Back Again #3 GAL sister!

[MKB23]

journaling-

So S14 just had a major meltdown. He got into it with his gf (who isolates him and I have been encouraging him to talk to others), then his phone just went to pot, and finally his sister started on him. It is not good. Of course, it is his dad that is bothering him. He was saying everyone leaves. Look at him- even my dad left. Then the anger at me again that I can't make him come back. I think at this point he blames me for him being gone. Definitely I was part of the problem but this seems to be more than that. It could be that I am just the only one here for him to take it out on. He hit the wall twice. At that point I told him if he hit the wall again there would be consequences. He did finally calm down but it was also after he basically picked a fight with D12. He also cussed at her. Then of course, she went into meltdown mode. Fortunately both D11 were already asleep.

He finally sat on the couch and basically went to sleep within minutes. I think he wore himself out.

I feel so helpless and H is an I don't even know what. It's bad enough he made me feel like this but our kids too? I'm so disgusted with him. Not even mad. The only justice there could possibly be in the universe for neglecting kids should be karma coming back 10 fold. I swear. WTH is he thinking???? How do you just walk out on them? Sigh. S14 said when I told him yes his dad loves him. He said but not more than he loves himself. He doesn't love anyone more than that.

S14 is already going to IC and of course the girls go too. Sometimes they do a group session sometimes alone. He did say too- Now you are going to tell IC about this and everyone will treat me like I'm crazy.

Advice? Anyone?

[labug]

My younger son identifies with his Dad a lot. He has some anger at me because H moved out and it's been rocky for us but is getting better. He also had some depression not long after the b/u.

I've shed many a tear about how this has affected my sons, and they're older.

My advice would be to love him, let him know it. Be willing to let him talk without trying to fix, or judge. Assure him that no one thinks he's crazy, that this is difficult for everyone.

This is hard stuff.

[Sweetbriar]

MKB23...I had to respond to your post, as I have a D14 Going through these same meltdowns. It has been very difficult to handle and see because we naturally want to make our children happy and safe all the time and when their dad walks out, we cannot fix that.

I can tell you what I have been doing to help her, although we still continue to have moments of what feels like insanity:( I am constantly telling her that her dad does love her and that he doesnt want to be with me, but still wants them in his life. Its hard to say sometimes, because in my heart, I do feel like he left all of us in the stranded state of shock. She lashes out as well and says she doesnt want to hear how much dad loves her anymore...she says the same thing as your son, that dad only cares about himself and OW. In my sitch, there is an OW that her dad spends time with in between seeing them on the weekends and he doesnt keep this info from her and my youngest D who is 11.

D14 is having a hard time with the fact that he spends more time with OW during the week than he does D and she resents him for that. Im scared that this will forever affect the relationship my girls have with their dad and I also have a baby boy on the way ...due in March and he will not even know H, due to his lack of care. My H sees my kids once a week and maybe on a weekend day for a few hours..and that is it. This is the man who was extremely close to them, so the adjustment for them has been very difficult, where the adjustment to him has been easy because OW takes up all his extra time now.

I think its important, that we let our kids know at all times, that we will NEVER leave them and that we will always stand by them, support them and try our hardest to foster their happiness and them feeling secure. This will be something that stays with them forever, unfortunately. They will always look back in their lives and remember the when daddy left and that kills me on a daily basis. The horrible thing is, in my case, my H doesnt care and he continues to tell them how life will be fine and things will get better and he HAD to leave. (all BS)

I hope that your son feels better today. I know sometimes my D is just tired and overwhelmed with the situation and school and any time a friend and her fight, it makes her emotions crazy too! I think some of it is just teenage years...they have so much change within themselves during these years and then they have to handle the loss of a parent as well. Its not fair to them.

We are left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts while our H's just go on their way. I havent read your whole story, but will now. I dont know if there is OW involved, but I know in my case, it makes things a whole level more difficult for my girls.

Last night, my D14 came downstairs crying..talking about Thanksgiving and how much she will miss her dad this year at the family dinner we have gone to since she was born. H has my girls tonight for a couple hours (his one night a week) and he wanted to take them to his parents..well they both refused saying that he walked out and that he doesnt get Thanksgiving with them. So now, they are going to a local restaurant and both D's are upset that this is how they will spend a holiday with their dad:(

Hang in there...being a mom is hard work...but we have to be there for them through thick and thin...and its hard some days, believe me ....I KNOW!!

SB

[MKB23]

SB- It is pretty much the same thing except in boy form. He idolized his father and they are/were very close emotionally even though H never really has taken the time he should have. H literally sees them about 4-5 hours a week. Nothing else. Same story, He HAD to leave. Also, that we ALL will be better off. He doesn't seem to care.
Ironic how much they seem to have in common.

[MKB23]

So S14 drops his phone and breaks it. I sent h text letting him know and ask if he can help with a replacement. Waited 5.5 hours. Finally called my call was rejected. He sent it to vm. I'm reminded again of what a nice guy he is. I didn't even bother leaving a message. I did send a thanks for responding text. Snarky yes. But seriously? My son wound up asking my FIL if he had any work he could do so S winds up chopping firewood so he can pay for his phone. Sigh. Again, s14 is more mature than h.

[JuneReN]

Phrasebook:

The kids will be fine
Life is too short
Don't you think that we should have never been married?
We are best friends, not spouses
I feel lighter now we are separated (NO s*it Sherlock, you don't have to deal with anything anymore...)


Your S14 sounds like he is working it out. Remember, at this age, it's all about them; not negatively, they just can't help it. So he sounds like he is doing okay. My S16 had meltdown a few weeks ago-we cried, but he insists he is alright with breakup. I have to say though-once again, my sitch is a bit different, since I have for all intents and purposes been sole parenting for years. I really cannot imagine how difficult it is when spouse moves out and leaves that huge space in the kids' lives. All I do know is that every single LBS on this board has stepped up through the pain, sadness and anger and continued to be the most awesome parent a person can be in these situations.

I am in awe of you, Melissa and every single parent who tries his or her damnedest every day. I raise my glass

[MKB23]

Wow! Thanks! lol I might have backslid. Not sure I consider it a backslide actually because I was angry not at first but I kind of don't care.

What happened.....coming through town and I saw H and OW leaving the ATM in her car (which btw is destroyed. I didn't notice before but not nice. He is in passenger seat, she driving) So they pull out behind me. Then slow way way down. I turned into the gas station and they went past. Kids saw H though.

So I sent text. -- I want the van since you aren't driving it. (it's a dodge caravan- paid off) He responds -- NO. My responses: Why? It's mine too and I have needed it several times. You have other options. And you call me vindictive ........
His response: Give me the car - (I have a chevy aveo hatchback. Tiny car.All 5 of us are riding in it currently. It is a joint loan but really my car and I make the payments) My response: Sure if you can pay for it! I need to call and have myself removed from the loan. You DO have a motorcycle and the Suzuki. You can't pay for anything right now and we both know it. Also the bank and Honda have both been calling here. Should I give them your new address? Additionally there is $95 on my electric bill that is yours (when OW and H hooked up and moved in they had the audacity to tack their electric on my bill. Yes, really. Basically, I told them get it off or I cut you off. They did move it but still I am stuck with that actually with late fee and taxes now it is $106 something)
He responds- The suzuki dont run and i cant aford to fix it i need the van. (I actually bought all the parts for it and new tires but it is still sitting)
I responded- You don't even drive it and you know it. And you stole my stupid lid to my coffee cup and my damn skillets. You stole all kinds of things which meant nothing to you. You are just being spiteful about all of it. (this is true and how I feel there are a bunch of things he took that were mine. I know this is stupid some of the things but I really felt sort of violated. He used to come over to watch the kids and come to find out he WAS taking my things)
He responds- Yes I drive it daily your not leaving me walking. You need to get over yourself!
Me- You left. I didn't leave you any way. Your choices were just that. Yours.
Him- Goodbye
Me - (now fairly angry) Stay classy.

So then we had come home and gotten my S14 and were taking D's to bb practice and sitting at stop sign. It is like a T. who should come by? Them in my van. He starts running his mouth and making gestures. SHe was too. Acting like trash. Really. Making masturbation gestures and the bird and stuff. He had his face all contorted obviously in a rage. Of course - Kids in car watching the whole time.

We turn and go on I said I can't believe that. I hate to say it one D says well she is just an ugly fat slob isn't she? So then I got super pissed and fired off a text.
Me- She like riding in the car you bought for me and OUR kids? She will never be me even though she seems to want my life. (which he did buy the van for me. Went picked it out and came home with it pretty as a peacock literally 4 years ago almost to the day so I could go visit my family in Ohio for the holidays because my previous van had died)
another text from me- (Can you tell I was furious?) Or listening to the iPod I bought ( he is never without it in the car engraved and completely loaded) The clothes I picked out. Even my dishes???? Girls said she what a fat slob. Course you always liked that.

How bad is that of me? Don't answer. I know. I see the hatred and venom. I can't believe I called her fat. I swear seeing them made me crazy almost. Then they acted stupid in front of the kids. That really got me.

I sorta don't care. Really. I can't reconcile that person in my mind with the man I was married to. The fact he was carrying on at the kids? OMG. Trash. Trash. Trash. At least I did it via text where they couldn't see or hear.

So tomorrow is TG. I intend to go to his fathers with my kids. I had also planned to cook too. If he shows up over there, I'm just leaving.

If you could have seen his face. It was just shocking. Not at all like I have ever really seen it. He wasn't in the least bit attractive to me. In fact, pretty ugly. That he and she obviously are feeding off that. I dunno. I worry about her doing something violent or really being vindictive. She was screaming and carrying on too. Ugh. Now the kids are just I dunno. Subdued. Although, I think they are shocked and just hurt. So that was my day.

I still have a pretty good frame of mind actually. Although, I shouldn't have said any of that. Yes, I know I was rude and snarky. I also know he is being vindictive. He has periodically come over and taken more and more stuff. I really am starting to think he is into heavy drugs and selling our stuff off. It would explain his craziness too. Of course, maybe that is wishful thinking. Sad when being drugged out would be a better alternative to the person I just saw.

[MKB23]

Now I am having guilt. I was mean. Sigh. I know there is something wrong with my H brain (not being a smart aleck) and I was mean. S14 says I shouldn't feel sympathetic that what H has done is so much worse than anything I said. I dunno.

[MKB23]

I also checked all our accounts. He has blocked me. More than likely it was her but whatever. Sigh. I should have expected this.

My guilt is pretty much gone. Not sure why I had it in the first place. I'm so stupid sometimes. I give up.

He was scary. The look on his face I just can't get over it. I pray he won't show up tomorrow. Really. I know my kids would be disappointed but seriously they all just sat there for a minute watching them. Not saying anything. It was disturbing. I even wondered if he is on hard drugs it was so bad. I don't think so though. Although, her uncle is a notorious meth maker so it is a very real possibility especially considering he hasn't had contact with anyone really but her family. I would rather just think his brain chemicals are jacked and his rage is so intense he is not even thinking straight. That he can't think straight.

It would almost be a blessing at this point if something would happen and he wind up in jail or the hospital. That probably sounds dumb. It felt like holy cow-- what is happening. This isn't regular angry. This is much much more.

I have been considering protection orders but I don't have any evidence really or anything that would be enough to justify it to a judge. Not sure. My S14 gf/guardian is a family court judge. Perhaps I can ask what is needed. It has me fairly freaked out. Also, that she was doing the same thing. I wasn't saying anything or screaming. Just looking. None of the kids were doing anything. Just looking. I'm surprised he didn't wreck.

S14 thinks I need a handgun. I guess I just gave my evidence right there. He said earlier -- Mama I think we need a revolver or a handgun. That should tell me enough. It scared him too.

He also overheard me on the phone talking to my mom and I said to her = "it was like a different person." S says- it is a different person. That's not my dad. I don't know where he went.

I don't know what to do. I need to take my anxiety meds. That much I DO know.

[labug]

Go back and read your posts.

What would you do differently?

What did you learn from this?

You reacted out of emotion to some childish interaction from your H. Your children were in the car with you. Is this how you want them to see you? Is this who you want them to be?

You have the opportunity to change the course of your life and the lives of your children, no matter what your H does or says or doesn't do or doesn't say.

You have that opportunity.

You are a smart young woman Melissa, but you're taking the easy road.

I think you need to stay away from a gun in your house until you can better control your emotions.