Heather, Are you sure your h isn't a twin to rH's h? Your h has the best of both worlds and comes to you for an "emotional fix" and then is very vague in what he's doing. You can be a friend, but friends don't treat friends the way your h has been doing.
As for him being vague, mlcers are like that because they don't want us to know what they are doing and w/whom. Set your boundaries and don't fall into the rabbit hole w/him. He senses that you are getting stronger and are living your life and he's trying to pull you back into his rabbit hole. Don't go there.
You tried to fix/help him by offering him a place to sleep. It was a nice gesture, but if he's on a whirlwind of wanting to separate and live his life separately from yours, why would you do that? Were you hoping that he would soften enough to discuss the situation and hopefully agree to work w/you on the marriage? Unfortuantely, it does't work that way in the land of MLC. He saw your nice gesture as pursuit and he backed way off. What I'm seeing here is the pursuer/distancer game being played out. You have a choice here...either continuing pursuing and chase him completely away or sit quietly and allow him to come to you.
Heather, you have been doing so much better in not over analyzing your situation. I can see where the contact in the last week has had you in a thinking tailspin. Generally, when mlcers are being nice, they either have done something wrong or they want something from us. The trip is all about them and what they can get out of it. If he thinks that he can have the best of both worlds, i.e., cake eating, he'll try it until you set boundaries.
Take the time off for the holiday and relax. Your family is right about one thing...don't all him to pull you back into the rabbit hole. What he's doing is ensuring that he keeps one toe in your pond and the other in the mlc pond. As for the ow, I personally, think she's still in the picture and that is one of the reasons he's being vague w/you. The "friends" comment is used by all of them and it doesn't usually mean the same thing to them as it does to us. The ow may be a booty call only (as friends).
I do hope that you have a nice Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time w/your family and try to leave the mlc monster at the door.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I hear what you're saying and I agree. I was stressed and allowed myself to get lost in the fantasy of "things just going back to what they were."
Not sure how to set boundaries. I will need to back-track some. I did invite him to come over Thanksgiving evening. Re-thinking this now. He is supposed to take the car to get fixed on Friday--that I'm ok with.
When I set the boundaries, I want him to understand three things. It's important to me that I stand up for myself on these points.
1. I WILL Not accept responsibility for his sleeping with someone else. I have told him to do ALOT of things over the last nine months--He chose to listen to me in my depths of despair and it's horrible, cruel even to lay that blame on me.
2. I do NOT accept he is friends with someone he has had/having sex with. At least, that's not my definition of friendship--especially when you are married to someone else.
3. I wouldn't think of inviting someone into my life or the kids' lives--at this point--after all we've been through--if I wasn't 100 percent sure I could trust this person was able to take responsibility for his actions and that this person was trustworthy.
OK. I feel better. Feels good to even just write this stuff here.
Thanks Snodderly--and everyone else. I needed some clarity and I think I just got it.
I'm grateful to everyone here for helping me through this!! NOT sure what I would have done if I hadn't found this board.
Happy Thanksgiving to ALL.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Since you have invited him over for the evening of Thanksgiving, I wouldn't change those plans at this late date. I would remain calm and civil while he's there, but try not to take his bait and fall in the rabbit hole. Mlcers tend to send out mix signals and we look for all of the positives and hope that they are waking up...your h is still confused and is bouncing around. Unless he cuts all contact w/the ow and can jump through hopes and do everything humanly possible to prove to you that you can trust him, I wouldn't fall into the hole. He's just not there yet.
I'm going to give you my honest opinion. Just set your boundaries and if he should ask why you are setting them, then tell him, but don't do it up front. Actions speak louder than words and that has always proven the best way to deal w/the mlcer.
Have a nice Thanksgiving and focus on your family for a few days. Nothing is going to change w/your mlcer in that amount of time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have absolutely no advice to give you as I am cycling myself. But you have my empathy and support. It is always a bit of a mirror to read Snodderly's words.
For me, I want to believe that if he is being nice that means he is moving toward me. My head says "don't be stupid". The truth is, I almost wish he was nasty. Then I would not always feel that I am trying to separate the garbage from what is real.
Right now, I have found boundaries particularly difficult so congrats if you have determined and can set and enforce yours.
You spoke of a "fix" in an earlier post. I am scheduled to spend a day with my SO and I think I am dreading it more than anything. We always have fun - what hurts is when that does not lead to any more progress. Yech.
Heather, When my xh was nice (and even still to this very day), my radar would go up and I would wait to see just what he wanted or how he had screwed me over in some scheme of his. I learned early on that they aren't always nice to be nice. I hope that I am wrong about your h.
How to handle them when they are nice? Accept them for who they are and accept the being nice for that particular day. Tomorrow is usually a different story. Remain calm and speak in a calm manner to them. The calmer you are, the harder it is for them to blame you for their problems.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He took the doors to his fun jeep. The jeep I caught he and the OW in this summer. Didn't tell me. Noticed because I was in the barn getting a table for tomorrow. I'm pi$$ed. Am I over-reacting?
I believe the jeep is stored at her house.
Feel like he got one over on me again.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok, here's what I did. I feel pretty good about it. Feel as if I reclaimed my power.
Since he took the doors within the last week, that means he has seen OW. I told him 10 days ago that I wasn't comfortable with him coming over to the house and acting like a family when she was still in the picture. He has been coming to the house.
So... after I noticed the doors were gone, I texted "Where are the doors to the jeep?"
He replied "I took them and put them on the jeep so I could close it up for the winter."
I asked "Is the jeep at Dani's place?" (dani is OW)
He took awhile and replied
"It is at Mike's house (mike lives with OW). Too many mice at my parents house..."
Then he changes the subject and asks a question about D18.
I reply
"Thanks for the reminder. As long as she is in ur life, ur not in mine-we are living separate lives-have a happy thanksgiving."
Then I add "Next time please let me know before you remove anything-then I don't have to worry something was stolen."
He responds
"I'm very sorry. I don't have anywhere else to park it. Mike has a couple of cats and they do a nice job of keeping it rodent free. I would ask to bring it home but it would be covered in chicken poop. I'm being honest what more can I do."
I don't think this deserves any response. I've said my part. And, now I can relax and enjoy Thanksgiving Damm!t!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
