I am so freakin jealous! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your list of things you did. I wish I could walk through the forest and smell pine trees.
About Thanksgiving, keep your conversation light. No heavy talk. Remember to avoid some of the things you may do that are not appropriate in social settings. (For me, I try to be the know-it-all. I annoy myself now that I'm aware of it! LOL!)
If W LL is physical touch, brush your hand against her back when you pass her. Maybe on her waist and ask her if she's slimming down?. If W LL is affirmation, compliment her how well she looks. When she talks, say "that's a good point" or "yeah, you're so right about that" If W LL is Gifts, give her a small inexpensive thinking of you gift. (ex. her fav. candy ;-) If W LL is acts of service, roll up your sleeves and help out in the kitchen. I WOULD LOVE IT IF H DID THAT AT A GATHERING! BIG TURN ON FOR ME!! If W LL is quality time, enjoy your time with your friends but don't stray from her. That's my LL and I hate it when H spends more time at a party with others than with me!
That's my miss know-it-all advice! LOL!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I am so freakin jealous! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your list of things you did. I wish I could walk through the forest and smell pine trees.
About Thanksgiving, keep your conversation light. No heavy talk. Remember to avoid some of the things you may do that are not appropriate in social settings. (For me, I try to be the know-it-all. I annoy myself now that I'm aware of it! LOL!)
If W LL is physical touch, brush your hand against her back when you pass her. Maybe on her waist and ask her if she's slimming down?. If W LL is affirmation, compliment her how well she looks. When she talks, say "that's a good point" or "yeah, you're so right about that" If W LL is Gifts, give her a small inexpensive thinking of you gift. (ex. her fav. candy ;-) If W LL is acts of service, roll up your sleeves and help out in the kitchen. I WOULD LOVE IT IF H DID THAT AT A GATHERING! BIG TURN ON FOR ME!! If W LL is quality time, enjoy your time with your friends but don't stray from her. That's my LL and I hate it when H spends more time at a party with others than with me!
That's my miss know-it-all advice! LOL!
These are all great things when you're in the PIECING stage, but we have NO IDEA where 2TP's wife's head (and heart) is at right now. She may still be foggy and wayward.
2TP, I'm not a big fan of R convos, but if you must I would simply ask her "So what is your thinking regarding the marriage these days? I'm sure we've both had a long time to do some thinking and to make some decisions. I'd be interested to hear what you think."
Vero - yeah, the GAL was very good for me. And that pine forest...well there is pine which smells great, but then there is balsam and that fragrance just blows me away!!!
Quote:
2TP, I'm not a big fan of R convos, but if you must I would simply ask her "So what is your thinking regarding the marriage these days? I'm sure we've both had a long time to do some thinking and to make some decisions. I'd be interested to hear what you think."
Starsky - thanks for the advice. It has been over a year with no R conversation. My W has been sending signals though that create some confusion for me. Also, she has been making comments about certain things that imply "we/us" that really need to be clarified in my mind.
I do not intend to be in limbo forever. I feel the need to flush things out one way or the other and this is the only way I see to do it.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hell is worse then limbo. Please seriously don't do it. Her answer will be to continue to valid the direction she is headed.
Call a DB coach and have them talk you out of this nonsense.
Continue doing what ever you feel like doing don't let her expectations effect your decision to clean up the house. Assume she will never ever get back together.
Seriously 2tp I love you, don't do it
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
OK, help me out here. Why no R conversation? If not now, when?
There is a reason behind my need to have this conversation. She is hell bent on selling the house. Ok, fine. But then she makes comments like, "Should we have these chairs recovered?" or "I think I'm going to move back into the master bedroom. The guest bedroom is too small and isn't helping my depression." or "What do you think of this house?" or "I'm getting my breast reduction surgery in December and need a ride home from the hospital."
Her 50th birthday was earlier this month. I was out of town at the time, but the week prior I was in town and gave her a small gift. The gift was a nice handmade piece of pottery from Maine filled with sea glass and small sea shells that I had collected. I wrote her a nice note that said something like "People are a lot like sea glass. We start out with a lot of jagged edges but over time we soften and transform into something beautiful."
It was just a nice gesture for my W on what was a significant milestone birthday. Her reaction blew me away! She came up to me sobbing, hugged me and thanked me for the gift. I did not give her the gift expecting any kind of a reaction. I simply wanted her to know that I remembered this important day.
So, anyway here I am more than a year separated from my W and family. I am tired. I have seen a new side of life that I didn't realize I was missing. I don't want to be played the fool and allow my W to continue her cake eating ways. She is self described "severely depressed." I want my kids to live in a clean and healthy home.
So why no R conversation? I'd at least know once and for all what direction to take my life.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
So why no R conversation? I'd at least know once and for all what direction to take my life.
This is your answer why my friend...
Because you are asking HER to decide the direction in YOUR life.
You don't need an R conversation to move forward... just do it.
Stop talking about stopping the cake-eating.. stop it.
Create that healthy life for you and your children.
What is stopping you? The fear that if you do, she might not come after you?
Well at least you would know where you stood then... AND be creating a GOOD life at the same time.
I'm not going to say it's not scary It is.
I'm not saying it doesn't come with out risk. It's risky
And I definitely won't lie and say it won't hurt like hell to move forward and your wife decide not to move forward with you (should she chose to).. It does
... but it's certainly better than limbo....
... which if you truly want out of it... you have the power to do it. And you definitely have the strength to...
.. but the question is... is your heart ready to move on?
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
So, anyway here I am more than a year separated from my W and family. I am tired. I have seen a new side of life that I didn't realize I was missing. I don't want to be played the fool and allow my W to continue her cake eating ways. She is self described "severely depressed." I want my kids to live in a clean and healthy home.
So why no R conversation? I'd at least know once and for all what direction to take my life.
You've been separated for a year and if I understand correctly, you are ready to move on with or without W. If that's the case, then you have been successful in your DB'ing because that is the ultimate goal- to work on yourself and bring yourself to a point where you know you can be happy regardless of what happens with the M. If the status quo is unacceptable to you then you need to do what is right for YOU. And if that means giving her an ultimatum, or telling her you're moving on without her, then by all means do it. This could very well bring an end to the M, so just do a little reflecting first and make sure you're OK with that.
I'm impressed you've stood as long as you have. If your M ends now, I would say you gave it a good, honest effort and deserve to be respected for it.
AS, I dont agree with you on this. Giving an ultimatum is guarenteed to give 2tp the answer he doesnt want.
Val is spot on.
SHe is depressed. Its a mental illness. She is saying and doing contrary things but she cant see that because she is depressed. Seriously this is a mental illness.
I remember your wife was seeing a terrible therapist who was essentially pro-d. Since she has acknowledges that she is depressed can you research and find MD psychiatrist to treat her.
I was seeing a therapist but having had a GOOD psychiatrist for the past year has transformed me. Being on the right AD is essential.
Seriously take the time and find a great doctor and maybe some how convince her to go.
I know it stinks that she keeps the house a disaster but do not clean it up. You need to just get over it. I hate living in a mess too but we dont live there she does.
I would talk to your kids about how they feel when the house is messy it may not bother them. If it does bother them maybe they can talk to mom themselves about a cleaning schedule that they all participate in. Maybe they can contribute allowance to having a cleaning lady come ever other week.
Your trying to control how she keeps her house and how she takes care of the kids is a bigger offense then her keeping the house messy.
Every time you tell her the house is messy she hears - you are a crappy mom. If she is already depressed hearing that she is a crappy mom doesnt help.
Hang in there 2tp. Be grateful for having 2 great kids!! We have missed you around here
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
