Tori and Busting- Thanks for stopping in. I just do not even discuss OW or anything. No point. I do not contact about anything any more. If he wants contact he knows how.
Tori- I did go see a L. Basically things are at a standstill. I really cannot afford the retainer right now. As far as child support basically the kids get SS from him. So, based on his income the child support would be less than their social security. In a nutshell, it is better to leave it as is. I am considered their payee though so it has always come to me- I just diverted the direct deposit from his account to mine. Easy Peasy!
He knows all of this. We went through and went over everything. As I said, he just now realized that he has almost nothing left after paying his bills. Maybe they can live on love. I dunno. As for me, I prefer creature comforts so I got a temp job through Christmas then will go back to school mid Jan and should finish by March 8th. All things considered, I feel like the $ is under control.
He has been giving me a wide birth and is "scared" of me and what I will do. Just more BS planted by OW to control. I just let it go. No point in arguing.
I have tried very hard to be nice and have basically accomplished that. I need to not ask any questions. That is my next thing to work on. NO QUESTIONS UNLESS IT RELATES to the kids!
Also, yes I want a new M but at the same time I am doing this for me. I actually feel better and more in control than I have in a long time. Also, it can get tedious trying to please someone else all the time.
I forgot to add- I find it ironic that he is the cheater but he "can't trust me" Ha! When that came out of his mouth I just said I am sorry you feel that way. I am not your enemy and never said another word. I was thinking he had gone to a cult or something and been brainwashed. It's almost scary how some of what he says is so incongruent to how things are.
Even S14 said - Dada (his pet name for H since he was a baby) believes things are one way but they aren't that way. It's a lie in his head. It's sad.
What do I even say to him? No idea. Better not to say anything I think.
Agree with Busting. Am trying to be NC about all and just kids and finances. Anytime I write about R or text he goes NC, so I have learned my lesson there!
I understand the dichotomy of going out and also thinking "ha." If there is a person on this board who did not have that thought, especially at the beginning of the process, I will eat my boots.
The trick is, one day, you will do activity and H will not even enter into the equation. But OP is right (wendy? Busting? Can't remember lol). Do not do it solely with the "look at me" in mind, simply because from a reinforcement point of view, it is unsustainable.
You are sounding good Melissa! Really good. I like it . You'll figure Thanksgiving out and you will be okay. I too have greatest anxiety when scheduled meetings etc. with H and he hasn't ever done anything to increase anxiety ( well except leave but hey :p), so you are not alone in the butterfly fest!
I forgot to add- I find it ironic that he is the cheater but he "can't trust me" Ha! When that came out of his mouth I just said I am sorry you feel that way. I am not your enemy and never said another word. I was thinking he had gone to a cult or something and been brainwashed. It's almost scary how some of what he says is so incongruent to how things are.
Even S14 said - Dada (his pet name for H since he was a baby) believes things are one way but they aren't that way. It's a lie in his head. It's sad.
What do I even say to him? No idea. Better not to say anything I think.
Nothing- zippo. Keep your mouth shut. He brings it up again, just say I can understand why you would feel that way. And leave, change subject etc.
Mine doesn't trust me either. That is quite precious. I just said "well, then I will let actions speak louder than words". Mine also gave reason for leaving and not trying as "life is too short..." Is there a phrase book I am unaware of lol?
I forgot to add- I find it ironic that he is the cheater but he "can't trust me" Ha!
It is indeed ironic but is extremely common. My W has a coworker whose H was cheating. He was so paranoid that SHE was cheating that he made HER go get tested for STD's! Seriously! And she did it! My jaw hit the floor when I found that out.
I forgot to add- I find it ironic that he is the cheater but he "can't trust me" Ha!
It is indeed ironic but is extremely common. My W has a coworker whose H was cheating. He was so paranoid that SHE was cheating that he made HER go get tested for STD's! Seriously! And she did it! My jaw hit the floor when I found that out.
OMG!! I would die. Although, I had thought if we ever get even close to reconciling I would ask him to as well.
Ruby if I find the handbook I would be happy to share. Maybe we should jokingly put together a thread. lol
My personal favorite is I have been miserable for 10 years. Nvm the fact that he had left and "begged" to come back around 4 yr ago. lol
Or the typical projecting - You never finish things! lol As I look around at about 10 different unfinished home projects.
lol They are nuts. I have never had "me" time when they have been completely self absorbed. lol
We will all be better off. Of course- the biggie - ILYBINILY We will always have a "connection" I can't trust you. Sure I can do that! - Right before they no show on you. lol
We will all be better off. Of course- the biggie - ILYBINILY We will always have a "connection" I can't trust you. Sure I can do that! - Right before they no show on you. lol
Melissa, that's a great start to the handbook.
Ones I've heard from my H: -I've never felt loved by you -Our R has never worked -You've wanted to mold me from Day 1 -Our children will be happier because we will be happier (once separated) -I've given up trying to get through to you -I've been too hurt
You really sound as if you're in such a good frame of mind, Melissa. I'm so impressed that you have your finances under control and a plan. I can't believe how different you sound today. Enjoy this more peaceful patch and maybe you can build on it. Hope you sleep better tonight.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Ohhhh. I forgot -- I'm numb. We're more like roommates. As they decide they don't wanna have sex. We don't have enough sex. Literally like 20 mins after we got done. You don't listen to me. Anytime I actually do listen then he changed to you hear listen but don't hear me. You don't even know me.
Yes, I am in a better frame of mind. I am a little irritated though. Finally tonight S14 told me H texts him every night and says goodnight which is good but he never does contact any of his 3 sisters. That makes me angry. Nothing I can do about it but it's just shitty. We did basketball. It was fun. Felt better than I had in a long time. :-) GAL ain't half bad. I did get angry tonight though. Basically, mad at one of the kids for not doing their chores. It just snowballed though. It wasn't the chore that was a big deal except that it impacted everyone in the house. Needless to say her chore was laundry and their BB clothes were in there. So it was a problem.
Oh and I forgot --You twist my words around. That's not what I said. See- you listen but you don't hear me. You are the problem. Ohhhhh and YOU are just like your mother!!!
lol. It's really almost comical how it evolves and morphs. Sometimes it seriously boggles my mind. It's like do you even realize the crap that just came out of your mouth? :-) What is even worse is the actually BELIEVE it!
So anyway, I am still in a pretty good frame of mind. Lots to be Thankful for on this upcoming Thanksgiving. My kids are all healthy and getting closer to happy. We have a home, food, and warm clothes. I'm healthy. Lots of laughs. And we can even be thankful for the crazy WAS that started all this. Heck without him I might have taken crap the rest of my life. I sorta feel like he cut me loose and did me a favor in some ways. But- today has been a good day. Tomorrow may be different.
. You'll figure Thanksgiving out and you will be okay. I too have greatest anxiety when scheduled meetings etc. with H and he hasn't ever done anything to increase anxiety ( well except leave but hey :p), so you are not alone in the butterfly fest!