Yes, I'm Ok. Sorry, just been busy and H is still being nice? present? available? which really throws me and I guess I've been sorta digesting it all and I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Kids are OK. D18 being a snot but getting into colleges and her self-esteem is back on the rise. D10 is adjusting to another student and being a bit difficult because she seems to want my undivided attention 24/7 which I can't provide because I'm so depleted from being with kids all day. So, I need to take better care of myself and allow myself time away from her so I will be more present when I AM with Her.
Thinking of an exercise membership or even a stationary bike so I can easily get rid of some stress.
My earnings are awesome right now. I would've never guessed I would be in this position, this time last year. Truly a blessing. Need to get more organized with my book keeping though and begin to prepare for taxes. I'm feeling better about being a grown up and taking care of myself. Didn't think I could. But I am!
H
I'm so confused. Up until yesterday, I was sorta enjoying his change of heart and I believed he was being sincere when he told me he wasn't seeing OW and that he was going to his brother's to sleep. Yesterday, the shine wore off some and I began thinking about how many times he's lied to me. I also have a sense he is communicating with her again. In the last 24 hours have just had a "feeling" that she's in the picture somewhere. And, I'm not sure how to handle this.
My mother is frankly horrified that he is coming around again and being nice. She told me "Don't get hooked again. You've made so much progress." I think that got me. Plus, seeing H more reminds me of the many moods of Matt--never the same H twice. And, I hate going back to that feeling of being judged when he comes round--not sure where I stand.
PLUS, I'm so confused. Last week, he was really sick. He is still working three jobs--something he blames me for--and was really desperate a few times about not having a place to live and so forth and missing us. I, stupidly,did get hooked---it was just so nice to have him WANT to be around me for once. Anyway, I offered him a bed--but made it clear I would sleep elsewhere. I know. dumb. But, it's where I was at and I can't blame myself for it now. he didn't take me up on the offer-I'm grateful for that now. but, honestly, a part of me wanted to be with him and try and break through all this crap between us. Like he was sorta ripe for the plucking in his frame of mind ==I know I can't fix him though. Didn't break him. Thought about setting up some boundaries though--but didn't know what boundaries or how. Mainly with the OW.
Anyhow, immediately sensed --or thought I sensed--him pulliing away as I pursued, ugh. But, then, he sends this super nice text being all grateful for my kindness.
I guess the upshot of all this --is I'm completely baffled how to handle him now. I know I've moved back, somewhat, into pursuer mode and I do not want to go back there. ICK. I need to get right again. He threw me off completely with his sudden honesty about his desperation and unhappiness. Then, he seems like he's pulling away but he will ask to hug me, or say something that seems like he is genuinely trying to connect.
He started saying goodmorning again via text yesterday. I don't want to be played again. Do I ask if we are attempting to reconcile? Do I ask for clarity? Or is this too much pressure right now? He comes over but only stays for like an hour. He was honest the other day--said he couldn't do more right now. Felt like he was imposing, just not ready to stay longer. I accepted it, didn't pressure.
At the same time, I want to reach out because he has made it clear--over and over--how lonely he felt and that's why he went to OW--
sorta a Catch22. I reach out and try to be there and I'm a pursuer and push him away. I remain in the background and I'm not viewed as someone safe to open up to--WTF
AND--he actually told me that I gave him permission to sleep with her. Insists it was only in August they had sex --twice? Everyone rolls their eyes when I say this--want to believe, but I'm not sure what to believe.
Not even sure I want this guy. One week ago, he told our daughter he was with OW. Said he felt defensive. What?
IDK. There you have it.
That's the news from Lake W.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
