Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[leopoldstotch]

Hang in there SG its the roller coaster ride again. You are going to go back and forth between anger hurt and feeling fine. It takes a while for those feelings to go away but its normal. This is why GAL is so important.

[someguy1233]

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I pretty much stayed off the forum for a little over 4 days. It was a good break.

First, I'll post about interactions with W over the last 4 days. The next is some of my thoughts.

The brief description of the last 4 days is: It was A LOT of family time. W, S, and I spent the majority of the days together as a family. It was a great time, even W said the weekend was all that she hoped for.

Wednesday
W reached a new point of hate for her job. It really sounds like a horrible place to work with lots of backstabbing coworkers all trying to one up each other.

She had an interview with another company today. She said to me, "no matter what my next job is I'm going to be the best at it. I'm going to try my hardest and I'm going to be the best I can be. I'm going to suck it up and make it work."

I held back the snide comment of, "why don't you try the same thing for your marriage."

She snuggled me in bed again...

Thursday
We had her immediate family at our house for Thanksgiving. We worked great together to get the house cleaned and meal prepared before they arrived. W gave me a hug, kissed me on the cheek, and said "Happy Thanksgiving, baby. I love you." I responded, "I love you too."

She sat very close to me on the couch as we visited with her family. She made more physical contact this day than she has any day since BD. As we were outside having a smoke she finished before me and said, "I love you, but I'm cold. I'm going inside."

Friday
She decided we needed to make a Christmas list for what we were going to get everyone. We did some online shopping.

Saturday
It was a very frustrating day. I was angry/hurt. As I stood in the garage calming down I had a moment of clarity that I hadn't thought of in a while. I saw a smiling woman sitting in the passenger seat of the car. She had no face. But she was happy and she was with me. I realized something I hadn't thought of in a while. I WILL BE OK. That smiling woman may be my wife, or it may be someone else. But there will be someone smiling by my side. It might not be on the timeline of my choosing, but it will happen.

In the eveningf W's mom was at our house visiting. W asked me to get her an her mom a glass of wine. I joked with her about not getting it herself. She grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me on the lips. This was the first time our lips touches since BD.

W and I went to the bar on Saturday night. She brought up some "theoretical" questions of how things would work if we were divorced. She talked about how her friend that recently divorced handled custody of their daughter. I gave brief answers to her questions, but tried to stay away from talking about US. I just wanted to have a fun night with her.

She said her mom asked her, "How are you guys doing? You appear to be doing well." W said she told her, "We're just taking it one day at a time. It's not like we're getting divorced tomorrow. I'm going to find a new job before really making any decisions. We're just best friends and love each other."

We were talking a little about religion. W mentioned that I act as the most Christian person she's ever met. She found it interesting seeing how I'm Agnostic.

When we got home we were both a little buzzed. She told me she had a great time. I honestly tried some of my old playful techniques to initiate ML. She laughed but clearly wasn't interested in ML. We laughed and joked for a bit as we layed in bed. She made the comment, "I f'ing love you." and she snuggled in to me.
She commented, "I'm throwing you a cuddle here!"
I replied, "You're throwing me a cuddle? Like a favor? No. I'm throwing YOU a cuddle."
She laughed and replied, "I should feel so lucky."

She asked me, "What one word would you use to describe yourself?" I answered by asking her what word she'd use for herself. She said, "Spirited." I asked her what word she'd use for me and she said, "Loyal."

Sunday
S wasn't feeling well all day. My mom came over so W and I could go grab dinner and a drink and take a break from watching S.

W said she had fun again. The service was great and W commented on my generous tip. She jokingly said, "Want me to wait in the car? Are you trying to get something from the waitress?" (referenceing sex...) I laughed and jokingly replied, "Sure. I'll see you outside in a bit." W immediately responded with, "You might as well. I'm probably not giving you any." I'm sure my face looked shocked at her matter-of-fact comment. W quickly said, "Oh was that mean? I'm just being factual."

When we got into bed I immediately rolled away from W. She spooned me tightly and said, "Goodnight, <my nickname>." I said goodnight. She said, "I love you." I said, "I love you too." She then kissed me on the back of the neck.

All weekend there were frequent conversations related to sex. Not really conversations about us, but about some of her fantasies. She also spent a day obsessing with thoughts of getting breast implants. I know she isn't happy with her body since S was born. These frequent conversations were frustrating since we haven't ML since prior to BD.

[someguy1233]

I was reading Denver's comments in another thread relating to Plan A vs Plan B.

It really hit me as I feel like I'm sitting in Plan A. I'm trying to be the rock or lighthouse shining the way home for my W. I'm nearly always a happy person around her. I help hold the household together. But this may simply be enabiling her to never make any decision. I really wonder how long I should continue this behavior. Especially with the possibility of OM.

I've been strongly debating bringing up possible OM to W. But every time I ask myself what good would come from confirming it (assuming she'd tell the truth)? I don't think it'd be usefull unless I had my mind made up to either leave her or go through exposure, etc.

[someguy1233]

GAL for the past four days---
Close to none. It was mostly all "family time" and going out with W in the evenings twice. I really have a hard time leaving to do things for myself when W is willing to spend time with me in the evenings. I feel like these are chances to show her who I can be. But there's a part of me that knows I need to get away...

I did grab an audio book version of The New Codependency. I'm not too far into it yet, but a few things already ring true.

[leopoldstotch]

Your interactions with her seem to be good and if she is wanting to spend time with you I don't see the harm in it. I think her asking you if you wanted something from the waitress was her way of seeing if you are still interested in her. Good answer to telling her yes to wait in the car. Its good that you didn't say something like no I only want you. I think if you would have told her that it would show her that she can do whatever she wants because you are still waiting for her. She told you no sex and you didn't react which was good. I believe some women not all but some use sex as a means of control. Not saying that your W is but she does seem to bring it up a bit.

As far as OM goes its probably best you let it go unless you are 100% certain that there is/was an affair. All you have is suspicion right now. When I confronted my W about her A I had 100% proof plus I was absolutely positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was ready for whatever consequences would come of exposing it.

As far as being the rock or lighthouse you be that until YOU decide that you no longer want to do that. I take it you know Denvers story. He made the changes to be a better person yet his W had a difficult time believing in them. They didn't ML for two years. I believe it took Denver @ 18 months before he finally decided he couldn't go on living the way he was living. He prepared D papers had them sent to his W and then went dark for two months. She finally realised she didn't want a D and now they are piecing. So what I'm getting at is only you can say when you have had enough and there's no guarantee that if you decide to end your M that your W will want to come back. You feel you are enabling her to not make a decision. I'm sure she knows this can't go on forever. When she brings up how you two would handle D tell her matter of fact what I suggested a few posts ago that will take away your enabling feeling.
You have a lot of normal thoughts that we all have when going through this. Just hang in there. You will know when the time is right to make a decision. When we were separated in 2003 that decision hit me like a hammer. I woke up one day was fixing my truck when it came to me that I couldn't live like we were at the time and I was ready to D. Give it time SG.

[someguy1233]

Thanks, Leo. I guess the downside to spending time is I feel like she's taking advantage of me. She can have the family life when she wants it and run to the bars when she doesn't.

She sent a text after work indicating she was going out for a quick drink and would be home soon. Well, she missed dinner and seeing S again. She's still not home and hasn't said anything further to me.

I think I know why I told feel too anxious when she's out at the bars, possibly with OM. It's because I get more anxious when I know she's coming home. Because I don't want to have any R talks out of fear of what she'll say.
When she stays out I avoid those talks and get time to myself. Maybe this is crazy.. Or unhealthy. I'm not sure. I just know that tonight I dot want to talk. I'm tired.

[someguy1233]

Last night I remembered a valuable tool for dealing with anxiety. I wish I could remember who posted it, but someone once said that anxiety is based on fear. The best way to deal with it is to address the fear. I tried it last night as I was laying in bed struggling to sleep.

Why was I anxious?
1. I was afraid W would come home and want to talk about our relationship.
2. I was afraid W would say she wants a divorce.

What was the reality of these fears?
1. I can tell her I'm tired and don't want to talk.
2. No matter what she says or does, I will be ok. Life will go on.

I fell asleep within minutes of thinking these rational thoughts rather than the spiral of "what-ifs." What a valuable tool!

[someguy1233]

W came home around midnight last night. This morning my communications with her were brief. I was again frustrated that she said she'd be home soon and ended up staying out all night. All I've ever asked for is an update.

This morning she said, "I'm sorry. Are we going to fight all day?"
I responded, "You did it again. All I ask is that you tell me what's going on."
She replied, "I know. I know you worry. You can text me any time to make sure I'm ok. Drunk W equals non-communicative. If I got a text from you I'd remember and think 'oh shoot!' This is also a really tough week for me with work." (she plans to quit her job on Friday.)

----

Later on I asked if she had a fun night. She said yes. She was out with a few people from work, including possible OM.
I replied, "I thought he was moving across the country?"
She said, "Not until January. They're working on finding somewhere to live, and his W is trying to find a job. He's occasionally working out of my office until he moves."

Either she thinks I'm clueless about him, or she doesn't care. She had been wearing her rings all weekend. Yesterday, she took them off for work.
She was proud that she hadn't smoked at all last night. I know that possible-OM doesn't like smoking.
I noticed that she'd again dressed up for work yesterday.

I don't know what to do with this. Part of me thinks I should just wait to see what happens by January. The other part of me feels I deserve better than to go through this again.

[leopoldstotch]

SG I can see OM is weighing on your mind. Its up to you to tell her you saw the picture of him. Of course its going to get ugly she will deny any wrong doing. I can tell you if I found a pic like that I would have said something right then and there. IMO that is not something to sweep under the carpet but that's just me. Everyone has their opinion about what to do in that situation. How you handle it is up to you. What does your W say to you about OM? Keep in mind he may be pursuing her but the fact she had or has that pic of him is inappropriate and disrespectful to you. Remember if you confront her about it there will be consequences. I feel as married couple we have a right to know what is going on. If you do R the thoughts you have of OM could bother you it would me. I'm not telling you to say anything to her about it but if you feel that its something you need to do then you need to be prepared for the storm to follow. What do your instincts tell you?

[someguy1233]

If he wasn't moving across the country I'd be more inclined to bring it up to W.

I guess for now I'll continue to sweep it under the rug. Not forever, but temporarily. Eventually it will come out. Either when I've had enough or if we reconcile. One way or another, it will be addressed.