Lost and looking for help

[unbidden]

I would let it go, if you believe her. I've searched out of curiosity before and never had any intentions of actually contacting the guy. She looked him up on a business site. I wouldn't blow it out of proportion since she does seem to be genuinely contrite.

[AnotherStander]

What should I think about this?

You've already answered your own question right here:

I told her I again would take her for her word and move pass this.

There you go. It's done. Frankly it seems like a very minor thing, I'm not sure I would have made such a big deal out of it. I think after her first response I would have said "OK, well I'm sure you understand my concerns but I take your word that it was just curiosity on your part."

What should I think about this? Everything has been going great otherwise.

I wouldn't think anything about it, if everything else is going well then it all points to it being nothing to worry about. Sounds like the reconciliation is going quite well actually

[BC39]

Thanks for taking the time to respond unbidden. Your reply was helpful.

Thanks again Another for following my post, your thoughts are much appreciated.

I guess under the surface I still have doubts, which I know are normal at this stage in the game. I'm also aware that this will hinder our progress moving forward so I will try to keep them in check. I'm sure they will dissipate in time.

This forum is such a wonderful outlet for people in our situations, I'm very grateful I found it

[BC39]

Things have been going pretty well. We went on a trip down south for a week with kids and W's family.

I have noticed in the week we've been back that her affections have decreased a little. I asked her about it the other day and she chalked it up to having her time of the month.

She's seemed better in the last couple days, but I still can't help but feel something is missing. She's not quite the same as she was a few weeks ago when she had her "awakening". I very well could just be being sensitive. Haven't had much PA in last couple weeks (we were with the kids the whole time on the trip and they slept in bed with us, and none this week for above reasons)so that doesn't help.

It also doesn't help that were together 24/7 (we work together). Shes looking to start her own business, but until then we have to make the best of it, which I believe we do.

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still times when I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out. I try to remind myself how well things are going but its hard sometimes.

Is there anyone that can move my post to "Piecing"? I'd really like to discuss my sitch with vets on there. I haven't had the chance to read the DR book. (W and are always together so it makes this very challenging).

[AnotherStander]

Glad to hear things are still going well! Any R is going to have ebbs and flows, I wouldn't focus too much on that. It's understandable that so soon after the S you're still going to wonder if the bottom is about to drop whenever you see her pull back a bit. I think with time you'll build your trust back up and not focus so much on the little moves. Do read DR when you get a chance, it gives a lot of great advice for piecing and also helping keep a healthy marriage healthy.

[PeteWyo]

Cor, I read through your thread here and I gotta say your situation is alarmingly similar to mine. My marriage was, I thought, amazing, better than most. We didn't fight hardly ever, we had a lot of great times together. Anxiety caused me to withdraw and not go out as much as I should have and at times caused me to be uncomfortable when we were out, W covered for me a lot of the times, OM turned out to be our mutual "friend" who was "there for her" and she felt comfortable talking to. Unfortunately my W never came to the conclusion that she was making a mistake, at least not overtly. Anyway I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that aspect.

I sometimes think about what I would be doing right now if I was piecing and how I would get that trust back. It seems as though he is still on her mind. That will hopefully fade with time. But the more you force her to stay away, it seems she always gets curious. At some point, you are going to have to trust her, and I know that trust is earned. But what happens if you keep watching the phone records and internet history and there is no evidence that she is contacting him. Does that mean she isn't contacting him or that she just isn't using the phone or computer that you are checking to do it. That said, I agree with AS here:

There you go. It's done. Frankly it seems like a very minor thing, I'm not sure I would have made such a big deal out of it. I think after her first response I would have said "OK, well I'm sure you understand my concerns but I take your word that it was just curiosity on your part."

This is much less confrontational and shows her that you don't agree with it but you understand that it was just curiosity.

A big part of DBing is showing your spouse that you are the better option. Be firm with her that you don't agree with her staying in contact with OM (which you have obviously done) but also show her that you are forgiving and patient as well. I might be reading into the tone of your response to her a little bit but it sounded like you were hot about it, understandably so.

She said she just got a high from his attention and was somehow able to "turn off a switch" on her feelings/guilt.

Have you explored what you can do to give her this same attention? What is different that OM was doing that you were not. In my case, it was that the OM was there for her while I was at home crippled with anxiety. So he was the one that was standing up for my W when some of our other friends were being catty. It didn't matter that I would stand up for her all the time too, so I came to the conclusion that it was just right place right time for OM.

Just food for thought I guess. Certainly you are within your rights to monitor her communication but that will only work short term, long term you are going to have to give her a reason not to want to contact him or look him up in the first place.

Is there anyone that can move my post to "Piecing"? I'd really like to discuss my sitch with vets on there. I haven't had the chance to read the DR book. (W and are always together so it makes this very challenging).

I would humbly recommend you stay here in Newcomers, you will get the same great advice and although you have been reading posts for a while, you are relatively new here, as I am. I tried to jump over to the Separation thread after a few months and ended up back here because there are those that are familiar with my situation and have given me great advice the whole time.

Definitely read DB. There are some case examples in there that really hit home for me. They might give you some ideas of where your W's head is at.

[sandi2]

Cor74, I think you need to stay in Newcomers a while longer.

Your W was attracted to you when she saw you being stronger, plus when you threaten to leave. However, she will not continue to assure you that everything is okay. It's not attractive for a man to ask.

Your W is addicted to the feelings she experienced while in the A with OM. Her attempts at working on her M might have been sincere, but she struggled at not contacting him. Google PEAS and find out more information on this subject.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Cor74, I think you need to stay in Newcomers a while longer.

Your W was attracted to you when she saw you being stronger, plus when you threaten to leave. However, she will not continue to assure you that everything is okay. It's not attractive for a man to ask.

Your W is addicted to the feelings she experienced while in the A with OM. Her attempts at working on her M might have been sincere, but she struggled at not contacting him. Google PEAS and find out more information on this subject.

Those dopamine responses are real to her. Obviously if you could understand what's happening and help to change her reality so that you generate dopamine and oxytocin reactions in her.

[BC39]

It's understandable that so soon after the S you're still going to wonder if the bottom is about to drop whenever you see her pull back a bit. I think with time you'll build your trust back up and not focus so much on the little moves.

Agreed. Since yesterday she's been great, lots of PA, told me she loved me etc.


Sandi thanks so much for posting. I've read a lot of your posts, your opinion is greatly valued.

Your W was attracted to you when she saw you being stronger, plus when you threaten to leave. However, she will not continue to assure you that everything is okay.

I agree 100%. I understand she may not continue to tell me, but she's showing me through her actions, which is what I need to remind myself at times.

It's not attractive for a man to ask.

I know. I struggle at times with what I'm supposed to be asking her and what I'm not. When I asked her about the affection it was kind of an aside, I certainly didn't want to come off as needy to her. She's given me mixed messages in the past. She's made comments about me not always being an 'alpha male' type, but she's also said I was at times confident to a fault (this was a mixture of taking her for granted, having a sense of entitlement and a touch of arrogance when it came to having her as my wife), all of which I've done 180's on. As I'm writing this maybe her messages weren't mixed, maybe they were my perceptions of her messages and at the time may have been appropriate to expressing her feelings.

Your W is addicted to the feelings she experienced while in the A with OM. Her attempts at working on her M might have been sincere, but she struggled at not contacting him.

I am very aware of this. She is also aware of the difference between limerence and the difference between the feelings one gets from a happy and healthy long term marriage. I will do my best to give her both.


DaddyLongShanks I've read many of your posts as well, thanks so much for taking the time.

Those dopamine responses are real to her. Obviously if you could understand what's happening and help to change her reality so that you generate dopamine and oxytocin reactions in her.

The million dollar question. I thought of hiring a Biochemist and a time traveler to go back in time and extract my dopamine and oxytocin from my wife and then come back and secretly inject it into her while she slept. I'm half kidding

Seriously though, I will do everything I can to make that happen DLS.


fuanacdc Thanks for your input, I agree with your thoughts and comments. I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles. It certainly seems we have a lot in common. As soon as I get another minute I'll read through your sitch.

[BC39]

Things are going well for me. We seem to be at a new normal. I never would have guessed we would be where we are now 7 months ago when are sitch started.

Although I'm thrilled with where we are, there are times when it scares me at the same time. I think back to the things she said to me 7 months ago (ILYBINILWY, etc etc) and wonder how she got to where she is now so quickly. There's times I really want to ask her this (I'm not going to, I'm just talking out loud)

I'm curious what you guys would say are the big DONT'S in piecing?