Back on this site help!!

[keep_going]

Lisa,

I have never posted to you before, but let me tell you - I have actually read ALL your threads. Yes, all the old ones and this new one. I did so a year or so ago when I was looking for success stories around the board. First let me tell you that I am very, very sorry that you are in so much pain. I totally get how hard it is, specially with young kids.

Now I have to give you the 2 x 4. A harsh and long one. Please know before-hand that I mean no disrespect and that I only want to try to help you. I might be completely off-based here, but at least I know your sitch well, because I have spent hours and hours reading all your posts and I forewarn you that this is probably the harshest 2 x 4 you will ever get. PLEASE know I just want to help you!

So here it is.

I think that you are stuck. How do I know? Well, first because I am too and I know how hard it is to get out of that mode where you are just focused on one thing - YOUR H. I remember your sitch so well, because reading your posts was so hard for me. It made such an impression because I could sense your hurt, but also because it made me want to shake you when you were in the middle of chaos, just like you are now.

If you went back and re-read your old threads, you would think they are carbon-copies of this one. Your thoughts and emotions are identical. Your H's behavior and actions are as well. Your reactions to him have not changed. And what struck me the most after I read all your threads last year was the notion that you took your H back - repeatedly. I considered yours the most incredible "success" story based on how much you had to endure and how mean your H was. So here you find yourself again in the same sitch, so the success story didn't work out.

I have to be honest - I would get very, very upset and angry when I was reading about your sitch because I don't think ANY human being deserves to be treated the way your H has treated you. I don't care what you had done wrong in the M, nothing justifies the abuse and torture he has submitted you to. He clearly has a lot of issues - and in my opinion, some very, very serious mental issues.

Why do I say that?

Your H has been probably one of the meanest, most abusive spouses I have seen here. By your own admission in very old posts, he has said the most hurtful things I can recall telling someone, much less the mother of his kids. Do I also recall that there has also been some physical abuse? I don't mean to bring painful memories back, but I think it's important that you see your R with him as a WHOLE, not just what he is doing now.

You had also mentioned years ago that he has a sexual addiction and he at some point was trying to deal with it. Yet I also remember him later recanting on having any issues or being responsible for any wrong-doing? Didn't he also have some issues with alcohol or drugs? I might not be remembering that correctly, but I thought that there was some heavy pot-smoking involved in one of his R with one of the OWs. Again - I could be confusing you with someone else and I apologize if I am.

And he cheated on you, not only once or twice, but repeatedly. And not just go away with OW for a few hours here and there and keeping his affairs under the radar - he has left you and his own children REPEATEDLY and moved in with other women and exposed all your children to the most unhealthy patterns of behavior with all these OW.

I believe that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't have the capacity to love ANY woman right now and his behavior has proved it for years. If I recall correctly, you at some point talked about him hating women? I do believe he does. I hope you can see that he not only doesn't respect you, but also none of the OW involved in this. Not that they are helpless victims, but your H clearly just uses women to feel good and discards them when he doesn't. His behavior has shown that for years.

I also want to address his behavior as a father. He has abandoned his children repeatedly - physically and emotionally. He fights with you and at least in the past he even treated you horribly in front of the kids. He has ignored his financial obligations to his kids many times, controlling you and being vengeful at you by withholding money for basic needs.

Yet, you are just thinking about your H and what he feels and what he does and what he says and if he means what he says to OW #20,849... And you always take him back.

So to answer your question:

Do I even love him or am I codependent?

I am NOT a professional (and I will please beg you to go get some professional help as the #1 thing you do), but I personally don't think you love him either. I think you have a very co-dependent R with him and I don't know why. Only you and a professional can discover the reasons and find the way to break from it. But I strongly recommend that you find a CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) group ASAP. I know it has helped me more than I can say. Until you find one, google co-dependency today and start learning about it now.

I also think you are a victim of abuse and that your self-esteem has been completely destroyed by this man and it saddens me because I can see how valuable you are as a human being and really want you to see that and act in a loving way with yourself. You need professional help to find out what is it that you have been getting out of this very unhealthy relationship for years. That is where therapy would come in.

Sorry to be blunt, but how many more chances do you need to give him until he can prove to you that he has changed? How many more OW will there be? How many more times will he leave you and the kids again?
What further proof do you need that he is not able to stop his behavior by himself? He needs help and until he gets it, he won't change. And NONE of this is within your control so you need to stop focusing on him.

Because the real issue here is not that your H treats you like crap (because he does so with everyone in his life), but why you take it and how are you going to stop it. His behavior to you and your kids will only stop when you make it stop. Period. It's all about having boundaries and CODA can also help you with that.

You are an amazing woman. Strong, loving, loyal, forgiving, caring... It always came through to me in all your posts. You just need to realize that you deserve A LOT better than this. One thing I have learned from my own journey is how low my self-esteem is and how it has led me to a very dark, unhappy place and to accept things that are destructive. And I believe you have the same problem, so I understand that it's not that easy to see that in ourselves.

I want you to be happy and move on and get a better life for yourself, but if that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to take a strong stance and really change your life, then let me say that you have the 6 most important reasons to stop this insanity...

The day you became a mom, your life changed. You are not just responsible for yourself anymore, your goal in life is now different. You have 6 kids that depend on you like nothing else. And they deserve a lot more focus from you than your H does. You don't really talk much about them or how they are struggling with all of this...I know you adore them and you are trying your best to give them all the love they need, but you are dealing with bigger issues here.

Look at how emotionally devastating this relationship has been for you AS AN ADULT. Now imagine what it has done to them - they are just kids! Are they in therapy? How are they coping? What specific actions have you taken to help them deal with this?

I don't know anything about the laws in your state, but I wonder what your L and a judge would say given the history and extend of your situation and struggle with your H and how irresponsible, immature and abusive he has been with you all. Perhaps you will need to force your hand legally with your H to get him to behave and be responsible to his kids. Get ALL the help you can.

Your kids need some stability that they have not had for years. For your younger ones, this way of life is probably all they have ever seen. You need to be the adult one and protect them and SHIELD them from this madness. Your H's behavior is erratic, impulsive and he doesn't care how his craziness affects the kids. But you are aware (or should be by now) and it's all on you to take them away from this environment. It might not be fair, but this is what you have in front of you and what you need to deal with.

YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR H. He is toxic, destructive and abusive to all of you and if this continues, who knows how you and your kids will end up - physically and emotionally. IF your H ever changes (and that would require extensive professional help and YEARS of consistent, healthy behavior), then you can start worrying about what he says or does. But you are years away from that. You have bigger things to worry about.

Lisa - you are an incredibly strong woman. You have proved it by surviving this craziness for so long. Yet it is now time to use your strength not to survive, but to end this and give yourself and your kids the life you all deserve. My bet is that once you get yourself and your kids in a healthy emotional place you will probably not want him back. But that is not important now.

Please, Lisa - break free from this pattern of abuse and model healthy behaviors for your kids. You don't want your boys to grow up to become just like their dad and you don't want your daughter(s) to grow up thinking this is how a man should treat a woman.

You owe it to yourself and to them.

Lisa, I am so sorry I have to be so blunt, specially when I had never posted to you before. I just feel like you need a real shake-up and wake up call and I don't know that many of the people that are reading your thread now know the whole story and how far back this insanity goes... I feel like this is a mini-intervention and if I am being harsh and direct it is because I can't just sit here reading your thread day in and day out and just come and post that it will be ok, that you are doing great and that you should hang in there and be patient and ignore what your H says and does.

That is in my opinion the problem - you have been ignoring your H's behavior for years and now you need to end this.

Please accept my apologies if this is hurtful and I am not intending to cross any lines here. Please know that I am just trying to help you and your kids. I mean nothing but the best. I hope you don't think I am judging you - I am no one to do that. I just want for you to see your situation with different eyes so badly. I want you to see it with self-forgiveness, compassion and love for yourself and your kids.

Please come back to vent often, don't let me scare you. You need it so much. You will find support here, you know that because you have been here before, but I also would love for you to come back and share what actions you are taking to change your life and that of your kids. Stop being LisaLost - it's all in your power and many of us here are cheering you on!!!!!

((((((LISA))))))