So brief recap I guess is needed. H and I M for 14 yr. R for 18. 4 kids. We split once before with OW. That was the end of 06 and beginning of 07. H has severe depression. He left in Sept. to try to "get his head together" Within a month he was back with XW and had moved her in the first of Nov. Believes he is back with his one true love. For many reasons, I'm not buying this but I am afraid he will get himself in so deep that he won't feel like he can get out. They were M for 10 years or so before we met. He actually was married again in between she and I. But apparently they tried to reconcile about the time we met. I should also add I believe she is married to someone else still. I know she was, but was separated.
So in a nutshell, he came to see the kids on Sat at his dad's (he lives next door to us) We had little conversation. I did state the whole, I am not your enemy stuff. No contact since then. I took D's to their ball game last night. It wound up being a late night. When we got home, I saw he had called house phone twice. Last time at almost 9 PM. We got home about 9:05 or so. Late for us on a school night. lol He never tried my phone though. Apparently he had called S14 earlier in the evening and S was unable to hear or anything due to us being at a game and poor signal. We were actually at different games. But whatever. I am guessing he wanted to talk to kids only since he didn't call my phone. Ironically, he hasn't called my phone in some time now that I think about it. He will text occasionally though. I feel as though his texting on last Thurs (our 14 ann) was an excuse for contact. Basically he asked about bills and online log ins. So far though, nothing has been paid and the log ins I expected to be changed-weren't. I did tell him that night I had plans. When he was here on Sat.(briefly) getting kids and dropping off something to me- he kept walking and looking back through the house. Not sure what he was looking for? So in the meantime, I am trying to GAL -- I have been thinking about H. I really believe he didn't think through our separation. Basically, any time I ask him pointed questions about things that would pertain to the kids and I moving he seems to be perplexed. Like he hadn't thought about that. I think he believes we will just be here waiting for whenever he comes back. Maybe I am mind reading too much. I dunno. That is just my impression though. Some sort of fantasy land where we are always here and just welcome him in with open arms.
Maybe I am wrong but I was glad we weren't here last night. Not because it would have hurt him but the fact that actually GAL includes the kids too. Sort of like - see what you are missing out on?
Anyone have an opinion on this? Also we have not discussed Thanksgiving and he hasn't really mentioned it. He did tell me to go to his Dad's on TG with them. It was a comment in passing. I said I'm not sure what I am supposed to do about his family inviting us and he said to go. He wasn't going. Not sure if he will show or not or if he will be welcomed back into the fold by her family. That would just hurt me but I have no control over it. He has not actually come out and told anyone about their relationship to my knowledge. I don't know if he is embarrassed or ashamed or what. He has had several friends stop by and call asking about him. He hasn't even mentioned anything to his father and mother. I know this because they keep asking me if I am certain about them seeing one another. Which I am. Basically, no one has heard from him and they didn't know what had happened.
So I am having anxiety about TG. Otherwise, hanging in there. Thankfully dreadful Monday is over. Ironically, I seem to have the highest anxiety on days when I anticipate contact from H. I noticed yesterday I really sort of felt it was time to hear from him. Likely we won't again until W or TH. I am not sure what her work schedule is but I think he only makes contact when he is alone. Otherwise, I got nothing. Today is a house day. Meaning cleaning and taking care of things here. Then tonight the BB ordeal all over again. I am still not sleeping. Still concerned about the recent break ins on our road. That is part of my anxiety not sleeping I think.
Are you thinking that your H is trying to keep his options open? Whether he is or not, you need to focus on yourself. Even he probably doesn't know what he's up to. I do think it's great that he got no answers to his calls though. Great GALing with the kids. Congratulations on that.
In the meantime, I'm glad that you made it through Monday and hope that you have an easier day today. I'm sorry that you're not sleeping. I know with me it's always a self-limiting problem. What about with you?
Sending you strength and courage.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Maybe I am wrong but I was glad we weren't here last night. Not because it would have hurt him but the fact that actually GAL includes the kids too. Sort of like - see what you are missing out on?
If you're only doing it to get reaction, it won't be sustainable because if you don't get a reaction, you won't do it.
GAL should be for you, something that makes you feel good about you and gets your mind off the sitch.
I think you're having a difficult time right now because there's so much going on and it's that time of the year.
Keep moving forward.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Maybe I am wrong but I was glad we weren't here last night. Not because it would have hurt him but the fact that actually GAL includes the kids too. Sort of like - see what you are missing out on?
If you're only doing it to get reaction, it won't be sustainable because if you don't get a reaction, you won't do it.
Nope that wasn't it at all. Actually, I have been frustrated at times because when he calls we grab the phone and are too eager. If that makes sense? Same with myself. I have never let it just go to voicemail. So far, generally speaking, when he wanted to talk or visit we always have made ourselves available EVEN IF we have been busy. I guess I feel like he hasn't really had many opportunities to miss us. Or it seems like he hasn't.
Are you thinking that your H is trying to keep his options open?
I know with me it's always a self-limiting problem. What about with you?
Sending you strength and courage.
Yes, sort of. I have no idea what he is trying to do. I have spent so much time trying to analyze and figure him out. I am ready to just stop. You know? Just live it as it is and go on about my business.
Not usually self limiting. I have had the problem off and on. If I take the anxiety meds I sleep like Rip Van Winkle. Frankly, I don't want to do that considering how much theft has taken place here lately. So I guess I will just deal with it and take naps when I can.
Also - I should point out the longest we have gone with NC since he has been gone was 4 days and that was when I blocked the phone because I just didn't want to speak with him (which infuriated him I might add) So in the grand scheme of things it is like we are always available one way or another.
Yes, sort of. I have no idea what he is trying to do. I have spent so much time trying to analyze and figure him out. I am ready to just stop. You know? Just live it as it is and go on about my business.
Not usually self limiting. I have had the problem off and on
Me too, I have been soo self limiting since this happened, 1.5yrs now.
Soo much time trying to analyze! It is so freeing those times in the day I realize I haven't been thinking of him. It gets better and better everyday I we let them go, get them out of our minds.
Try to just stop...maybe a game you can play with yourself is to have a ready thought to switch to when you find yourself mulling over his doings. I change it up, these days I start thinking about new recipes, or changing up the house with a new rug or painting.
I know it's trivial but it something to put your mind and focus back onto yourself.
You sound like you on the right track...maybe do something completely different on TG and go to a family movie (good holiday one coming out tom.) I'm going to try to get a neighborhood evening football game going out in front...anything to be with people who are not going to bring me down.
I'm thankful for the sharing and understanding people show on this site as it has literally saved me from destroying myself. Have a good one!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Melissa, you continue showing great instrospection and a more calm attitude. You are right that being less available might help. I see that you still want to try to save your M. If that's what your heart tells you, then continue DBing and see how you feel as time goes by...
Any news in regard to the L or legal action? Just want to make sure you and the kids are protected financially.
I suppose you will always have a connection because of the kids. I am the same. I decided awhile ago that I will do my best to keep my R with H clam and amicable because of our kids. What it turns out to be is not in my hands. I can only encourage is his best behavior. He doesn't have to be it.
The other stuff? You keep moving forward. It will, as you know, fall into place. And we both know that this is easier said than done! For me I know I force myself to GAL with or without kids and have to consciously tell myself 'this is for me, this is for me'.
I try to split the NC. What I mean is I am NC with H about us. About me. I am not NC with regards to the kids. He can be the father without any interference from me. How much is his choice. But me? That is NC.
Thinking of you ((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
