New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Yesterday was bittersweet. My lawyer said it was the most amiable divorce he's seen in 32 years of practice. We went in together, we signed the paper, we walked out together. My lawyer was a bit concerned about our joint checking out, but I'm not. Honestly, H would never do that. He knows it would only hurt DD in the long run. Even though he doesn't realize how much his decision to leave us is hurting her. BUT, we talked like old friends. I told him I didn't want this, but I'm doing it because I know he wants it. He said he knows. I'm just not a figher. It does nobody any good to be bitter and ugly, especially me. It take so much more engery for me to be mean than it does to be nice. Anyways, he showed no emotion, which hurts the most. But he has told me since first of October that he left our marriage a year ago. I have to remember he's dealt with these feelings and emotions that I'm just now dealing with. I keep thinking back during the summer, when I was home (because of job loss) and how many times he asked me to do something with him and I wouldn't. He was reaching out, but I didn't realize it. I was enjoying my first summer not working or school in 22 years. I wanted to hang at the pool or hang with DD. I SO regret that now. If I could have just did more things with him maybe we could have reconnected. I am ashamed of that. And that hurts too. I could have avoided all this by being more attentive. And then again, part of me resents him not being more attentive too me. I wanted him to do things with me also or go places with me and DD, but he wouldn't. So, we lived in a vicious cycle. And both of us afraid of hurting the other too much to actually talk about it. So see.... all of this was so avoidable, till OW. Now I'm not sure.
I called my lawyer back and asked if he would wait till after Christmas before filing our paper with the courts. He agreed and said he thought it was a good idea. I don't think it will change things, but you never know... right? I'm still so conflicted on what I want. Do I want him back? Do I want to fight tremendously hard for our marriage? Am I afraid I won't be able to forgive? YES, all of those things. And more ....