Michelle, Yes, the account is in my name - he just put all of my accounts online and created usernames and passwords for them and didn't tell me.
I have rectified this now. Time-consuming (gotta love doing the phone banking thing) but has to be done.
Yes, you're right, too - at the moment he is not someone I want to be around. I miss him less and less. The idea of him as the husband i thought he was, and the idea of our happy family still haunts me... but that is not him now. So no point wanting him around. He just causes grief.
And the idea of one hour at a time really helped me. I've been thinking in terms of one day at a time, but that sometimes seems interminable. One hour might be do-able.
Be strong dear lady - and MichelleT gave great advice - just go change it. Doing that will just suddenly remove the whole issue from your radar, make you feel empowered and help you to focus on what you really need to focus on - you
You really are handling this amazingly.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You are in my thoughts everyday. I hope you are doing OK.
Would love to hear more but understand how hard it can be to post sometimes - I've been finding it difficult to think of anything worth contributing to others lately.
So, I am truly grateful to read your message of support.
I don't contact stbx except for very occasional kid or finance emergencies.
I see him fairly rarely now as he has stopped dropping in when he brings the kids home from school.
This has been for about 3 weeks now - with the exception of a mediation meeting last week (where I did break down in tears about my financial state).
I really feel much more detached from stbx these days and feel better about being on my own.
Then this afternoon, he drops S14 off and comes into the house. I am polite but make myself scarce.
H is also polite and stays for a bit to help S14 with homework. He leaves and says goodbye to me.
Then S14 tells me that, on the way home from school, his father insisted on showing him where he lives now (not far away from our house).
S14 said he didn't want to see and accused H of forcing him, but H said "bad luck' and drove him to OW's apartment. He stopped outside for a minute but S14 refused to look. S14 also told h that he would never go inside OW's house and that h could not make him.
(S14 has previously told H that he will not ride in OW's convertible that H often drives around in, and nor does he want to meet her when H takes him out anywhere.)
S14 has his big end-of-year exams starting tomorrow and H knows this.
Why would he do this - at all? and more specifically right now when it was so upsetting for S14?
I suppose it is all part of his plan to make us realise that he is serious and will never be coming back to us.
It seems a bit odd to force one's child to see the house where one is shacked up with one's mistress though, doesn't it?
My thought was that he might have been trying to bait me as I have been detaching more successfully.
If this is the case, I'd like to hear some views, because it shows me that I have been accomplishing my goals of NC and detachment in ways that even stbx can notice.
There is nothing more painful then watching some one hurt your kids. NOTHING.
But you need to use your H terrible behavior as an opportunity to teach and show your kids some life lessons.
You S14 is old enough to learn that things will not always go our and we have to be grateful for what we have and not what we don't have.
Your son does not have to do anything that he is uncomfortable with like enter your STBX house but you should guide your son through his grieving and let him know that everyone will be okay even though its not ideal.
No need to analyze why your H is trying to force your S into his apartment, your H is acting irrationally right now, no logical explanation
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
He is back to coming into the house each day after he drops the kids off from school. This will only be for 2 more days - as school stops for the long summer break. Don't know what he will do then....
He came over on the weekend when S14 and D16 asked him to help with exam revision.
I made myself scarce. We were in the midst of putting up the Xmas tree and decorations. He didn't comment.
He did help with a couple of things - the TV had 'lost' a couple of channels and we thought it might be the antenna had been dislogded in a recent storm. So H got up on the roof to have a look!!!!!
He also helped S14 shift our big-screen TV so that we could put up the (huge) Xmas tree.
Seems as long as the kids ask and not me, he is OK to help out.
He did drive up in OW's pathetic convertible however, so he still wants to push her in our faces. He didn't park in our driveway however, so that's something, I suppose. Parked it out on the street, which he would never do if he was driving our own car.
Kids said he gave them an extra long hug as he left tonight - and he even came into the office where I was working to say goodbye to me.
Interestingly, I received a note from my health insurance last week saying that H had had urology day surgery recently (he did tell the kids he was having an operation). Just goes to show the truth of the old 'believe nothing that they say rule'. He told me 15 months ago that he had taken himself off of our family plan. Right!
The scriptedness of this process continues to amaze me.
Ah, well... stbx responds to almost everything I do in one way or another.
He is SO focused on getting what he wants out of me (money).
We have had 2 sessions of mediation in the last month or so. Mediator got him to start contributing a small amount of money for the kids' upkeep. This has been occurring for the last 3 weeks.
At our last mediation session, we tried to make a next appointment, but there were limited times available prior to Xmas and the mediator was going on leave for 3 weeks in January. I was unable to attend at the few available times in December because of work commitments (I work full-time). Discussed this with stbx and he seemed alright with it.
Then I guess he told OW and the puppet master pulled his strings. I got the following email from him tonight:
"Hi (my name) Further to our conversation regarding the December mediation - I realise that this may be distressing for you. Without a settlement it may not be possible for me to continue to provide the same level of support. I ask you to reconsider your options for mediation. Thanks, stbx name"
Basically, I interpret this as him saying: If you do not agree to go to a mediation session before Xmas in Dec (and to the settlement proposal that involves you giving me half of your house and your superannuation), I will stop paying agreed child support.
