Michele talks about that in DR as well. As I recall, she was away on a business trip and dreaded returning home because her H was picking her up at the airport and she was expecting him to be in a bad mood. She was traveling with another therapist and was talking to her about it. She asked Michele how she usually acted when she got back, and she said she was usually short and curt because she knew her H would be in a bad mood. So the therapist then asked "and how would you act if you knew he would be in a good mood?" She said she'd probably run up and give him a big hug and kiss and then tell him all about what she had done on the trip. The therapist said "then do that and see what happens." So she did it and was surprised to find her H was in a great mood and very receptive to her.
I think that's what Michele means when she says it's important to act "as if" around our spouses. Because if we act sullen and depressed then that triggers a certain reaction in them, but if act upbeat and happy that triggers a completely different reaction.
Around here we unfortunately don't get to see how people interact with their spouses, but I have a feeling that a lot of the complaints about a lack of WAS turnaround are due to LBS's dragging around like the world has ended. A WAS is never going to be attracted to that kind of stuff, there's just no hope of reconciling if we can't display a PMA. To me the "space and time" is just as important to the LBS as it is to the WAS. Because space and time allows the LBS to refocus themselves onto more positive pursuits and regain their PMA.
When my W was still at home I THOUGHT I had detached. But it wasn't until she left that I realized I had indeed not detached and I was still engaging in pursuit behavior, and that it was blocking me from really achieving a PMA. It got a lot easier to detach once she left, and PMA became a byproduct of the detachment and GAL activities.
