No contact with stbx since a call from him last Monday. So nearly one week. Longest ever unless he's been away on holidays.
He has been calling/texting the kids this weekend. S14 won't answer or reply. D16 has been busy at work where she cannot use her phone. When she belatedly replied tonight, he announced that he was having surgery tomorrow and so would not be available to collect her from school for 2 nights.
When she asked what was wrong, he said "oh, just some maintenance".
Now, i am annoyed because the kids are worried. And I am even more annoyed at what I see as his usual pattern of control.
He'll tell enough to make everyone concerned, but not enough to be open about what is going on with him.
Is this just me?? Surely this is a cruel thing to do to one's kids?
Then I thought - sheet, maybe this announcement to D16 is his way of letting me know - and then as a friend, maybe I should text him a 'hope all goes well'. But then I quickly realised that i am not wanted in his life. Hard not to want to contact him before he goes under anaesthetic, but it's his choice to be free of me.
He'll tell enough to make everyone concerned, but not enough to be open about what is going on with him.
Wow NLW this quote...it struck home hard. My H does that all of the time! I never saw it as controlling....but i see what you mean now.
You sound better, despite the awfulness of this all. But you really sound better.
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
updating... I have had no face-to-face contact with stbx for 2 weeks. He started to call again every day to ask what time to pick up kids from school after one week nc, but i just say the time and then 'Bye'. He just drops them in the driveway and then drives off.
But today, we had mediation. A 2-hour session. Basically involved listing all our assets and liabilities - pointless really as neither of us has any hard evidence as to what things are worth... but stbx assumes that all we have to do is to agree to his valuations and then to a % split and that will be that. Lots of talk about our 2 cars both of which are in his business's name - the fact that he kept the luxury BMW and left me and the kids with the old banger that has since broken down.
Once again he refused to supply any financial details to back up his claims, arguing that he did not have the time or resources to pander to 'my curiosity' (he really said this!) about our financial history.
On some other matters, he was loopy. Often he was scathing and rude. He would not look me in the eyes. I tried to force him to by keeping my gaze directly at him from time to time. If he did eventually look at me, he held gaze for only a second and then turned away. He was also paler than i have ever see a breathing human to be. White as a ghost throughout.
I stayed pretty calm, but dissolved into tears at one point when I managed to steer the conversation to my current financial plight: this fortnight's pay cycle sees me $700 short for paying the bills that fall due (most of which stbx ran up) even before i have bought any food or petrol. As the mediator pointed out to me after the session when he asked to speak to me alone: I am in a pretty desperate situation, financially. He said stbx had clearly 'dudded me'.
Given that mediators are not supposed to take sides, i was briefly buoyed by this stranger's quick assessment of the situation that stbx has left me in. Only hope a judge sees it the same way - because i can't see how this complicated sitch is going to avoid needing a full trial.
Anyway, what was interesting was how stbx behaved afterwards.
He was civil to me as soon as we were alone together after the mediation - waited for me and chatted and walked me to my car. Then we drove back to our respective homes - and as they are just around the corner from each other now, we drove one behind the other all the very long way home. Lots of checking in respective mirrors.
This evening, stbx brought S14 home from school driving OW's convertible Mercedes. S14 told him never to pick him up in her car again.
Then stbx ACTUALLY CAME INTO THE HOUSE - after 2 weeks of dropping the kids in the driveway and pulling straight out again. Thought i had seen a bit of a thaw BUT THEN, i got the following email an hour later:
Hi,
The registration on your car has expired. Can you acknowledge that I have informed you and also let me know what you plan to do with the car?
Thanks
stbx
As i said before, the car has broken down, and with all of his other debts that I have to pay for, i have no money to get it repaired - nor should i take the risk, I figure, while it is still owned by him, technically.
How mad the whole thing is.
I just replied by saying:
Hi STBX, Thanks for letting me know that the registration has expired.
As you know, the car broke down some months ago and we have not been able to use it since then.
Cheers, Name
Hope I am doing OK. Really wish we never had to see him again (unless he changes back, that is!)
Another interesting thing to come out of yesterday's mediation session was that stbx announced he had started paying me $250 a week for child support. He said he had made 2 payments, starting November. This is after 15 months of being separated, mind you!!
I presume the mediator had suggested this to him when he went there for his first session (alone) with him. The dates fit.
I was non-plussed to hear this, as I pore over my bank account daily trying to work out how to pay all the bills and interest repayments etc. I had seen no such payments from stbx.
When i got home, i checked and sure enough, there was nothing in my account.
i phoned stbx to ask - as I am $700 short, before food and petrol, this week. He said it was in another account - one that i wasn't even aware i had! (Remember, stbx controlled all the finances in our M and had online accounts for me that he used). He sent me the account number - but of course, as i had no username and password, I could not check.
I texted back to ask for these and after a few hours, he sent them through. (breathe in, breathe out, and try to remain calm)
Sure enough, in an obscure account that we had set up (with a bank that we no longer use) so that the kids could have a savings account, there was an account for me as 'parent authority' for the kids' accounts (these are empty now too as stbx took the kids' money from them long ago).
When I tried to transfer the $500 to my other bank (which stbx knows full well is my primary bank account), I was unable to do so. The bank has a transaction security function whereby an authorisation code is sent via sms text to a nominated phone number.
Guess whose phone receives the security code for all transactions on my account?
You got it first guess - STBX's.
Why oh why would anyone start paying money to support their children, but then do it in a way that was invisible, so that the money could not be used?
And then again, why let me find out that he had been using my account in the past in such a way as to hide all transactions from me?
Is this typical mlc behaviour or am I really dealing with an out-and-out con man? Could this man be the H that I thought i knew?
I'm on team NLW. God I wish this is isn't your real H. I wonder if he'll ever wake up.
I agree with the way you responded to his email and how well you're holding up in spite of his neglect. I truly wish the part of the process goes by very quickly.
Thinking of you NLW!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I think you are handling yourself incredibly well despite H's nonsense. Sometimes, there just are no answers to these incredibly mind-boggling actions and words.
Thinking of you....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bank account is in your name though right? Go in and change the info on the account! I know it's a pain and you shouldn't have to, but just take care of it and move on.
It's possible he is a con man, it's possible it's been exacerbated by his whole MLC. Either way, what is important is that RIGHT NOW he is not someone you want to be around. That could change in the future, but don't let him hold you back in the meanwhile.
You are doing great! Keep going, one hour at a time if necessary. (((NLW)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
