Piecing - Round 1

[angel61]

SBH, Starsky,

I agree with Denver here. You are not in his shoes, only he can assess what is big for him or what is not.

I have to ask you this: what does EXPECTING something from the other person mean? (She should have a HEIGHTENED sense of his needs....come on, is it fair to expect that? she is still so busyconcentrating on fixing herself at this point, I am sure! Man, its a process...I know how hard my H struggled, and is still sttruggling)

Doesn't it mean that you are trying to control them and their actions? nd feelings? Thats not what we learn here in DBing... and neither did I learn that in Retro....we learn to control ourselves, how we react, and the premise here is that when you change, everything around you changes.

Had I listened to all of you who have asked me to demand transparency from my H I wouldn't be where I am now. Or had I expected him to act the way I wanted, instead of seeing and reading what HE was offering to me....it would just be the same thing all over again.

I realized that I had to rediscover myself and my H and sometimes, work on blind faith that things will right itself. I firt of all had to right myself and see that part of my problem was being demanding and not giving my H the chance to grow to be himself. I was always the mentor and leader, being older than my H and also being a real mentor to him during his training years, that it was really hard to get out of that role. And if I did as told to do....demand transparency, demand certain ways that he should react to me, like call me...etc, where would that get me? back to square one.

Instead, I held my mouth, although I kept my eyes and ears open. Then slowly, he started doing things on his own. He realized I was worried about the time he was gone, he started calling me and letting me know where he was. I showed him that x-OW was no longer an issue with me, slowly he has started opening up about talking about her and her whereabouts. The trust is slowly building up, without demands from either side. I also realize that he is also observing me, trying to see if I have forgiven and am not hanging his wrongs like the sword of Damocles over his head. There cannot be true healing and going back to what it was and better if there is no forgiveness.

What I am pointing out here is that each sitch has their methods of piecing. The dynamics of their personalities, and relationship, may not work with what you, Starsky, and SBH had experienced.

I think Denver sees the changes, and reads his wife well.

Keep it up, Denver, and don't let other people push you off the path.

Take care.