When the show was over, there was a voice over that said, "For more information, go to www.pbs.org/dustbowl." H said, "See, if you want more information, you can just go to the internet. That's what the internet's for, so you don't have to bother your hubby with questions about the dust bowl."
This is funny. The negative me saw this as, oh man he's trying to tell me I should just look it up instead of bugging him. BUT NO! You saw hubby! That's great!! for 2 reasons, 1- you saw a positive in this and 2-he called himself your hubby ;-)
About your dad, I'm curious to know what was your dad's advice. My dad and I never talked about my relationships in the past but since he has been in Hs shoes before he gives him his insight and it's pretty revealing. Makes me feel more compassion for my dad as well as helps me to keep myself in the present. My dad's pretty spiritual. ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Vero, he was joking when he said it - didn't really come through in the post, but it wasn't as offensive as it sounded. That's the other part of the good here - he used to joke with me like that all the time.
My dad kind of reiterated a lot of the stuff I am already doing, in response to what H said. The thing is, I already know how H feels because I listened to him say it all last week in MC. So then it felt like a lecture from Dad. "Be feminine, be nurturing, you're too controlling, etc." Not that he isn't right about those things, I just don't need them jammed down my throat.
We had another bit of a breakthrough tonight. It started to become an argument but I forced myself to turn the conversation around. It was over something stupid too - my son wants to go to a kids' concert on Sunday and H said, "No way am I going to that."
Well - when he starts like that it just invites a fight and we had a few rounds. He said, "What does it matter if I don't want to go? Don't I get to decide what I want to do?" That's reasonable, and he's right, but I kept thinking, "Why is this bothering me? What's the real issue?" He's been to kids concerts before with no complaints - but only when we go with his friend and their kids.
Finally I got it and I said, "It makes me feel like you think that my idea to go to the concert was dumb." And he said, "Well, I know I need to try not to be so harsh." He got it too. And that was the end of it. I'm not used to actually resolving our differences so it feels particularly good. In fact, before bed we had a nice hug and he reached up so I could give him a kiss.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I'm so happy for you R, it seems like things are really picking up for you. I hope it continues to do so.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
My dad kind of reiterated a lot of the stuff I am already doing, in response to what H said. The thing is, I already know how H feels because I listened to him say it all last week in MC. So then it felt like a lecture from Dad. "Be feminine, be nurturing, you're too controlling, etc." Not that he isn't right about those things, I just don't need them jammed down my throat.
I think this is your H letting you know how important these things are to him. Don't take it as a lecture from Dad but rather a communication directly from H. Yes it may be bassackwards communication but it's something.
You can be a strong, in charge woman without losing the other parts of you. I didn't realize that until too late.
About the concert convo, it's good that you were examining your feelings and showed some vulnerability. You shared that it was less about the concert and more about how his response made you feel. What can you do about that the next time something like this comes up?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Like Labug, I see positives in your H communicating with your dad. The greatest positive is that it is to your dad--someone who is 'on your side'. I think that is huge.
Years ago, my H complained to my mother about how controlling I was, etc.. In retrospect, I think it was a great sign that he confided in my mother. My mother wanted the M to work out between us and did her best to facilitate it knowing what she knew from H's side of things.
There have been times when H has said he needs to talk to her again. I think he felt really validated by her because she said that what H was saying about me (always needing to be right and not seeing his perspective) reminded her of the issues she had with my father. He felt that someone understood him. At the same time, I didn't feel betrayed by my mother because I knew she had my best interests at heart.
I'm so impressed that your H reached up for a hug! It might feel like slow progress from where you are, but from here it's pretty remarkable.
Hang in there. You're doing really well.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Well, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. H still maintains that he's "not that motivated" in fixing the R. Today in MC it was all about the betrayal. Today he was fixated on the fact that I couldn't be empathetic to him when he was desperate and hurting. Or that I should have come to him if I was feeling disconnected.
I wish our MC would say to him, "Those aren't realistic expectations for someone who is in an EA." Not that I wish to be let off the hook for any of my past behavior, nor should I be. But I guess there will have to come a point when H makes a decision about what he wants to do about it. Right now choosing to forgive is not on the menu, but until he does that, he'll remain stuck forever, and that is a shame. He's blaming my choices on my character, and I don't think that's right. I blame my choices (at least the second time around) on my lack of self awareness and passive aggressive tendencies towards him.
What I don't get is that he feels that we're "separated" yet we continue to do family things and ML and spend time together talking. He said that he was doing these family things out of convenience, not because he "feels" it. I guess I have to take issue with that because I still maintain that if he really wanted to be separated, he'd move out. And he hasn't done that yet. I sense that he's more confused, and at a deeper level than he realizes.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
We didn't continue our conversation after MC tonight. Both too tired and I think we realize we've come to a place where we are both stuck. He's got his major issues about things I've done in the past, and I don't really know how to address that with him. We just go around and around in a circle. I think MC is a good step in getting unstuck, but our MC is so passive.
So I really tried again to encourage H to read "After the Affair." He said he hasn't read any books in a while, he just hasn't felt like reading. I told him it might give him a little bit of a different perspective on the situation - an unbiased, impersonal perspective. I told him that maybe it would help move this conversation along a more productive path.
It's interesting, because last week, he said his major issue was that he didn't feel understood and felt that I was too controlling. This week, he says his major issue is the betrayal. I'm sure it's all pretty major for him. I just wish he'd pick up a book so he could hear that all of these feelings he's having are within normal bounds and that most marriages go through serious dips. I feel like his expectations in that regard are very unrealistic.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
What I don't get is that he feels that we're "separated" yet we continue to do family things and ML and spend time together talking. He said that he was doing these family things out of convenience, not because he "feels" it. I guess I have to take issue with that because I still maintain that if he really wanted to be separated, he'd move out. And he hasn't done that yet. I sense that he's more confused, and at a deeper level than he realizes.
Hi LA, I know this is frustrating and disappointing. I've been going through the same things with my H. Even after I've given him the names of mediators and have been looking for houses, we ML. My H has still made no moves and I only saw a list of 2 houses.
It sounds like your H is very confused but also has some deep seated issues and is not ready to forgive or has an issue with forgiveness as a whole from what you've described. It also sounds like he is throwing new things out because you've worked on the first issue. You may have to ask yourself how much of that you can go through?
My H also will not recognize that marriages go through dips. He also won't recognize that spouses fight and do not always see eye to eye. It is hard to compete with an unrealistic view of the world.
Start to shift your focus back to you and your boys before you wear yourself out trying to please your H. He doesn't sound like he can be pleased right now.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I realize that if H is ever going to change his opinion about any of this, someone needs to challenge his thinking. Right now, no one is doing that. My IC and I discussed that I may have to be the one to do this, which is going to be awfully tough. We discussed a "planting the seeds" strategy.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
If you guys get to the point where you're having some deep discussions, maybe ask some questions like "What do you think are the foundations to a healthy marriage?" If he says love then ask about commitment, forgiveness and trust. You can also poke around a bit at what he thinks love is and how it happens. This isn't about you telling him what is right or wrong, it's about asking him what he thinks and continually peeling the onion to find out what he thinks, and maybe, get him to challenge his own beliefs.
If you go back and read thru my bootcamp thread, pay attention to how Mach1 asks me thought provoking questions. He didn't tell me the rights or wrongs, just asked me what I thought about certain things. If you assume your H and I are alike (which I know we are in a lot of ways) then this is a way you can get your H thinking about things on a deeper level. Why do you think you feel that way? Where does that type of thinking come from?
