Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

You guys are great. Thank you so much. I don't know anywhere else where I can put out a problem/question and get so much wise advice back so quickly. Thank you Melissa and Regretful for sharing your experiences with secretive eating. It makes H seem like less of a freak knowing that others do it too and I think your approaches make lots of sense.

I won't bring up the topic of the hidden ice-cream. I do think I might encourage him to have a dessert next time we're out and I will stock up on the ice-cream he likes (since I now know his favourite!)

Don't monitor or mention anything about his intake, cut him loose! Do this and he WILL at least stop the sneaking.

I'd love to at least stop the sneaking. He still sneaks when the food is in the house but it's better than lying about why he's popping out for.

More importantly, don't forget that your first goal here is to improve the marriage. Helping him correct his eating disorders can always come later.

That's a great reminder, FY. First things first.

Is any particular action bringing you closer together or driving you apart?

Good question, FY.

Right now H is at a party for the 15th anniversary of S13's school. H is a trustee/governor and I wasn't invited so that wasn't an issue. He went looking smart but unshaven (supposedly so that he has a moustache in time for Saturday's party). Normally, I would have teased H about looking like a homeless person and said that he could just wear a fake moustache on Sat or not bother with the moustache requirement. I said nothing ab him being so unshaven but complimented him on his clothes. My saying nothing about touchy topics seems to be what's making the biggest difference for now. My not expressing strong opinions also seems to be helping. He likes my not asking for too much information. He has often complained about him being in the spotlight and me being to focused on him. He likes not to be accountable for his actions and words. He hates it if I hold him to something he's said. He's told me not to take what he says seriously. We traditionally get into arguments because I say that that is crazy-making.

H just texted me from the party to say that a senior guy we know from the school told him he looks like somebody's foreign minister. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. I just texted back' x' Now he's texted again saying 'I think he has the hots for me.' It's obviously some joke since the guy in question would not have the hots for H. He's married with kids. Now, I noticed that he's sent me a joke email. He's just bought himself a mini-ipad and I think he uses it everywhere. He can't be without his electronic gadgets for long.

When the heating engineer and I were in H's study today, I spotted some books on top of the water tank. Years ago, when I last spotted books on the water tank they were about how how best to prepare kids for D! I couldn't resist looking at one of them and it was about the Holocaust. I didn't dare look at the other two. Who knows what they could be about. His mother's ashes are still in his cupboard eight years on. I'm always a bit embarrassed to carry out the urn when someone needs to check the boiler. (The boiler is behind shelves in H's study).

Last night, H got into a really heated debate with D15 and S17 about the sitch in Gaza (started by the children). He immediately took them not agreeing with his position personally and he ended up storming into his study after several dismissive hand gestures. D15 said "I take that to be a victory". I tried to stay out of it because it annoyed me that H was so emotional and bad at arguing his case. He just kept dismissing them and their points and looking irritated without presenting his own evidence to support Israel. All I said was "Don't go into debating, you take it all very personally". After that, I zipped my lips. I'm sure that wasn't good DBing but it was a lot better than what I could have done which was lecture him on how bad he is at dealing with anyone who does not share his views. He is useless at arguing/debating. I remember him taking offence years ago when I felt differently from the way he felt about a movie we'd seen. I've often told him that he should have married a woman with no opinions. I don't know why he chose me because he seems so threatened by the fact that I have a brain.

He abandoned his PhD whereas I got mine from a prestigious uni. He likes it and hates it at the same time. As time as gone on, I think he hates it more than he likes it. He loves to put me down when he can so is very quick to jump on me if I get some fact wrong. His general knowledge is much better than mine and I don't claim any superiority but it bugs me that he is so keen to point out when I make a mistake and so crap at being corrected himself.

Here I go into a rant again. Here are some positives about H:

-His general knowledge is fantastic
-He is v musical
-He is crazy about the kids
-He gives me lots of space and is not in the slightest bit intrusive
-He takes an interest in my family (he only has one cousin since no one else in his family escaped the war and both his parents are dead. He does have one half-brother who isn't keen on contact with H because H was his dad's OW's son.)
-He is helpful with my dad (with Alzheimer's) and is very open to doing AofS for my extended family
-He is adventurous and curious
-He used to be v tender with me and still is with the kids
-He performs lots of AofS for the kids. He will drive them anywhere at any time of day or night (if given enough notice)


H has just texted me a photo of S13 that he took a few days ago. God knows what he's doing at this party?! Typically, he's doing something else other than what he's meant to be doing. I guess I shouldn't complain because he's getting in touch with me.

Anyway, it's nice having more time because he's out. The thing is, Tori, that I really don't like parties much at all. I figure that if H prefers me not to be there and if I don't like them is there any point me going? I don't think POW will be there anyway as she's not from that group and I'm invited. POW has either really gone underground or he's not communicating as much with her. I really don't know but there has been no mention of her since Aug 13 when he took her to the theatre and swore that nothing was going on.

Sorry for this long stream of consciousness on my part. Hope there are useful bits to pick up on!