I think, at least maybe there's hope he's not just being a big jerk.

[nero]

heyhi-

i thought i replied - but don't see it, so guess i didn't. i hear him on the steps (and the approach is from my back- so i paniked and got out quickly. i just don't even want him knowing about this place. if he did- he could find me- he is that "into" computers & all this covert spy junk. who needs that aggro?

anyway- i know, moms! i too had a very nice "family" going with h . i thought he'd always be there. he was such a total (kind of) recluse- as far as social life or friends outside of me.

stupid me- he had the office all day- no wonder he didn't wan anything more in evenings. tho, i worked too most of the time- so same here.

now that i'm here- i don't have much to say. got a tree- put it up but not decorated.

had a giant screamer w/ mom this morning. she came over early- totally looking for "action" - and any year now i'm going to remember this and "get it" and just not respond.

you're rite that i need to be dbing with her also. just stfu- and let her rip.

she was pulling out all the stops tho- after bashing me- telling me how wonderful my oder sister is - she even dragged my ex husband into it and how stupid i was to ever mrry him- oh man- is it any wonder i forget all my good intentions and start defending myself. then, of course- ka bammm-0 kaboom - etc.

cripes - you'd think i'd learn?!!! What, just because i stop what i'm doing to fix her tea- and sit and "entertain" her- can i be so nuts to think she'll quit complaining about everything in the world- complete with she came over for dinner last nite- but was complaining that we're not as pleasant and chatty in evewning as in the morning??? sooo- what? had a lousy time? company not as good as she'd like? i'm telling y0u- i wonder honestly if she has any idea what she says and how she says it?

oh well- took a sleepnig pill and feeling rested - so yay.

need to dig this owrkroom otu of junk so can make some christmas gifts- have the urge to make them this year.

have a couple things to mail from ebay- and some stuff to put away that brought from fla- so plenty to do.

ill get busy- just wanted to say hi.

AND NO, if i'm gonig to be honest (and i don't like it believe me) - i'd say we're gonna end up in the trash can. i don't think i'll be able to "do" this w/ ow around- i don't think h will realize how important i am to his life and his happiness til i'm long gone and probably close to hating the sight of him. he'l l push it and push it til i've had enough- and it'll be too darn late for me to ever feel anything for him again.

i'm hoping i'm wrong- i don't thijnk i am. like you, i want that Christmas miracle- i'm still working on "geting out there" more- have no interest in men thanks alot- but hopefully some day my revulsion will pass -

trust - for hm or anyone? it's anyone's call.

okay- now even tho i feel like it's going to be a dreary christmas- i'm thinking i'll get together some friends to make some ornaments of some kind- drink some wine- laugh- don't know what, who or anything. just an idea -

keeping a good thought and a good attitude today.

we have the rest of our lives to be wise and "together" - only hneed to float thru this day and be glad we're not in middle of a fight with our mothers ! oiy...

i guess that's the good news - it's over and not likely to occur again today - fingers crossed.

it's sunny and i'm going to rake- tidy front curb and check out the lights and see if any light out there-

xxoo ((( ))) we can do this together- it's true.

have a good day.

[albamarie]

Nero- this is what I wrote my mom:
People are who they are and you except them because their family, good friends, good people, because despite their short comings, there is an overall reason to have them in your life.

Sorry, but I don't have room for her judgement when she offers nothing to lift a finger and was the result of some of the things she complains about. Oh, and she still to this day, hates that I was a stay home mom!

I would rather deal w/h I can tell him to go to hell and he would ask, when!

I know you can't trust your h, he may never earn that again. But, one day you will find that others don't have to pay for his mistakes.

Every pot has a lid, I think mine flew out the kitchen window, but I'm going to get one that fits eventually, and so will you.

[nero]

People are who they are and you except them because their family, good friends, good people, because despite their short comings, there is an overall reason to have them in your life.

i feel like that too. my mother doesn't get it. she's unable or unwilling to grasp the concept. if i had to guess- she's soooo used to venting and using her kids as listening devices (i'm not saying people for a reason) - the she's unable to treat us like normal people deserving of courtesy or even just neutral interaction. it's all about "getting a rise" out of some poor sap and then blaming them. i think it's amazingly satisfactory for her as a mother because she of all people can really hurt someone (of us) - and does.

i get it she might need to feel some "power" now that she's ancient and invisible in the eyes of society. not my problem tho- she's managing to aleinate the very only few people who give a darn and stop by. i'm the only one really that she EVER sees. if i didn't call in a day- she wouldn't use her voice- how sad and icky is that????? YET - she feuds with my younger sister here in town. she's nuts to be going down this road- one of these days i'll throw in the towel too- it's too hard to have to fight fight fight and defend oneself.

i've been trying db with her also- as you said- but it's slow going and i need to get out some book and remind myself every single morning where i'm heading with it all. she just knows the buttons to push- and doesn't hesitate. she had a resounding success day before yesterday- actually made me cry and hasn't done that in several years. i was so surprised ( i always am- am i nuts or what???) at her stinking attack- she even threw in (like your mom or what?) that i was like the hated grandmother & sat on my butt forever being a bum because i haven't worked for past 10 or so years- and that i never worked as hard as everyone else (duhhh- what about those 25 years as a legal secretary?) gone apparently in her old head- then she got going about my ex husband and what a jerk i was to marry him- oh man- she pulled out all the stops. I swear - she resents me and hates me probably because I "haven't had it as hard as her" - i mean, how wierd, i'm her kid and i always thought mothers are supposed to want their kids to have it easier than them??? not her maybe- she wants every one to suffer badly and know how bad she feels, etc.

it doesn't sound so bad when i'm saying it to you - i don't know how the heck i could be surprised when she rips my head off for no reason- one would htink i'd be on my guard at all times. i guess i didn't serve her her tea quick enough or something- or use the right china. i am such a sap and a stinking doormat to her- it's quite icky . i feel icky and feel bad about myself and what the heck makes me not stay on my guard more - I just forget and don't think about it- and then there she is , and i'm making tea and finding something to eat- and she's sharpening her claws!!! i need to really really get tough here and MAKE BOUNDARIES. SOMEHOW.

what is it with these women????

Oh, and she still to this day, hates that I was a stay home mom!

i know- jealous of one's daughter- how sad isn't it? what does she care by the way?

I know you can't trust your h, he may never earn that again. But, one day you will find that others don't have to pay for his mistakes.

I hope you are right - and i don't "go there". found myself in the post office speculating about a ebay buyer- and being kind of negative - and had to stop and un-say it. i do not want to be like that(this) - suspicious and so forth. it's awful and i have a notion that if you let it go- it could swallow you whole. helllllppppp..... how the heck to safeguard one's "spirit" from misfortune that makes it feel the need to cover up and keep safe inside. don't know. am trying to watch what i say and feel and think. need to nip this all in the bud.

true about H tho, it all boils down to - lying - instead of just communicating or being honest. how to trust or believe in the intrinsic "goodness" of a person once you've found out they are a bit fat liar? or even that they are soooo self-serving that nobody comes first - not me - not no one- just him on his throne up there on mount olympus. a sad and sorry thought.

HEYYYY- I WANT A LID TOO! LOVE that mental picture. my "lid" blowing up and off and away!!! i hope you're rite and we all have a lid out there. what if he was my only "lid" and even tho he turned out to be a total rat- that was my only chance? i know it's negative and dopey- but realistically- there are so many people alone and searching- who is to even say we get second and third chances??? my mother - is very big on saying "3 strikes you're out" - about us all. isn't that crappy? i can remember her saying it to my younger sister- GOD - this woman never ever got the notion that you stand behind your kids and lend support.

she's more like you try and cointinually trip them to see if you can- then have a laugh at their stupidity when they don't see it coming next time. i can't believe im saying that - it's so ratty- but i think it's something like true. she's just got problems of her own i guess. i'm glad i never ever saw how petty & ratty she was- and i guess h too. maybe i've lived in my own dreamland for the past 60 years. a shame to find out now- i could have happily gone on thinking everyone was nice and i was happy for another bunch of years til i kick the bucket.

oh well- reality huh? gets you in the end.

okay = back to the ya4rd and some lights 'i'm putting up since it's nice and mild- they're fighting me every inch of the way- but will be perky in the dark. i like houses that are decorated. even if'i' m not feeling too darn perky- i can spruce up around here- maybe it will rub off.

i hope you're having a nice day- try and not let you momma get you down- some mothers are just unable to be what we think mothers are- oh well huh?

i'm soooo like you that my h was my family (& life. still don't know if that was good or bad- maybe it just has no classification- just who i am. was - oh well.

xxoo ((( ))) deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, .....