Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

This morning was a series of bad communication. It seemed no matter what I said, she took it the wrong way. I had the best of intentions but everything came across wrong.

That's where the alcohol happy place leaves you, hungover and crabby.

Don't blame yourself.

Very true, Labug. I won't take full responsibility for the poor communication. I know some fault lies with me for harboring resentment, but not all fault.

[ThisDayForward]

There is a book I read called "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie. Pretty good read. Hope all is well.

[someguy1233]

SG my W doesn't wear her rings at all. She took them off about a year ago. Like you it bothered me at first but after some time it didn't. Look at like this bud. You are still married your W is still in the house you two share the same bed she opens up to you and she still touches you so don't focus on the negatives. Many people here would love to be in your position.

Thanks, Leo. I guess it could always get worse... I need to remind myself to take advantage of the fact that she's still in the same house and continue being a strong person.

My W and I haven't ML in a year and at first it killed me but after a few months I got used to it and now Im not focused on that at all. Heck you and your W still hang out at places occasionally. So you see that's another positive. I bet if you sat down and wrote a list of positives and negatives you would see the positive things outweigh the negative things.

I know you hate the uncertainty we all do but I bet if you turn your attention to the good going on and build on them things will work out. I really believe you can do this she has not completely shut you out. Create a little mystery about yourself that will make her wonder about you it even says so in DR. I've told you before and I still believe your W is checking to see if YOU are still interested in her.

I haven't read many stories on here where the WAS was asking how the LBS was feeling towards them.

Not ML is really difficult as well. We're moving in on two months... I haven't had that issue since my teenage years!

I try to create mystery but she always digs into my whereabouts. As mentioned earlier, she gets frustrated if I don't share the details of where I've been or what I plan to do. I don't know how to create that mystery without upsetting her.

Neither of us could comfortably afford the house on our own. If we split, it will be sold. We both make about about the same so alimony isn't much of an issue.

I guess I'm afraid to talk about what I think things could be like if we split. I want her to do that hard work. She can come up with the ideas and a plan. Maybe I'm being shortsighted, but I don't see the advantage of helping her figure out how to split.

Don't be afraid to talk about what things would be like if split because right now at is is "IF". You really aren't helping her figure out how to split all you would be doing is merely presenting the facts. Let's face it the reality is "if" you were to split you would sell the house and you would pay support for your children. I would be hard pressed to believe that you would financially support her correct? Your obligations to her at that point would be over right? That was how I presented it to my W when she told me what she wanted I just gave her the facts. Made her really mad at me but hey if she wants to end things why should you or I still support our ex's financially.

If we were to get divorced, we'd most likely split custody 50/50. We had a brief conversation closer to BD. W has the earning potential to make more money than me and has in the past. It's very possible that she would end up paying me child support depending on her employment.

That's true, Leo. She is at least somewhat open. I know she has her secrets (possible OM). But she does what to have occasional conversations with me, so perhaps that's a good thing.

Nothing you can do about that you stumbled upon something you weren't supposed to see and you aren't seeing any evidence of an A are you? You were through that before like me and I think you know that if something was going on your "gut" would tell you. Trust your instincts they are usually correct. I don't know about you but when a S is involved in an A it's almost like you can feel it in the air when they are around. At least that's how it felt to me.

My gut tells me there is an EA at a minimum. The secretive behavior with her cell phone, long nights out, and cell phone records support my suspicions. I haven't broached the subject with W since the suspected OM is in the process of relocating halfway across the country. I'm not naive enough to think it couldn't continue, but the physical distance may eventually help my sitch.

[leopoldstotch]

Yesterday W said she was going out after work with an old friend from highschool that was in town for Thanksgiving. She said she wouldn’t be out too late. Again, she came home late… 11:30 this time.

When she got home it was clear that she had plenty to drink. She wasn’t falling over drunk, but was in that alcohol induced happy place. She got into bed and once she realized I had woke she wanted to tell me all about her night and what bars they went to. She told me about some of the conversations they had. I tried to engage the best I could, but having been asleep for 1.5 hours, I was struggling to be a good conversationalist. She seemed to have had a great time and really wanted to share it with me. At the end of the conversation she said with a chipper tone, “I love you, SomeGuy.” I replied, “Love you too.” She rolled over and went to sleep.

SG she could have just as easily came home slept on the couch or crawled into bed without saying a word to you and you got an I Love You!

This morning was a series of bad communication. It seemed no matter what I said, she took it the wrong way. I had the best of intentions but everything came across wrong.

I agree with labug your W was probably hung over. Don't let her misinterpretations get to you. Shrug it off and move on.

I think it was my resentment that caused the poor communication. I woke up bitter, angry, and lonely. I long for the days when there was someone that cared to hear about MY day. She’ll ask, “How’s it going?” or “How was your day?” occasionally. But it seems to just be a formality. She doesn’t actively listen when I respond.

That's because at this time it's all about her. Remember SHE is the WAS. Put aside those feelings the best you can and don't let her see them. Your focus is to be a man only a fool would leave. If it's just a formality as you say, then all you have to do is simple answers you don't have to go into a dissertation about your day. There will come a time when she will actively listen.

I mentioned in passing, “I have plans tonight at 7:00.”
She responded, “Sounds good. What are you going to do?”
I replied, “Going out.”
She responded with frustration, “oooooohhhh kaaaaay. You drive me nuts.”

I know I’m supposed to create some mystery. But every time I go out or do anything she asks what I have planned or where I’ve been. She gets annoyed if I don’t divulge the details. Do you all think I should be more forthcoming in the details of my plans?

Does your W divulge all the details as to her plans? It sounds to me like she does and if that is the case then I think you should do the same. If she doesn't then I wouldn't always tell her the details and if she doesn't like it well that's for her to deal with. Yes you should be creating a little mystery about yourself. Not answering her phones calls as soon as you see it's her and the same goes for texts. Out of the blue just go out for a drive at night for a little while by yourself. I'd bet she would ask where you are going and she would wonder what you are doing. Be spontaneous because I think you are so locked into a routine she could set her watch by you. I know you like your sleep but go out during the week like she does it will probably shock her. She will be thinking what's going on with him? I've often wondered if some of the things that Michelle suggests we do in the book to create mystery about ourselves is not only to show our S that we are fine without them which can make them have doubts about their feelings but also to make them think that they could be losing us to someone else. That thought could be a byproduct of us acting as if life is moving on.

[ThisDayForward]

Funny thing about mystery post here. Last week I wrote on calendar DR. 7 PM. My W questioned this til she was blue in the face. She did not believe Dr's met with clients at that hour. That was my first awakening to mystery. Funny thing is my WAS is the one creating mystery. Going out etc. If you think about it the WAS applies MWD principals without any thought or effort. They detach, they go out, they create mystery, etc..

[someguy1233]

I know I’m supposed to create some mystery. But every time I go out or do anything she asks what I have planned or where I’ve been. She gets annoyed if I don’t divulge the details. Do you all think I should be more forthcoming in the details of my plans?

Does your W divulge all the details as to her plans? It sounds to me like she does and if that is the case then I think you should do the same. If she doesn't then I wouldn't always tell her the details and if she doesn't like it well that's for her to deal with. Yes you should be creating a little mystery about yourself. Not answering her phones calls as soon as you see it's her and the same goes for texts. Out of the blue just go out for a drive at night for a little while by yourself. I'd bet she would ask where you are going and she would wonder what you are doing. Be spontaneous because I think you are so locked into a routine she could set her watch by you. I know you like your sleep but go out during the week like she does it will probably shock her. She will be thinking what's going on with him? I've often wondered if some of the things that Michelle suggests we do in the book to create mystery about ourselves is not only to show our S that we are fine without them which can make them have doubts about their feelings but also to make them think that they could be losing us to someone else. That thought could be a byproduct of us acting as if life is moving on.

She'll give me a vague idea of what she's doing. She'll just say, "I'm going to a happy hour." She doesn't divulge any further details, and I don't ask. One of my 180s is to not ask who/what/where/when as I used to make her feel guilty for going out.

Perhaps I'll continue to go out and let her know where I'm going, but keep my timing unpredictable? I don't know..

[MrBond]

" She'll just say, "I'm going to a happy hour." She doesn't divulge any further details"

Then that's what you should do.

[leopoldstotch]

I agree with Mr Bond. You tell her I'm going to the bar or whatever but nothing more no details. I know it sounds tit for tat but she doesn't give you the common decency to tell you her detailed plans then she dosent deserve it from you. Will she be pissed, probably but that's her problem not yours. Your W can't have it both ways.

[JuneReN]

" She'll just say, "I'm going to a happy hour." She doesn't divulge any further details"

Then that's what you should do.

^^^^
She does not get to cake eat here.

[someguy1233]

Well I went out last night... GAL!

As I left the house W said, "Have fun!" It's the same thing I cheerfully say to her every time she leaves.

I had a good time. Unfortunately I'm paying for it today. I'm exhausted. I HATE missing sleep. I feel like I'm in a fog.

I can't figure out how to get rid of the anger and resentment towards W. I hadn't felt it for a couple weeks, but these last few days have been really tough. I'm so angry... I'm tired of limbo-land where she can do whatever she wants.