Is the affair like an addiction? My family member said she saw something on TV about it...and Im wondering if my H IS addicted to this OW? Especially since this is not something he was capable of before...
An affair *is* an addiction, it is not like an addiction. When you "fall in love" with someone, there are chemical changes that happen in your brain. You are giving up control and you get a high from that sense of risk-taking. Evolution has also introduced a brain chemical reaction where when have that "falling in love" feeling, you have diminished capacity for rational thought and tend to put your partner on a pedestal. This is to help continue the species. If everyone was defensive and overly cautious before getting involved with someone, no one would reproduce.
H is addicted to those chemicals and that feeling versus being addicted to OW. The challenge with MLC is that people convince themselves that a perpetual state of "in love" is how they are supposed to feel, and therefore if that feeling fades with OW, he may pursue it with a different OW until he figures out that it's not sustainable.
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
I asked this before but didnt get any answers...I just dont get the theory...if he has me leaving him alone and not bothering him, he has OW, he is seeing his kids regularly and they are being mostly nice to him, and he is getting all his emotional needs met by OW, what in the world will make him wake up or change his mind or see what he has lost?
I don't know what theory you're referring to. The fact is that you can't make him see what he has lost by pursuing him. There is *nothing* you can do to make him see anything. There is no guarantee that he will ever wake up and change his mind or see what he has lost. The first challenge for you is coming to terms with that, surrendering to it, and accepting it versus continuing to fight it.
Now, with regard to "getting him back" eventually, there is a theory there. The theory goes like this. Your H believes:
That he knows everything there is to know about you
That whatever he didn't like about you in the past will never change
That you are incapable or unwilling to meet his needs the way he needs them met and/or that you can never be satisfied with what he brings to the table (really the same thing)
That the marriage the two of you had is not something he wants to "go back to"
That you will continue to want him back, and will wait patiently and can be seen as an insurance policy for him if things don't work out
That his actions have made you very hurt and upset, and that future contact with you will continue to make him feel guilty and punished for what he has done
The theory that I think you're referring to is that if you continue to support and reinforce these beliefs he holds through your words and actions, then he will never come back, because he'll just be stepping back into something that he painfully concluded did not work for him.
Therefore, if you want to set the stage to get him back, you need to prove to him through action that his beliefs are incorrect.
If he thinks he knows everything there is to know about you, you need to change things up. Change your hair color or hair style, start dressing differently, start doing new things, get in better shape, make him question if he knows you at all. This is supported by "Get a Life" or GAL in DB.
If he thinks that you can't or won't change, you need to prove to him that you have changed -- this is doing a 180 on the things about you that caused problems in your marriage. If you used to nag, and you make it a point to never nag about anything again, he's not going to believe that change is real for a significant period of time. It takes time, repetition, and consistency to *train* him that you have changed. This is the DB practice of "180".
Finally, you need to avoid shaming him, acting as if he is upsetting you, complaining to or about him, etc. etc. This removes the black cloud hanging over your head and makes you approachable again. This is "act as if" in the DB program.
Referring back to the prior list, if you can do these things effectively and consistently:
He will see that you are dressing differently, acting differently and doing new things he didn't expect. He will question if he knows all there is to know about you after all.
He will believe that you have changed for the better, and that a future life with you need not be a repeat of your history
That because of what you have to offer, he is interested in meeting your needs and having his needs met, and he believes you can and will do it.
That a future marriage to you has a new starting line, and does not need to be saddled with the baggage of the past
That if he does not pursue you, that you will not wait around for him. That you are attractive and valuable, and someone else will gladly step in to take his place.
That although his actions hurt you, you understand him, and will not hold his mistakes over his head for ever after, bringing them up every time you argue. That you are capable of true forgiveness and are willing to offer it.
That's the theory, but it is not guaranteed to work. The belief here is that anything else is guaranteed to fail, so this is the least worst alternative in a bad situation.
Personally, I think the best thing about it is that if you execute it well, you've done a lot of personal growth and have overcome personal issues that would have bothered anyone eventually. If you can do that, your self-confidence will improve, you will *know* you are a prize to be won, and therefore you go forward into your next relationship in a position of strength.
So either you get him back and come out a better person, or you don't get him back and come out a better person. There's really no way to lose there.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
