Heather, You want to keep your response very simple. Go with "I'm sorry you feel that way". Don't put yourself in the hot seat because you aren't the problem. If you ask him what you do to make up for it, he may tell you something and then 2 hours later it won't be the right thing. Don't set yourself up for pretzeling! No matter what you do or don't do right now, it will never be the right thing w/him. He's grasping for straws and none of them will bring him the illusive happiness he's looking for. The last two questions are fixer questions and you don't want to fix him...he's broken, but not by your hand. He's got to fix himself.
I think maybe what's going on w/him right now w/the ow is an EA. EA's are harder to break than PA's because it is on the emotional level and just sitting around talking and doing things together does take their mind off of what they think is wrong w/their spouses, etc. She's most likely a f@ck buddy and they aren't looking at their relationship as an "affair", per se, but friends on a different level than we would consider them to be.
Listen to what he has to say and then sift through the garbage. Don't try to fix him his problems for him...because these are lessons he needs to learn all by his lonesome.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nope, it wouldn't make your life easier if you shot them both...you would end up in prison for a long time. LOL! They are not worth it.
You have choices and you are the only one that can make your life easier, i.e., stay on the crazy making train w/the pod person or start thinking about which station you want to get off at.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I'm Ok. Sorry, just been busy and H is still being nice? present? available? which really throws me and I guess I've been sorta digesting it all and I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Kids are OK. D18 being a snot but getting into colleges and her self-esteem is back on the rise. D10 is adjusting to another student and being a bit difficult because she seems to want my undivided attention 24/7 which I can't provide because I'm so depleted from being with kids all day. So, I need to take better care of myself and allow myself time away from her so I will be more present when I AM with Her.
Thinking of an exercise membership or even a stationary bike so I can easily get rid of some stress.
My earnings are awesome right now. I would've never guessed I would be in this position, this time last year. Truly a blessing. Need to get more organized with my book keeping though and begin to prepare for taxes. I'm feeling better about being a grown up and taking care of myself. Didn't think I could. But I am!
H
I'm so confused. Up until yesterday, I was sorta enjoying his change of heart and I believed he was being sincere when he told me he wasn't seeing OW and that he was going to his brother's to sleep. Yesterday, the shine wore off some and I began thinking about how many times he's lied to me. I also have a sense he is communicating with her again. In the last 24 hours have just had a "feeling" that she's in the picture somewhere. And, I'm not sure how to handle this.
My mother is frankly horrified that he is coming around again and being nice. She told me "Don't get hooked again. You've made so much progress." I think that got me. Plus, seeing H more reminds me of the many moods of Matt--never the same H twice. And, I hate going back to that feeling of being judged when he comes round--not sure where I stand.
PLUS, I'm so confused. Last week, he was really sick. He is still working three jobs--something he blames me for--and was really desperate a few times about not having a place to live and so forth and missing us. I, stupidly,did get hooked---it was just so nice to have him WANT to be around me for once. Anyway, I offered him a bed--but made it clear I would sleep elsewhere. I know. dumb. But, it's where I was at and I can't blame myself for it now. he didn't take me up on the offer-I'm grateful for that now. but, honestly, a part of me wanted to be with him and try and break through all this crap between us. Like he was sorta ripe for the plucking in his frame of mind ==I know I can't fix him though. Didn't break him. Thought about setting up some boundaries though--but didn't know what boundaries or how. Mainly with the OW.
Anyhow, immediately sensed --or thought I sensed--him pulliing away as I pursued, ugh. But, then, he sends this super nice text being all grateful for my kindness.
I guess the upshot of all this --is I'm completely baffled how to handle him now. I know I've moved back, somewhat, into pursuer mode and I do not want to go back there. ICK. I need to get right again. He threw me off completely with his sudden honesty about his desperation and unhappiness. Then, he seems like he's pulling away but he will ask to hug me, or say something that seems like he is genuinely trying to connect.
He started saying goodmorning again via text yesterday. I don't want to be played again. Do I ask if we are attempting to reconcile? Do I ask for clarity? Or is this too much pressure right now? He comes over but only stays for like an hour. He was honest the other day--said he couldn't do more right now. Felt like he was imposing, just not ready to stay longer. I accepted it, didn't pressure.
At the same time, I want to reach out because he has made it clear--over and over--how lonely he felt and that's why he went to OW--
sorta a Catch22. I reach out and try to be there and I'm a pursuer and push him away. I remain in the background and I'm not viewed as someone safe to open up to--WTF
AND--he actually told me that I gave him permission to sleep with her. Insists it was only in August they had sex --twice? Everyone rolls their eyes when I say this--want to believe, but I'm not sure what to believe.
Not even sure I want this guy. One week ago, he told our daughter he was with OW. Said he felt defensive. What?
IDK. There you have it.
That's the news from Lake W.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
After writing all this down. I think the thing that really bugs me about H right now is the vagueness.
He's always so vague when he is trying to take advantage of me and get away with something. He leaves big chunks of the truth out. In the past, I would pretend or believe what he was telling me was the whole truth although I would have a feeling he was pulling something over me.
Want to believe, but... He's doing it again. I can feel it. He does some good deeds and is congratulating himself and giving himself permission to be a d-bag again. Maybe?
Ever since he made that remark about me giving him permission about having sex with OW, I've wanted to speak up for myself. I think I need to. A 180 for me, in this situation, would be to not trust a single thing he says or does and keep him at a distance.
I went from that conversation about sex with OW to trying to be there for him when he was sick. I keep remembering how I'm supposed to be kind and supportive though because of the MLC pain he is in. But, don't want to be a doormat.
Clueless.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The OW is super hard. She looks hard. I'm always wishy-washy. I'm wondering if H has needed someone who is less of a doormat. I'm always, with him, awwwwwww, poor guy... he needs me. I want to fix it and make it better. Seems like he is responding more to me being strong and not taking any crap. And, he dishes out ALOT of crap.
Still thinking out loud. Early in our relationship, I wasn't doormat. Frankly, I felt better than him and didn't feel invested in him being with me. I think I just trusted he would always be there, like a puppy. But, something about that worked for us.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Feel like I'm entering a new phase of some sort here and I have no idea how to handle it.
And, as much as I hate to admit it, a part of me, after all we've been through in the past nine months, just wants to fall into H's arms--especially when I get these glimpses of the real him--and just want to be held, or even have se-, as horrible as it sounds. I'm tired and I want comfort and I'm tired and I am sick of handling all of this and I would love to just let it all go for one day. Take a vacation from all this MLC/depression/crap... Just wish I could say'' Hey, don't know what's going to happen here, but I need a break, just one evening or 24 hours of being a couple again-then go back to your craziness and leave me be. I just need a re-charge and some sorta connection with him to feel like I can keep going...I need recharged.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok. I think I let most of it out. Didn't realize all that was in there. First things first. Need to sleep. Enjoy my break from my students. Arrange a break from MY kids too. I will start there.
Thanks for listening. Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
