I realized that I had to rediscover myself and my H and sometimes, work on blind faith that things will right itself.
Most people that come here are looking for concrete steps that they can take -- a PLAN -- to give them the best shot to recover their marriages. I suspect if we advised that they have "blind faith" they wouldn't get much value out of the forum.
Angel, the fact remains that you don't know what may have happened if you had let your husband know that IF he wanted to be a part of your life, that you needed full transparency (and perhaps two or three other boundaries that you might have tried to lay out and enforce). NONE of us will ever know what may have happened if we took either the stronger or the softer approaches in our sitches.
If "a" works, it doesn't necessarily follow the "b" wouldn't have. Perhaps "b" may have ALSO worked, and gotten you there much sooner (Denver himself wonders this sometimes). Or, maybe it would have backfired horribly. That's what DBing is all about -- "doing what works."
If you think transparency is about "control," then you don't understand the basic difference between "boundaries" and "ultimatums." Boundaries are for US -- they are what WE cannot abide, if our spouses want to remain in our circle. If you CAN abide those things (or perhaps tolerate them for a certain period of time, with no corresponding erosion of your emotional health), then great -- those weren't really dealbreakers for you.
We should only try to enforce those CORE things that are essential to our own integrity, and even then, all we can tell our spouses is "Hey, you do what you feel you need to do, but THIS is what I need from a spouse."
