Vero, you know I am improving my communication skills, too. You're doing great.
"Don't worry about it. I was hoping we would do a family outing and H suggested we go hiking so I was a bit disappointed when he suggested we go shopping instead. So his invite to you wasn't the problem."
Here's something to think about, what does it mean when you say "Don't worry about it"? To me it's a filler, that somehow softens the message or it's a phrase we sometimes hide our true feelings behind.
What did it mean here?
Good work, girl.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It sounds like you're doing really well. Finding that balance is really hard and it takes noticing when you didn't quite hit the mark and trying trying trying more.
I had a book that helped me a lot, Family Communication by Sven Wahlroos. It helps you to see that when you're dissatisfied and you express it by getting quiet and polite, you're hurting your relationship. It also helps you to see that sometimes it's you who's in the wrong. When you're the victim so much it can seem like you're the only victim. In your story about talking about S's surgery and you wanted to change the topic to you, and he ignored you by continuing to talk about the surgery, you felt mad because he was ignoring you, but you also had ignored him. He was trying to say something too. I know you know that now, but I'm restating it to show the point clearly.
You learn to hold the things you want to bring up until it's the right time for them to be heard, not simply the time they popped into your head or nagged at you. Communicate with intention.
Spending time as a family around your son's recovery can be a good chance for you to try not to be resentful if you can manage it. He can begin to see that it's possible to come back. There would be time later to work through resentment if he's willing.
I'll be thinking of you!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you LaBUg, you made me think. I saw it as a way of softening what i was about to say. MIL doesn't get subtle hints so I've learned that I need to consistently be giving her subtle hints for her to understand. I don't need to be direct/assertive.
Thank you Adinva, You learn to hold the things you want to bring up until it's the right time for them to be heard, not simply the time they popped into your head or nagged at you. Communicate with intention. This just stuck in my head. I tend to say things when they pop in my head or nag at me. I think I did better today. See below.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Journaling S4s surgery was postponed due to a cold. Drs Scheduler: So you decided not to have the surgery Me: Since it's an elective surgery we decided not to run any risk as noted by the anesthesiologist. Drs Schedule: I'm just saying you've waited a year and keep postponing. Me: Silence (this is my 180 at work) Drs Schedule: So when do you wanna do this? (lots of reluctance in her voice) Me: (gave her dates in a happy as if tone)
She's gotta deal with her own issues. I am not going to suck myself into getting into an argument with this woman again. I did it 2yrs ago when S4 had his last surgery. I raised hell with her supervisor. Now I'm letting it go.
H n I had an R talk tonite. H: I was hoping to come over tomorrow morning before work. I'll bring starbucks. (LL-Gifts!) Me: I wanted to talk to you about that. I want to rephrase what I said the other day (only come am n pm if you plan on spending the night once a week and plan on reconciling). I would rather you came am n pm if you plan to make an added effort to reconcile. I want you to know that I have recognized your efforts thus far (family outings, dinner without the kids) but I need to see more. I don't want to say what "more" looks like because I want to leave that up to you.
<<<This is where it gets good. Get your popcorn out.>>>>
H: I don't feel comfortable spending the night because it will confuse S4. He will expect me there everyday and ask these really deep questions about the sitch.
H: I have to admit that last night when I lay down with S4 I struggled to get out of bed and leave. I want to stay.
H: WHen I don't see you guys in the morning I feel empty as if something is missing. My days are long. I feel a mini-depression. The few times I do stop by I have such a good day.
Me: I completely understand. I feel the same way. I look for you when I feel sad or getting depressed but I'm learning to find other ways to deal with that. I get very sad seeing you go and I feel empty inside which is why I would rather you didn't come. Unless I see more effort coming from your part I need to take care of that empty feeling I have inside me.
Long story short. We will be planning more dinner without the kids. This was my goal when I first started DB 1yr ago. I'm not excited but amazed at the power of DB!!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Journaling Saw the 2nd twilight movie. I'm not a fan but since I will be watching the new one on Thurs I thought I'd catch up.
Watching it just reminded me of how the lead actress cheated on the lead actor. Couldn't shake it off.
A couple of thoughts came to me that really hurt. Being physically intimate with H. We've only hugged but I can't imagine it. Just the thought of it made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. The thought of touching his chest gives me get a knot in my throat.
We're nowhere close to it but it makes me want to quit. I want to run far away from that feeling.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you labug n Bklynmom. Yes I hear a lot of the slogans in these your responses, "Think" and "One Day at a Time" are just a couple.
It was a thought that I ran with and should've just stopped it before I rode that emotional rollercoaster. That was all my doing.
Bklynmom- he's seeing an IC but no meds, that I know of.
Journaling()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() I find myself coming to the forum to read and post after the kids go to sleep. I tell myself to do it for only 15-20min but then I realize it's been an hour or more! I tell myself to read my al anon literature and journal and do my inventory but instead I only go on the forum.
I also find myself going to bed with a lot of tension. Reading other people posts didn't give me this tension before but now it does. I don't know why? What's changed?
Good stuff. Yesterday H gave me a hug before he left to work and again this morning and this evening without having to ask. He even told S4, walk me to the door and tell your mom to join us. That's was nice.
He has the whole week off (furlough days). No expectations. He wants to go to the zoo with us tomorrow (minus his mom ;-) and planned for MIL to watch the kids in the evening so we could grab a bite to eat. :-$ That's me smiling so much you could see my braces!
I really have to take a break from the forum. I love you all and hope that when I return I won't get so darn tense and figure this stuff out!
Have a GREAT thanksgiving!! Be grateful you all have your health and the opportunity to change your life for the better!! Amen!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Vero! You will be very missed by me. I have become very fond of you. I wish you all the best until you return, and when you do return, I hope you are in an even better place than you find yourself today.
Give a hug to yourself and your little ones.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
((((((((((( )))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
