I told him I didn't want this, but I'm doing it because I know he wants it. He said he knows. I'm just not a figher. It does nobody any good to be bitter and ugly, especially me.
I happen to agree with you and am glad you were able to get through it with as little pain as possible. When spouses fight over everything in a D, the only people that win are the lawyers.
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Anyways, he showed no emotion, which hurts the most.
It doesn't mean there's not a storm brewing inside. WAS's are masters of acting cool and calm on the outside while they're going through confusion and turmoil on the inside.
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I SO regret that now. If I could have just did more things with him maybe we could have reconnected. I am ashamed of that. And that hurts too. I could have avoided all this by being more attentive. And then again, part of me resents him not being more attentive too me.
Try not to beat yourself up too much over it. No one is perfect. Marriages don't survive and thrive because one spouse is perfect and the other isn't, it's because the spouses learn to live with each others' imperfections. That said, DB'ing is about taking stock of your contributions to the marital problems and changing those aspects of yourself. So don't beat yourself up, but do contemplate where things went wrong and what you need to do differently. Even if it doesn't help this R it will help with your next one.
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I called my lawyer back and asked if he would wait till after Christmas before filing our paper with the courts. He agreed and said he thought it was a good idea. I don't think it will change things, but you never know... right?
Sure, more time is always a good thing.
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I'm still so conflicted on what I want. Do I want him back? Do I want to fight tremendously hard for our marriage? Am I afraid I won't be able to forgive? YES, all of those things. And more ....
Read DR. Focus on the one thing you have the power to change- YOU. Detach from H. Get a life. Work on your changes. You will come out a better person whether your M is saved or not.
