The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

Labug....I am planning on bringing this up with D's IC this week so that she can give D some advice. I am not going to mention it to H, as it will do no good.

I had a great time at the party last night..stayed out until 2:30am. I did miss H being there...it was tons of fun and like I said, all our friends together.

I did not spend a lot of time talking about H unless someone asked something, as some of the people there hadnt seen me in awhile. It was nice to hear so many times how great I looked from those who havent seen me in a couple months! Of course, I also have a bigger belly now...baby is growing like crazy! Tummy really popped out:)

So, one of H's (EX) good friends came up to me and let me know how great I looked. He is married to one of my great friends, but he hasnt seen my in awhile either...and he asked how I was doing. He also asked about my girls. I genuinely believe that he cares and he always has. He was the friend who really tried to talk to H when this first started and to give him advice. Anyway, he said that he has been thinking about me and that he wanted me to know that this OW is a drug to H. H is an addict and that the last time they went out together (which was in Sept) that he had a long talk with H and was telling him that he is making really bad choices. He told H that he was running away from his wife and kids. My H answered back with "Yeah, I know, but its a fix for me" so our friend said to H that he was going to run and run and then he will eventually crash and burn. That he will lose it all in the end and he asked H if he realized that and H responded "I know, but I NEED the fix". This friend told me last night, at that point, he decided that there was no reasoning with H and that he was set in his way.

Now, after thinking this morning about that, this conversation between H and friend happened one week before H came back and wanted things to work between us but wasnt willing to handle the 2 conditions I had put out there. (no alcohol, no woman from bars). I wonder if this friend did have a small impact on Hs thinking , but then again, H wasnt willing to go in 100%.

This friend also said that he has had no contact with H and that he not only walked away from his family, but that every decision he has made since he left has been bad.

D ended up having fun at the game with H but came over to the party for a few to say Hi to everyone. (she knows all these people too , of course) and mentioned that H made a comment while they were out (which she forgets) and then said to her , that it was just another part of his mid life crisis and laughed. He was teasing her, I guess, because she told him one time that he was having one. (out of her mouth, not mine and I have not discussed MLC with her!) She also said that when H dropped her off at the house, he, of course, saw all the cars at neighbors house and said "are they having a party" and she replied yes. He then said "they didnt invite me" and D said, well maybe if you were on better terms with mom they would have.

I dont know if he was serious, but honestly, I hope he got a stab of sadness knowing that he isnt part of that crowd right now since he has removed himself to far away. I really think that he and OW stay cooped up in her townhouse when he is there because I do know that he is not happy about showing his face much around town. It still makes me sick that he has to drive by our house to get to her house and that it doesnt bother him one bit.

Some of the older woman there know of OW pretty well and had some not so nice things to say about her again. I guess she has been around town with many boyfriends and they all say it will not last. I am having a hard time believing that it wont last.

I just dont get the theory...if he has me leaving him alone and not bothering him, he has OW, he is seeing his kids regularly and they are being mostly nice to him, and he is getting all his emotional needs met by OW, what in the world will make him wake up or change his mind or see what he has lost? I have read that the infatuation can turn to real love...especially if they only have each other and are meeting all each others needs.

I really really believe that he is sick and mentally disturbed right now. My mom says these are his true colors..and to move along..but I dont believe these are his true colors...how could he have faked it this long?

[Sweetbriar]

So, I have a few questions....

I know, I need to be concentrating on myself..but tomorrow is my 15 year anniversary and of course Thanksgiving on Thursday...having a hard time.

Is the affair like an addiction? My family member said she saw something on TV about it...and Im wondering if my H IS addicted to this OW? Especially since this is not something he was capable of before...

Also, Im in NC contact mode to help myself and break away, but I wont lie that I want him to miss me and his family too. The only thing is, the kids give him insight on what is going on with us...how will be ever miss us when he has them to rely on for information?

Lastly, I do not plan on acknowledging my anniversary tomorrow and know that he will not. This will hurt me deeply, as I assume after dinner with my kids tomorrow he will spend it with OW...our anniversary and he will be with her. This makes me sick. I just want to make sure that NOT saying anything is the right thing to do?

I did have to email his this morning to ask him to remove my bank account number from his paypal account. apparetnly, its still attached and I PAID FOR THE BASKETBALL TICKETS FROM SATRUDAY WHEN HE TOOK MY DAUGHTER!! I only have so much money, so I just kindly asked if he could remove my account and add the fund into the check he gives me at the end of the month. I figure this contact was acceptable.

He did respond, Whoops, I will do that and then proceeded to ask about our Visa account...

I know there are no answers or guarantees...but I just hate this attachement he has to this OW and how he things things are better with her. I just want him to wake up:(

[bustingout]

SB-I don't think you should contact him tomorrow. This is for you. Protect yourself now. And do something for YOU.


Thinking of you ((((( )))))

[AnotherStander]

Is the affair like an addiction? My family member said she saw something on TV about it...and Im wondering if my H IS addicted to this OW?

If you don't mind it would be helpful to many of us if you could add a "signature" below your posts with your sitch to remind us of how long this has been going on. How long has H been with OW? He may be codependent which is sort of an addiction. Similar issues.

The only thing is, the kids give him insight on what is going on with us...how will be ever miss us when he has them to rely on for information?

What he will hopefully some day begin to miss is the time he spent with you. Meaningful conversations, doing things together, doing things with the kids, reminiscing about things you've done together. Raw information is not going to have any impact on whether he misses you or not. What he'll (hopefully) miss is the emotional connection.

Lastly, I do not plan on acknowledging my anniversary tomorrow and know that he will not. This will hurt me deeply, as I assume after dinner with my kids tomorrow he will spend it with OW...our anniversary and he will be with her. This makes me sick. I just want to make sure that NOT saying anything is the right thing to do?

In your sitch it sounds like it's the right thing to do. In my sitch I asked my W if she wanted to ignore it or what. She said she was confused about what to do, so I suggested dinner and she agreed. And we did have a very nice dinner together. But each sitch is unique.

I figure this contact was acceptable.

Absolutely. Anything kid-related or financially related should for sure be discussed.

I just want him to wake up

And maybe he will. But you don't know when, and you can't wait around for it to happen. It's like watching grass grow. Stand there and watch it and you see nothing happen. Go away for a while and come back and you see the difference. Work on yourself and leave him to his sitch.

[AnotherStander]

If you don't know how to add a signature, go to "My Stuff" at the top of the page, then "Edit Profile". Type your info in under "Signature", then hit the "Submit" button. Your signature will show up under all posts (past, present, future).

[Sweetbriar]

Busting, thank for advice and hugs!

AS..thanks for the signature info. I have been meaning and wanting to do that!

H met OW in March and has been off and on with her this whole time, but is now pretty hot and heavy with her. Stays at her house a lot on weekends as of recently, but was asking to come home as early as 9 weeks ago. (but I dont believe he was really ready or wanting to) He moved out in Aug 12. I know this isnt long ago in the grand scheme of things, but it seems like its been forever for me. Seems like H and OW are just getting closer and spending more time together.

Its hard to think that he will ever remember the emotional connection we once had, because he has rewritten our marriage to be awful and horrible. He doesnt think he had a emotional connection like does with OW. He even told me once that we never had a honeymoon phase like I guess they do.

He emailed me back today about the money and mentioned that he knew I had an iphone and how "classy" I was to get a great phone but not want to pay for our kids expensive phones.

Nothing but mean and negative all the time. He would never have treated me so badly. He just thinks that everything he is feeling is at the hands and mind of me. (He actually said that to me) I deserve better treatment and I'm so sad and crying this afternoon because of the way he treats me. Couldn't he at least be somewhat nice?

I asked this before but didnt get any answers...I just dont get the theory...if he has me leaving him alone and not bothering him, he has OW, he is seeing his kids regularly and they are being mostly nice to him, and he is getting all his emotional needs met by OW, what in the world will make him wake up or change his mind or see what he has lost?

I have read that the infatuation can turn to real love...especially if they only have each other and are meeting all each others needs:(

Thanks for the advice on anniversary...Dont think that its a good idea for my to even acknowledge it at this point in our relationship:( 15 years...and its all down the drain for some OW:(

[AnotherStander]

AS..thanks for the signature info. I have been meaning and wanting to do that!

Thanks for posting it, it helps me to remember who is who when I can read the sigs

H met OW in March and has been off and on with her this whole time, but is now pretty hot and heavy with her.

I've never seen an on and off R that stood the test of time.

Its hard to think that he will ever remember the emotional connection we once had, because he has rewritten our marriage to be awful and horrible.

There are a few WAW's that have posted here over the years. I remember one saying all she could remember about her M were terrible things, she literally could not think of a single good thing that had ever happened. Then she said the "fog lifted" and it happened practically overnight. Suddenly she couldn't remember anything but the good things about her M. So you never know what will happen. The human brain is an odd and complex thing.

I deserve better treatment and I'm so sad and crying this afternoon because of the way he treats me. Couldn't he at least be somewhat nice?

Yes he could. I really don't have much sympathy for a scumbag that ditches his pregnant W for a fling and then treats her like dirt. He has serious problems and he will not be able to escape the kind of bad karma he's spreading around. But please understand, HE is the problem, not YOU.

I asked this before but didnt get any answers...I just dont get the theory...if he has me leaving him alone and not bothering him, he has OW, he is seeing his kids regularly and they are being mostly nice to him, and he is getting all his emotional needs met by OW, what in the world will make him wake up or change his mind or see what he has lost?

What will make him wake up is when he realizes one day that he got everything he wanted and is STILL not happy. He can hardly keep blaming the unhappiness on you if you've gone dark and are not even in his life anymore. At that point he is going to have to face his demons. He will emerge a different person. Whether he wants to reconcile at that point is hard to say, but he may. But you may very well have moved on by then.

[Accuray]

Is the affair like an addiction? My family member said she saw something on TV about it...and Im wondering if my H IS addicted to this OW? Especially since this is not something he was capable of before...

An affair *is* an addiction, it is not like an addiction. When you "fall in love" with someone, there are chemical changes that happen in your brain. You are giving up control and you get a high from that sense of risk-taking. Evolution has also introduced a brain chemical reaction where when have that "falling in love" feeling, you have diminished capacity for rational thought and tend to put your partner on a pedestal. This is to help continue the species. If everyone was defensive and overly cautious before getting involved with someone, no one would reproduce.

H is addicted to those chemicals and that feeling versus being addicted to OW. The challenge with MLC is that people convince themselves that a perpetual state of "in love" is how they are supposed to feel, and therefore if that feeling fades with OW, he may pursue it with a different OW until he figures out that it's not sustainable.

I asked this before but didnt get any answers...I just dont get the theory...if he has me leaving him alone and not bothering him, he has OW, he is seeing his kids regularly and they are being mostly nice to him, and he is getting all his emotional needs met by OW, what in the world will make him wake up or change his mind or see what he has lost?

I don't know what theory you're referring to. The fact is that you can't make him see what he has lost by pursuing him. There is *nothing* you can do to make him see anything. There is no guarantee that he will ever wake up and change his mind or see what he has lost. The first challenge for you is coming to terms with that, surrendering to it, and accepting it versus continuing to fight it.

Now, with regard to "getting him back" eventually, there is a theory there. The theory goes like this. Your H believes:

• That he knows everything there is to know about you
• That whatever he didn't like about you in the past will never change
• That you are incapable or unwilling to meet his needs the way he needs them met and/or that you can never be satisfied with what he brings to the table (really the same thing)
• That the marriage the two of you had is not something he wants to "go back to"
• That you will continue to want him back, and will wait patiently and can be seen as an insurance policy for him if things don't work out
• That his actions have made you very hurt and upset, and that future contact with you will continue to make him feel guilty and punished for what he has done

The theory that I think you're referring to is that if you continue to support and reinforce these beliefs he holds through your words and actions, then he will never come back, because he'll just be stepping back into something that he painfully concluded did not work for him.

Therefore, if you want to set the stage to get him back, you need to prove to him through action that his beliefs are incorrect.

If he thinks he knows everything there is to know about you, you need to change things up. Change your hair color or hair style, start dressing differently, start doing new things, get in better shape, make him question if he knows you at all. This is supported by "Get a Life" or GAL in DB.

If he thinks that you can't or won't change, you need to prove to him that you have changed -- this is doing a 180 on the things about you that caused problems in your marriage. If you used to nag, and you make it a point to never nag about anything again, he's not going to believe that change is real for a significant period of time. It takes time, repetition, and consistency to *train* him that you have changed. This is the DB practice of "180".

Finally, you need to avoid shaming him, acting as if he is upsetting you, complaining to or about him, etc. etc. This removes the black cloud hanging over your head and makes you approachable again. This is "act as if" in the DB program.

Referring back to the prior list, if you can do these things effectively and consistently:

• He will see that you are dressing differently, acting differently and doing new things he didn't expect. He will question if he knows all there is to know about you after all.
• He will believe that you have changed for the better, and that a future life with you need not be a repeat of your history
• That because of what you have to offer, he is interested in meeting your needs and having his needs met, and he believes you can and will do it.
• That a future marriage to you has a new starting line, and does not need to be saddled with the baggage of the past
• That if he does not pursue you, that you will not wait around for him. That you are attractive and valuable, and someone else will gladly step in to take his place.
• That although his actions hurt you, you understand him, and will not hold his mistakes over his head for ever after, bringing them up every time you argue. That you are capable of true forgiveness and are willing to offer it.

That's the theory, but it is not guaranteed to work. The belief here is that anything else is guaranteed to fail, so this is the least worst alternative in a bad situation.

Personally, I think the best thing about it is that if you execute it well, you've done a lot of personal growth and have overcome personal issues that would have bothered anyone eventually. If you can do that, your self-confidence will improve, you will *know* you are a prize to be won, and therefore you go forward into your next relationship in a position of strength.

So either you get him back and come out a better person, or you don't get him back and come out a better person. There's really no way to lose there.

Accuray

[NLW]

Wow, Acc

Another pure gold post.
Thank you for this.
NLW

[littleGTO]

I agree-great post Accuray!

SweetBriar, you are a valuable person & deserve to be treated like a little pregnant queen right now. YOu are amazingly STRONG.

I believe he is being mean to you b/c his guilt & knowledge of wrong-doing MAKES him act this way so his actions can be validated....if you are "the bad guy" then it makes it okay for him to treat you like crap. Therefore, he feels it is the only way that will allow him to continue this A w OW & it be okay.

Hang in there. Lots of hugs!!!!