It's None of my Business

[BeingMe]

I forgot to mention that he said that in some crazy way, he does love me. What does one make of this?

And the driverless train continues, stopping at no stations. Perhaps, it'll stop when it finally runs out of fuel, or out of tracks and crash.

[job]

BeingMe,
I'm not surprised that he told you he loves you. The feelings he had for you are still stuffed down inside. Right now, he can't feel the really deep love for you, but it's the feelings are still there and have surfaced just a little bit.

His train will continue on down the tracks until he runs out of tracks and that is when he will be forced to look within.

Are you finished with your projects for school? How are you doing?

[mirage]

Being me,
MLC is a strange thing.
I have lost about a year of my life while in MLC. Just don't remember. Its a land of total confusion. Braveheart is right that it is pure selfishness, but for true MLC'ers its just a survival mechanism.

Now with that stated above what about you?

This is an opportunity to grow, to thrive as a whole individual. to become strong internally. There are gifts we receive along the way that don't look like gifts.

You are right about the train, it is driverless. It may crash someday, it may not. Do you still want to be standing looking at it 1 year from now? 2 years from now?

If I had my choice, I would still prefer to be married to my exW. but.....our choices are not always in conjuntion with the others choices. That being said there is life past all this. Your life!! and a darn good one.


Mirage

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you for posting this Mirage.

Was having an angry day, and this perspective helps keep my compassion and understanding for my H.

Thanks again, so many people appreciate your advice.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Snodderly for your usual good insights. Whenever I read your posts, I always feel better, if I'm feeling down (which is seldom, these days). Got one essay to finish. My Astronomy presentation was set for tomorrow, but our uni is on strike for the next 2 days, at least. Oh well! My one issue is getting three people (1 girl/2 boys) to act out part of my movie script. The scriptwriting course has a section for producing part of one's script - ya get extra marks if you do it, so I'm motivated.

Mirage - I hear you re MLC. I've been traveling this track as a passenger for more than 7 years. But, I have a lawyer now, and have jumped tracks, as it were. My H doesn't know what he wants. He rewrites history, then says I forget (using my illness as an excuse ... I do forget words constantly), when I know he hasn't told me whatever. It's kinda getting worse. I think my being proactive with getting a D has left him unsure, and having to actually DO something. I think he was content to coast along as a so-called separated man (not officially). No matter what, though, I am determined to get divorced. I feel inside me that I'm done. Too much water under the bridge. He's left things way too late. I really tried to understand, and wait out the probable MLC, but it's been too much. I just can't do this anymore, and I think he knows it. It's not just the MLC, it's also being left alone for weeks on end. This traveling for his job started after I got cancer, so it was not a good thing for me. Thank goodness for my two kids who were at home at that time, and for my studies which kept me focused on something else.

I've come to the conclusion that no two MLCer is alike. Some leave and quickly move on, while others cling in one form or another to their spouses (especially if there are children still around). I think my H took advantage of my kindness, and love. He has pulled the wool over my eyes so many times. Now, I barely believe anything he says, even though I so much want to. I always double check him now. If he says the sky is blue, then I check ... you never know, it might be red. I passed the angry stage a long time ago. I am merely disappointed that things turned out this way. He's going to have to let me go.

I am slowly getting the ol' me back. I laugh more openly now, am loving life, can actually crack a joke once in a while. My writing and poetry is lighter and funnier. I don't look forward to his coming home anymore. He is too much of a downer. He chose his life, yet constantly complains about it. I followed him, supported him in his career, but nothing makes him happy or satisfied. So, I have to cut myself loose. Not to say I'm perfect ... I do remember my anger from the past (which he is constantly reminding me about, oh and also my jealousy ... for pete's sake, he wasn't a very loyal H, I had every reason to be suspicious). But, it's in the past, and only the present counts now.

[BeingMe]

Takevowsserious, I am so sorry you're in this situation, especially with two young children. I hope your H gets his head out of his rear-end, and realizes his responsibilities to the M and the family that came from that. Don't worry about OW ... she is just a symptom (isn't it awful to be a symptom of a married man). Anger, by the way, will get you nowhere (I know, I was there for a long time, then one day I woke up and it hit me ... the anger was hurting me and my kids). Look, if he's going to leave you, then he's going to leave. Little you can do about it, except how you react. Make sure your financial stuff is in order (trust me on this ... I didn't and things are a mess). You have children to take care of. I don't know your whole sitch, but that is something that every women should realize.

I'm in a much better place, emotionally, and it's a great feeling. This is called "detachment", and I gotta lot of that going. You have to get yourself some of that too.

At the end of the day, no-one is perfect, mistakes are made, but if we can be at least honest and open (even through the anger and pain), then we can say we tried. We can say, truthfully, that we gave it our all, and it was just not meant to be. That's where I am now, after 26 years of marriage, the last 7 years was such a rollercoaster, so I'm glad I'm off that ride. Phew!

Take care.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Being,

I've really enjoyed reading your posts, and find a lot of insight in them. You have been at this a long time!

I understand what you are saying about anger. But, I think sometimes it can be productive. Just like our MLCer, we can get stuck. I needed a few wake up calls about the money he is spending to move me forward. I set up my online banking access yesterday. Today I am going to work on the credit card. I am being very careful not to do this from my home or cell phone, because I have no doubt that he may be checking up on me at any given time.

I realize he could leave me for her. And you're right, if he does then he does. But I'll be damned if he's taking our family's money with him.

And if he leaves, there's a part of me that would be sad and disappointed of course. But there's also a part of me that would be relieved. No more dealing with his mood swings, bizarre behavior and evidence of OW on a daily basis. He can go off and be miserable while he texts himself into oblivion.

He may be self destructing and there's nothing I can do to stop him. I just sure as hell am not going to let me and the boys get taken down too in the process.

Truly am coming to a place where I am done. He can go figure his crap out on his own. In the meantime, my boys and I are going to live!

I wish you the best of luck Being, like so many people around here you seem like such a caring and devoted person who has such love for their family.

No matter what, we're going to be okay

[BeingMe]

We're going to be MORE than okay.

Yes, anger did get me geared up and thinking, but it's been a long time since I have been so. Just don't let it overwhelm you, although I don't feel you are. It's still early days for you.

Think on this .... if he leaves, OW will have to deal with his mood swings and other MLC symptoms. She will be constantly wondering when he will go back to you and your boys. In the meantime, you're their awesome mom. My H lost a lot being away from our children, while my R with them is solid.

Stay strong.

[BeingMe]

H is back "home". He seems to be trying to reconnect. He's been brushing the dog (shitzu) and I think doggie is getting a little irritated with all the brushing attention. H is still depressed about not being able to get another job. He's been to two interviews, and didn't get either. He's worried. And, he doesn't want to travel anymore, at least, not like he has been doing. I think the worry shows up in the interviews. He is friendly with me. My friend says I should wait, and not D. I don't think I can do that anymore. I just want this over with, and not have to deal with his lies in the future.

My latest GAL activity ---- just joined our local Astronomy Club.

[job]

BeingMe,
I think you'll enjoy the Astronomy Club. You'll meet a lot of different people and I think it would be a fascinating hobbie. Go for it!

As for your h, I think when you told him about the divorce, etc., I think it shocked him into a tailspin. LOL! The poor doggie won't have any hair left if he continues brushing the doggie! Maybe brushing the dog soothes your h because it is something repetitive??

If you are absolutely sure you can't do this anymore, by all means, go forward w/the D. Your h could be doing a last ditch effort to stall you and if you cave in, he'll go back to doing what he was doing. It's hard to tell, but I'm putting my money on you and what you need to do to move forward w/your life.