Yes, it is soo tiresome. How long can you listen to some call themselves every ugly name in the book before your sick to your stomach over their word vomit. I know that sounds extrem but I'm being honest with myself.
The refusal of meds is probably most of H's problem, as the C said he would have such clarity, memory, and calmness in his head as, he's too full of energy and can't even settle his mind to sleep.
The trick is to stop worrying about H. Just live your life day by day, focused on you and feel great about yourself. At least that's what I tell myself everyday, sometimes several times a day.
Here's me trying to be strong!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I know most people say this, but I really believe (know) my h and I will never get back together. I can hear Taylor Swift singing that song just for me.
I feel (again everyone does I'm sure) that my sitch is different because my H works to hide, and hides at ea/ow's to await more work, then comes home uninterested in us because he should be at work?!
Also, his depression is life long, his anger is deep rooted, his spiritual battle is intense, and he was never a very attentive partner to begin with.
If meds is what he needs desperately in order to live a "normal" life that's like a trap for me. Even if he was to ever get on them, turn his life around there is always that trap that he could just stop... turn my life upside down again now that I am older maybe more vulnerable!
He sounds like a gamble....like I would have to live on a prayer everyday that he continues on the meds and the path they helped him get on. I've never been a gambler, not even when the odds are good, and I don't consider him (trust) that he's good odds.
This is me convincing myself I'm ok to turn away from him, it's ok to not have expectations, justifying that I don't "want" to love him anymore because he scares the sh!it out of me.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
This is me convincing myself I'm ok to turn away from him, it's ok to not have expectations, justifying that I don't "want" to love him anymore because he scares the sh!it out of me.
But that IS OK!! DB'ing is self-discovery. We work on ourselves initially because we hope to get our M back together, but often along the way we rediscover the person we really are that got buried under years of parenting and caring for others. Once we find ourselves and get our self-esteem back, then we have to take a good, hard, objective look at our M's and decide where to go from there. I went back and read your original post and your H has been in a fog for three years, right? You've stuck it out a long time waiting for him to change, but he may never again be the person you married. So you may be at a crossroad where you have to ask yourself if you want to continue trying to make it work with this "new" person or do you need to take another path. There is no right or wrong answer, both choices have advantages and disadvantages. You have to choose the one you feel will give you the greatest chance of becoming a better you.
fog for three years, right? You've stuck it out a long time waiting for him to change, but he may never again be the person you married. So you may be at a crossroad where you have to ask yourself if you want to continue trying to make it work with this "new" person or do you need to take another path
Yes, it's been at least 3yrs. The changes he has made are all against God, himself, and his view of life with me and the kids. He has turned to money as his platform for why life stinks, why he can't move forward, and why he's stuck not being the perfect provider.
I am envisioning myself taking a new path and inch my way everyday, sometimes minute by minute, toward something new. I open my eyes to the idea of a new love, filled with respect, and faithfulness, as well as faith.
I have learned to push H into the back of my mind in order to not spend my days thinking about him, and going over every word he has said trying to analyze crazy spew. I figure it's avoidance doing it that way, but if I am able to keep him in the back of my mind long enough it will just become habit.
One can only pray that we give ourselves the love and patients we are soo willing to give them. Why is that so hard?
My biggest set back is when he's home, not spewing, not angry, but helplessly defeated, counting on my intelligence and strength. That's the real H of today when the mask of MLC comes off.
Today is the day of cleaning, food anticipation, and when we reflect on what were thankful for before prayers tom. I can say this much, I'm thankful knowing that if I don't fair well tom. I can come to this site and breath.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
wow- this is strong you. i wish i had the conviction and feeling to say that5 out loud too. i'm still"wondering" - but find myself thinking intellectually i am feeling the same thing- my brain says i do not want to live like this- always having to not trust- be suspicisous (and care!!!) what he is doing.
if he is out of my life- then all i have to do is get used to being lonely or poor- that doesn't seem too awful in comparison to having to always feel hurt by the other guy's rejection and constant crappola (of every sort).
Good day over all, Journaling: So I cried very briefly and then went about my dinner plans with the kids. My H was here up until around 4p. My D18 tried to spend some time with him, he laughed (though very reserved) after an hour slipped onto the porch, then he slipped into his car and left.
Like I said early he didn't want to have anything to do with TG because he's not TFull for ANYTHING! So I guess he stayed true to himself with that one. He's out there in his house clothes (sweats & glasses) no cell, but I see he took his e-reader which gives me some comfort.
It tells me that he's likely at the park, parked reading and smoking. WHy do I care - I can't care - sorry - I have to put myself first - this has the potential to make me crazy if I let it in.
SO I am thankful that my kids are adult enough to chalked it up to dad being how he is...no animosity or hurt feelings from them. My D18 saw me tear up as I said it's our first TG in 24yrs apart...she said "so"...it's not a big deal! Her only concern is that he's not off hurting himself.
I'm ok, surprisingly! Sad, that he's this sick (gone) and won't let us help him or go to the C himself to finally put his ducks back in a row.
D18 has work tonight at Hollister in the mall I guess I'll have one of my S's take her for safety, she's lucky to have 3 older brothers, I think it makes things a little easier missing her dad.
Me, I'm going to go on with my night, when H comes back- don't ask, don't have an attitude, exercise patience and pray for the strength to carry it though!
Good wishes all around!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
sounds like "you done good" - and were a total neutral gal. It's hard as hell isn't it- it's the part about remembering happier and more loving times. that's what's holding us - i began to say "holding us back" - but i'm not sure if it is totally awful or not - -
it is part of our life and our "history" with these guys - guess a person cannot change that. - much as we'd like amnesia - i guess we don't get to get it on demand. maybe with time it recedes to some place where it doesn't hurt us.
if you or I had someone waiting in the wings- we'd be alot happier & able to move "on". that is for sure. guess that is their m.o.- just go for the momentary excitement and the consequences be damned - like a baby -
we had a nice day- food was great- company was fine - my older sister made me laugh because she was being all snippy & bossy to her ex-husband. she feels very very tough when she does- it's very big gesture for her - being tough and standing her ground (over not putting the jar of beets he bought accidentally on the table) (oiy) - very small in general, in life.
i am probably equally tentative alot of the time- it's sad that we are all so "pushed around" feeling in all this. Anyway- she was kind of funny to watch. trying to keep my sense of humour aboutus all in life- what the heck can anyone do?
i'm feeling my usual morning blue - wierd thing- wonder if hormones are all time high in morning or low - hence the a.m. wierdness. i've always been a "morning person" -
it doesn't matter i'm sure what the heck i feel - just as long as i get perking along and snap out of it- and get going doing soemthing. that's all that counts - rite???
left - rite - left - rite- me just doing it- ta da.
anyway- wanted to say hi- glad you survived the holiday. i cannot imagine a holiday (or life) withouth here - but i can see that it may be my reality sometime (soon?) - sad and sad.
good thing to have a cry- get it out-
Quote:
It tells me that he's likely at the park, parked reading and smoking. WHy do I care - I can't care - sorry - I have to put myself first - this has the potential to make me crazy if I let it in.
I know- i really really do - it's who we are. I wonder the same- i feel it - i can't believe i - i try and talk myself "down" from it- it seems to be lurking in the background of my mind always - (or heart?) i don't f'ing know anymore- if we didn't care- we wouldn't have lasted so long and still be here. i don't know whether to laugh or cry- i feel glad to know you still feel it and say it- we're working on it- it's a slow process isn't it - to get to un-love someone after sooo many years. wonder if it matters or will matter to them when our journey is complete? one hopes yes, one doesn't have the juice to hope anything anymore.... oiy...
wonder if the Journey being "complete" will preclude our feeeling anything at all for them? this business of being friends- i truly wonder if that's the sort of thing i'll be able to do. i do not see myself ever just neutral and "happy for him" - i don't wish him dead or in pain- but honestly- his happiness has cost me sooo much - crummy person that i am- i'd rather think him wallowing in misery - self induced and acknowledged as such - ta da- suffer sucker - - happy thanksgiving- drive thru please
Anyway- you managed - you felt what you felt and carried on with the day. all one could ask of oneself - - - hopefully, as long as you can acknowledge it- feel it- say it- and move past it- and proceed with your day - that's something huge??? i'd say you conquered the day - good job... (or something) ((( ))) oh well....
I’m glad TG is over though it was a fine day. Strangely enough the one giving me the most grief are my parents. We didn’t have them over so my mom shoved in my face about her friends they went to, they are perfect according to her. My mom said the day before that her wish for me is to get a D. I don’t need to hear her lack of understanding disappointment.
So H ended up leaving here to pick up homeless people to take them to a Mission house were he sat with them eating and giving them his company while talking about God. When he returned home he told me this on the porch saying he was compelled to do this and proceeded to tell me of these stages he’s going through.
It was like he was reading straight from the ‘’stages of mlc book” he talked about the stages he’s gone through and the one he’s feeling strongly about right now. He is getting past the teen yrs, though it’s still tempting to fall back, and entering his young adult needs of becoming a Missionary. Feeling the weight of the world he was quite the activist, and advocate.
He thought I was crying (contacts) and put his hands on my face saying he’s not trying to be mean, or doing evil against me or the kids. He said he was so impressed with how I’m my grounding, acknowledging he has “seen” me when I was distraught, but amazed at my strength to the point that is scares him. I said I don’t condone some of his actions and not to misinterpret my silence.
I thanked him for cleaning the house before dinner, he said “I” never have to thank him. He apologized for the hurt and the A last yr saying he spiraled so far away from himself that he didn’t care about anything. Now he’s trying to find himself, no at all having a PA, not doing drugs, not spending money on ea/friends, and not trying to get a D.
He has a small savings (that I have access to) and transferred some money to pay for all the alcohol and food he spent outside of the family from the family account. He brought up ea saying that it’s is purely out of her poverty and insanity that he tries to help her, while needing sometimes a place to sit between gigs. He also said he actually hates her and can see why everyone tells him she’s a horrible person, and it’s becoming estranged. I offered him pie to get far away from that conversation, whip cream w/that!
I’m going to stay on my course, if I actually even know what that is. Is this DBing? Is this 180, NC? I don’t know exactly what it is I’m doing.
Any idea’s out there, what’s your opinion about what I’m doing and how? I would like to be able to relate to a narrowed down idea in order to read how others marched on successfully.
I’m not trying to do anything for the future, everyday is a day to learn, and get through!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wrong, I do need to start changing things for the future. Work, school, not sure yet, both.
Any thoughts on this crossroads we seem to be at - I think my H is withdrawing and starting to accept (1st stage of acceptance) he said this is his life and the flip, new attitude, is what he needs to continue on while dragging the disappointment with him like a cross.
I welcome the peace, the time, the continued commitment to financial support, but do I continue DBing or is there another step, a new phase, or keep doing what worked so far?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
We didn’t have them over so my mom shoved in my face about her friends they went to, they are perfect according to her. My mom said the day before that her wish for me is to get a D. I don’t need to hear her lack of understanding disappointment.
hiya - let that flow over you (if possible) it's awful to not have a motehr's support or understanding- some mothers just aren't that type. IT'S AKNACK and they don't have it.
my mom manages to have everyone in family hating each other alot of the time with her "stories" either of how great or how awful everyone is - in general- to her- about edch other- i don't even know. i can't even imagine she kn ows the havoc she wreaks - just says whatever pops into her head and never a thought about how it's received.
she's got the ole "it's your own fault" thing going on in life - across the board. she personally has not one flaw- but HER CHILDREN are allll responsible for their own troubles. I guess that maybe she is so fearful of being asked to be responsible to "help" anyone- that she hurrys up to tell you it's your own problem. what an awful way to make people feel- nevertheless- ... good ole mom
i am happy to report aftermany years of really hurt feelings and making me cry- now i expect the worst and am not surprised so much anymore - no matter what she says. good luck and sadly- your heart will scab up a bit with her in the end- but it will be a good thing probably. try to not let her make you feel bad. SHE PROBABLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND - much like my mom.
your H and the homeless - it's strange isn't it? all that compassion for others - wtf about you guys?
also- the stages thing- is that encouraging or wierd too? i'm not seeing distinct stages here. i always thought i was a gal with compassion- can it be tht i am soooo immersed in this betray and my own junk that i am totally unable tos ee what is going on here w/ h? or is nothign going on?
how do you feel about hinm apologizing gfor the hurt. i'd say it's something- at least an acknowledgement of the pain he's caused - i've never heard a word - don't think i am likely to ever hear an apology. it's funny how something soooo small - seems soo big to a guy like me, never hearing one single word of "reality" conversation.
I'd faint if this man ever said something like he's confused or "finding his way" or ANYTHING at all realistic about him and his confusion and the havoc he wreaks in my life/heart.
oh well- does it change at all how you feel? or is it "more of teh same"?
I'd also be very glad to here my h say he hated ow - even soem of the times. i have no cluein a million years what he feels. i saw what he said to her a yr ago- i still want to croak when i think of it- i stop myself. he finds it so easy to slather "love" around in e-mails and texts- cannot utter the words to me in person- i'm sure now dowsn't even want to- nevertheless - i'd take any kind of honest exchange of information-ideas from him. we go along on such a stupid and superficial level- oh well
continuing to "cure" here- harden up- get (i hope)m ore distant, etc.
he probably comes in any minute.
GLAD TO HEAR YOU feeling good and staying on your course. YOU ARE SOOOOO RITE- ABOUT EVERY DAY TO LEARN AND GET THRU
