I know most people say this, but I really believe (know) my h and I will never get back together. I can hear Taylor Swift singing that song just for me.

I feel (again everyone does I'm sure) that my sitch is different because my H works to hide, and hides at ea/ow's to await more work, then comes home uninterested in us because he should be at work?!

Also, his depression is life long, his anger is deep rooted, his spiritual battle is intense, and he was never a very attentive partner to begin with.

If meds is what he needs desperately in order to live a "normal" life that's like a trap for me. Even if he was to ever get on them, turn his life around there is always that trap that he could just stop... turn my life upside down again now that I am older maybe more vulnerable!

He sounds like a gamble....like I would have to live on a prayer everyday that he continues on the meds and the path they helped him get on. I've never been a gambler, not even when the odds are good, and I don't consider him (trust) that he's good odds.

This is me convincing myself I'm ok to turn away from him, it's ok to not have expectations, justifying that I don't "want" to love him anymore because he scares the sh!it out of me.

The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!