New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

HI, I'm not sure I'm able to post a "short" version of my story. But will try to catch you up. I do notice a lot of people “journal”, I may do that too, so you can get more of the story, eventually.

Married 21 years. I'm 41, H is 43. One DD 15 yrs.

Split 10 years ago when H decided he wasn't happy. DD was 4 almost 5. I fell apart and did everything wrong. Found Divorce Busters, implemented and he came back within 6 months wanting to come home. We did see a marriage counselor.

Marriage has been fine up till 2 1/2 years ago. H was hurt at work. Ruptured a disc in neck and injured shoulder. Had 1st surgery Dec 2010; shoulder reconstruction Jan 2011; I had surgery Feb 2011 (after a fall); then H had second shoulder surgery after fall in our house.

He is not the same man he was 3 years ago. I know that. I understand that. But at the same time, I didn't know how to fix it or what to do, so I just encouraged him. My personality is to always look on the bright side. The glass is half full. He sat at home in his man cave (the basement) and thought about all the stuff he couldn’t do – because of his injury and because of lack of money.

Workers Comp payments stopped as soon as doctor released him. He lost his job because he couldn't make a "meaningful return to work". He has permanent restrictions, no lifting over 20lbs and no over head work. But honestly, he can't lift milk out of the frig with his arm and now says his shoulder hurts as much now as it did when he first injured it.

I melted down in January 2012 and told him I couldn't handle all the bills alone anymore. I was just feeling overwhelmed. Daughter was having normal teenage girl stuff (drama - nothing major) and I was feeling the weight of everything, after 2 years, on my shoulders. I tried to never complain or nag or whine about our situation because I knew it was out of his control, and I was encouraged because we own a Lawn care company and I knew this would be his chance to grow it and it be a full time job (he's been doing it sort of part time for extra hunting money for about 4 years – but long term goal was to be his main source of income eventually). BUT, at the same time, I resented the fact that he COULD get a job of some sorts during the winter to supplement the missed months of lawn service. Again, I thought he may be depressed.

February 2012, I knew something wasn't right. Even told my boss there was something wrong. Again, he's not the same man I married. He's bitter and almost mean, withdrawn. (I do have to mention, he hasn't slept in the bed with me since his first injury in 2010. He tried, but couldn't get comfortable with his neck and shoulder. He would try, but felt like he kept me up all night with is snoring or tossing and turning and I had to get up and go to work. Yes, he would make “visits” to the bed, but rarely slept a whole night there. And I’ve heard a lot of people say after that kind of shoulder surgery, it was easier to sleep in a recliner). Middle of February, my job was deleted. After almost 20 years with one company, I was deleted and was devastated. H encouraged me to take my time and find something I really wanted. I got 5 months’ severance, so we had a little time. Then two weeks later he gets a letter from his long term disability company that it was ending the end of June. He wanted to fight it, but honestly, the jobs listed on the form are jobs he could do. I didn’t agree with him and his reasoning so I didn’t help him with the forms and never talked to him about it, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He contacted his lawyer and he referred him to a social security disability lawyer to help start that process.
End of July 2012 – I received a REALLY good job offer. Making $10,000 more than I was at job that I was at for 20 years. He seemed relieved and excited for me. I even got an email from him that said how much he loved me and proud of me and how much he appreciates me taking care of him and our DD
Oct 2012 – He came home October 3 and gave me the “I’m not happy speech”. Said he’d always love me, but he couldn’t live like this anymore. Didn’t I notice he spent all his time alone in the basement. He was a man and couldn’t even provide for his family. I’d be better off without him, with someone who could love me like I deserved to be loved. I let him leave. He already said he had a deal worked out with a customer to live in his empty house and help remodel it. I didn’t argue. I even thought it might be for the best. Give us each some space. October 12 DD received a call from a school friend and a picture showing him with AW at a local favorite restaurant. She called and confronted him. He said he was an adult and he could see who he wanted. She was his friend. At the same time, I was having a conversation with a friend who was telling me that OW’s father was telling me at a local community ball park that my H was living with OW! He came to my house that night to talk about it. He said he was sorry. He didn’t leave me for her. He had been “gone” for a year. She wasn’t a bad person. Yada, yada, yada. All he could say was he was sorry. I couldn’t leave it alone and finally figured out who she was. I knew her when we were younger. He met her at the bar they both worked at and she’s my age. For two weeks I had done so good to leave him alone, give him space, etc. This really hit me hard. I became obsessed to find out how much he had lied to me. I found her number on my cell phone records starting July 22. Lots of pictures and almost as much texting as DD. AND he talked to OW more on our 21st anniversary than he talked to me.

I’ve seen a lawyer. H is agreeing to give me the house and everything in it except his hunting stuff, a Boise Radio, his truck and his old 4-Runner. He has also agreed to pay more in CS than 21%. And he is adamant that it will be civil and we will be friends.

I’m not sure I want him back. Some days I do with all my being and then days I feel like he had a chance 10 years ago, I took him back and he’s doing it all over again… only proof this time of OW. I have lost my best friend and that hurts worse than anything else. You all know how it feels to have a WASpouse …

I KNOW what to do, its just taking my own advice (I’ve even given DD divorce busters advice). But in my heart of hearts, I don’t know what I want. I told my lawyer that I want to get his signature on the MDA and PP, but then sit on it till I’m ready to file. Our state makes us wait mandatory 3 months, but he is moving fast with OW.

Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for any encouragement, advice, recommendations in advance.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome to the forums! Wow, you have really been through a lot for only being 41!!! DB'ing is largely based on the assumption that both partners contributed to the marital problems, but that only one is willing to work on saving the M. The tips and techniques are to help that LBS work on themselves to try and draw the WAS back. Your sitch is unusual in that your H seems to be admitting that his reasons for leaving are not you at all, but because of his disappointment in himself. OW is clearly in the mix too, but it's not really clear on whether she influenced his decision to leave or not. I guess the first thing to tackle is this:

I’m not sure I want him back. Some days I do with all my being and then days I feel like he had a chance 10 years ago, I took him back and he’s doing it all over again… only proof this time of OW.

I can completely understand why you feel that way and based on what you've reported I'd say you've given your marriage an amazing effort over the years. I don't think anyone would blame you for dropping the rope at this point. But it sounds like you're still not sure about this, so take some time for yourself and figure out what you want to do. Your H is still in the "puppy love" stage with OW, once that wears off he may very well try and come back again. There's nothing you can do to speed that up, but you do need to decide if you're willing to consider reconciliation or not. If you are, I would not just fling the door open to him if and when the time comes. You'll need counseling to work through the marital issues, but mostly he needs it to work through his own issues I think.

I have lost my best friend and that hurts worse than anything else. You all know how it feels to have a WASpouse …

Yes we do! It's very difficult, and the grieving process is unique for each of us. But the good news is through DB'ing you will discover that you're stronger and more resilient then you thought possible, and you will emerge a better person whether H returns or not.

But in my heart of hearts, I don’t know what I want.

And that's OK! This is a major life-change and it's something you'll want to consider carefully. Take your time!

[PeteWyo]

I'm not sure if you are still checking this thread but I will add my 2 cents. Answer me this question, are you unsure if you want him back because he cheated on you or because it would be easier without him around. I'm not saying there java right answer and maybe it is a bit of both. I can't empathize with you but I understand how an injury like that could affect your R. You are obviously here because you or some part of you wants to save your M. And I can empathize with you a bit on feeling that you are responsible for taking care of him. I did that too much actually, to the point where I came across as controlling. That is another story though. I guess the real question is what you want. Either way taking some time to be the best person you can be while he figures out what he wants, can't be a better thing. And at the end, if you don't want him back, then you have that option, but you will be in a really good place for yourself. So as my favorite poster Denver told me, what's the rush?

[PeteWyo]

is a* ... Not java

[notsurewhat2do]

Thank you so much for responding. I lost the thread and thought no body answered.

Today we go visit the lawyer to sign quit claim deed, MDA and Parenting plan. H seemed hesitant to go at first (not giving me a definate answer to when he could come), but now he's okay and asked about address last night.

Still trying to do DB, only initating contact when necessary about DD or house/bills/lawyer.

Thank you AnotherStander ... yes, I'm not going to fling the door open if that chance arises. I didn't the first time and I'm not this time. Circumstances with the OW make it impossible to do that. I'm REALLY good at buring my head in the sand and going about my merry business (or work, house, DD as they keep me busy) so I think I could and would take him back, but then let the wounds of OW fester in my heart. I KNOW I would. So my pledge to myself is to deal with that before making any attempts at reconcillation if that happens.

Funanacdc ... to answer your question ...I'm not sure. Probably both. I can see where our marrige was not perfect, we both made mistakes, but they could be worked on and in time it could be better, but he'd have to want to and I don't think now is the time he can or would do that. AND in the shower I came to the realization that he is possibly using OW as much as me. He is using her to keep him strong enough not to come back. He knows (or thinks he knows) that if he cheated, I wouldn't let him back. Which is totally possible that I just couldn't. So, unlike first time he left (I never found proof of AW) I let him back. Maybe he really is so unhappy with marriage and life that he is using her ... make sense?

Really, thank you for listening. Now that I've found this post, I hope to keep it updated as a "journal".

[notsurewhat2do]

Thank you so much for responding. I lost the thread and thought no body answered.

Today we go visit the lawyer to sign quit claim deed, MDA and Parenting plan. H seemed hesitant to go at first (not giving me a definate answer to when he could come), but now he's okay and asked about address last night.

Still trying to do DB, only initating contact when necessary about DD or house/bills/lawyer.

Thank you AnotherStander ... yes, I'm not going to fling the door open if that chance arises. I didn't the first time and I'm not this time. Circumstances with the OW make it impossible to do that. I'm REALLY good at buring my head in the sand and going about my merry business (or work, house, DD as they keep me busy) so I think I could and would take him back, but then let the wounds of OW fester in my heart. I KNOW I would. So my pledge to myself is to deal with that before making any attempts at reconcillation if that happens.

Funanacdc ... to answer your question ...I'm not sure. Probably both. I can see where our marrige was not perfect, we both made mistakes, but they could be worked on and in time it could be better, but he'd have to want to and I don't think now is the time he can or would do that. AND in the shower I came to the realization that he is possibly using OW as much as me. He is using her to keep him strong enough not to come back. He knows (or thinks he knows) that if he cheated, I wouldn't let him back. Which is totally possible that I just couldn't. So, unlike first time he left (I never found proof of AW) I let him back. Maybe he really is so unhappy with marriage and life that he is using her ... make sense?

Really, thank you for listening. Now that I've found this post, I hope to keep it updated as a "journal".

[notsurewhat2do]

Yesterday was bittersweet. My lawyer said it was the most amiable divorce he's seen in 32 years of practice. We went in together, we signed the paper, we walked out together. My lawyer was a bit concerned about our joint checking out, but I'm not. Honestly, H would never do that. He knows it would only hurt DD in the long run. Even though he doesn't realize how much his decision to leave us is hurting her. BUT, we talked like old friends. I told him I didn't want this, but I'm doing it because I know he wants it. He said he knows. I'm just not a figher. It does nobody any good to be bitter and ugly, especially me. It take so much more engery for me to be mean than it does to be nice. Anyways, he showed no emotion, which hurts the most. But he has told me since first of October that he left our marriage a year ago. I have to remember he's dealt with these feelings and emotions that I'm just now dealing with. I keep thinking back during the summer, when I was home (because of job loss) and how many times he asked me to do something with him and I wouldn't. He was reaching out, but I didn't realize it. I was enjoying my first summer not working or school in 22 years. I wanted to hang at the pool or hang with DD. I SO regret that now. If I could have just did more things with him maybe we could have reconnected. I am ashamed of that. And that hurts too. I could have avoided all this by being more attentive. And then again, part of me resents him not being more attentive too me. I wanted him to do things with me also or go places with me and DD, but he wouldn't. So, we lived in a vicious cycle. And both of us afraid of hurting the other too much to actually talk about it. So see.... all of this was so avoidable, till OW. Now I'm not sure.
I called my lawyer back and asked if he would wait till after Christmas before filing our paper with the courts. He agreed and said he thought it was a good idea. I don't think it will change things, but you never know... right? I'm still so conflicted on what I want. Do I want him back? Do I want to fight tremendously hard for our marriage? Am I afraid I won't be able to forgive? YES, all of those things. And more ....

[notsurewhat2do]

Oh yea, I know where H is living. Its actually not far from my house and I avoid going by there because of fear of seeing OW car there. But I've told him I don't want DD around OW and no overnight guest while DD is there. I don't think it's appropriate for OW to spend the night with married Dad, DD is only 15. And I don't want DD uncomfortable being around OW. She knows enough. But since DD has yet to spend the night with H, is OW living there. Do I have a right to ask? Should I drive by just to see if her car is there? Do I have a right to check the place out if DD is going to be spending time there?

[MKB23]

I would think you do have the right to ask but I am one of those that was really really adamant about my kids not being around OW. Then suddenly, I just changed my mind. I told him - I really can't stop you - however, you may be very surprised when the outcome is not as expected.

My kids are hurt, angry, resentful, and more than anything want to hurt back. Unfortunately, I can talk until I am blue in the face and it is not likely to change their feelings.

So, I put the ball in his court. Guess what? He realized on his own what a colossal mistake that would be.

Ultimately you cannot stop him from having D around OW. However, you also cannot protect them from the fallout. You will have to try to help your D adjust. Beyond that it is not your concern. So if it turns out that she lets fly on your H or OW and tells them how she really feels then she does. There is a fine line between trying to protect them and also trying to let them have some independence and realize that their feelings are different and separate from yours and like it or not you don't control those either.

Hang in there! Congrats on calling the L and having them wait. Really, you could likely wait indefinitely if he has signed the house over already. I mean if you wanted to.

You might just give yourself some time to take stock and figure out what you REALLY want. The holidays are not a great time to do that IMO. You naturally feel the loss in the family more when there are so many family centered activities.

[JuneReN]

Oh yea, I know where H is living. Its actually not far from my house and I avoid going by there because of fear of seeing OW car there. But I've told him I don't want DD around OW and no overnight guest while DD is there. I don't think it's appropriate for OW to spend the night with married Dad, DD is only 15. And I don't want DD uncomfortable being around OW. She knows enough. But since DD has yet to spend the night with H, is OW living there. Do I have a right to ask? Should I drive by just to see if her car is there? Do I have a right to check the place out if DD is going to be spending time there?

A) Welcome and B) I am sorry you are here . You have been through a lot in a short span of time.

As to DD and spending night, you already laid down the rules to H (no guests, no OW) so you do not have to revisit. Sure, you can check if she is living there, but that is not a boundary you made, right? You said no intro, no overnight guests...If she is living there, then DD is going to see her stuff, regardless of whether he respects your requests or not.

So, you have to ask yourself, what is it you want to do? You do have right to check place out because, yes, DD will be there as well. But that also implies you don't trust H, not to keep D safe and her needs met and also you don't trust him to keep word.