Heavy Lifting Solo

[Denver_2010]

Hmmmm...

Have you thought about 'No OM whatsoever' as your boundary?

Yep....thought about it and even told her a few months ago that I would not be in a M where he was involved in any shape or form. She works with him so went on and on about not being able to disengage completely overnight, to which I said "Yes, I understand that, but you can start working on a plan to disengage from him over the next few months."

If I allow myself to mind read, I would say in her mind she knows it's a no-go for me, but since she hasn't committed to our M, she doesn't have to abide by it. And I think she sees it as me trying to control the situation, which is an issue of hers (rightfully so given my past behavior).

I don't know if you are familiar with my sitch at all, but some of this sounds familiar.

My W and I had a couple of different periods during our S that last months at a time, where she would was working on trying to get to a point where she could commit to the M. Her reasons for not being able to get to that point were that she held on to anger from the past, she was unable to forgive me for certain things, that she was afraid of things going back to the way that they were, and, for a part of this time, that she didn't believe that I had truly changed.

BUT, I now believe, in hindsight, that although there was some of all of the above, the number one thing keeping my W from being able to commit to working on our M was the fact that OM was still there, in the background.

Even though W was not 'dating' or seeing OM socially during these times, she still saw him on gigs (w is a singer and OM play the stupid trumpet) on occasion. She knew how he felt about her, ie, that he was supposedly in love with her. And she viewed him as an alternative to me for the possibility for a happy life and NOT being alone. Of course my W said she was capable of seeing OM on occasion and still work towards fixing us, but...

I can now see why all of THIS prevented my W from doing what was necessary to forgive me, to move on from the past, to take a risk that our lives would not go back to what they were before, from making the decision to love me, and, ultimately, from making a definitive decision to work on the M and do the 'heavy lifting' with me that is necessary.

In other words, why did she have to do all of those things that are/were hard for her when she had this alternative waiting for her? Why actually choose to do something that is hard and scary when she didn't have to choose anything?

It wasn't until I took me out of the equation as an option that something snapped with her.

She has since said that what I did in May caused her "to wake up to what [she] was doing". IMO, it caused her to finally see that she HAD TO DO SOMETHING... to WORK at this.

I hate to say this, but my guess is that nothing in your sitch is going to change as long as OM is in your W's life at all. Just like my W, I'm sure that she believes that she can solve this while still having OM in her life. I used to believe that was possible. I don't anymore.

I highly suggest reading the book 'surviving the affair' if you haven't. If I am recalling correctly, that is where i read that sometimes, it is even necessary for couples who have gone through infidelity to move away from the OM/OW to a different city or town. The bond can be THAT hard to break. I know that this is the book where I read about "Plan A and Plan B".

Don't know if you are familiar with the "Plan A/Plan B" philosophy, but a brief synopsis:

Plan A - Get along with cheating spouse, show them legit changes, don't rock the boat, be kind and loving, be the person that the cheating spouse fell in love with... essentially be the rock... the lighthouse home.

Plan B - Take all of that away from the cheating spouse. No contact except for "bills and boys" as J3B coined it.

I will also point out for those reading this that Plan B does NOT require threatening or filing for divorce. It is removing yourself from the equation, allowing yourself to live your life without spouse, and forcing your spouse to live their life without you.

I haven't read your story Breakdown, so I apologize if any of this is off base, but your sitch, just like mine, sounds like basic "Plan A/Plan B" stuff. You, like me, have gone a long time in Plan A... the question is at what point do you move to Plan B.