Now don't gather from this that I'm all together, far from it, I'm just a little lighter and it makes all the difference. I don't know where, what, when about anything, I just know I'm not in a fog today and I love it!
hiya- hey, "a little lighter" sure describes me today also. i swear- it's uncanny sometimes i come here and you echo what i'm feeling. i don't know a darn thing either- except my "fog" seems gone - mostly. my backsliding mainly consists of me agonizing in my brain or thinking in bed and it keeps me awake.
i am reminding myself continually to stfu (per t sq) and keep quiet. it's not as hard as it used to be - but alot of the time i find my brain's reaction is - "you're too tired to go there- you don't even care and there's nothing left to explain. it won't make a dent" - and it's what i honestly feel i guess- so I am finding it easier and easier to just not talk.
sometimes if i try to even think of a future- i get a bit panicked- thinking of it alone - ALLLLL ALONE - BUT THEN i try and remind myself how emotionally NOT there he's been for awhile- i guess i'll survive. (no real choice is there?) no one who will panic and jump out of bed if they get a call that i've been in an accident. that's kind of icky- but i try not to think of it.
took little sleeping pill last nite- so relatively normal (feeling) today.
today- i actually had a non-whining observation to make about me and my progress - i'm guessing it's alot of progress - since i don't feel awful all the time - and even feel a bit perky this a.m.
cool front came thru- so it's soo nice to not be sweating - yay.... i'm amazed to think how long i have felt awful from this sitch - years - how his actions, or non-actions have caused such pain. how oblivious to anyone's but his discomfort he is- etc...
when i consider how very very long-- he's allowed me to go around being such a fool - while he just lied & lied and said he was fine - i feel sorry to think of the waste (of both our time- life- love). i think i've maybe been having my own little mlc in response to the upheaval of my life. inever was one to sit around thinking what i wanted and needed to make me happy. i was alwasy happy feeling- and glad of it- but now, i find myself asking me do i want "this" forever- and so on.
like the lady you described- i don't think i love him in the same way as i did. i don't know if that's love dying altogether- i never ever thought it could - not true love. now i see it can be beaten to death (probably).
if you can't talk and be honest with each other tho- what the heck do you have"?? nothing and recipe for another disaster like this one. i am not running out the door- but i don't have hope about my sitch.
I've been doing my own thing and activities. - the other day he was commenting about my preferring a 3 year old to his company- something he's said fifty million times over our life. (tho, when asked seriously he's always said do what i want about having the kids around our house. ) so i've had them - babysat and enjoyed having them in my life in a signigficant way.
they all grew up hanging around here- cooking, arts & crafts, etc. I think my gal was (& is) just giving him more fuel for his fire - rather than adding to his interest. i cannot make the call- i am just about thru trying to figure and analyze his reactions & my actions. If i had an exciting expedition to the moon or a new business venture of my own - maybe that would peak his interest- being myself i don't think will.
It is sooooo easy to inspect myself and find bunches of things i could have done better or more righter. who is to say if it would have made any difference at all? i'm thinking maybe not. Like "saving" my sister from her alcoholism/self. could have done a million things different & better. in this sitch too - i have regret for every time i was unable to decipher the signs and info (scant & coded tho it was) and come up with the right thing. but i also don't think it was doable. if a worry wort - sensitive gal like me couldn't decipher it and get it rite- what hope would i have now? it would be forever more of the same- me trying and tryng and caring and for nothing.
HOWEVER - i'm getting better at shoving it out of my mind and not "making a decision" - or getting freaked out & pressured.
what will happen will happen i guess - there's kind of a release here in powerlessness and realizing it. maybe this is what it feels like when people can put it in the hands of God and feel okay with that. Maybe it's "giving up" - on the things you can't control or change. i don't know- I feel less embarassed by my failure than just "defeated " but okay with it.
i hopt i'm not just laying blame on other guy- BUT if someone doesn't love you enough to look inside you and them and find the ability to love or overlook or whatever - understand- then what the heck does anything matter??? if you are who you are - and they choose to see bad & put bad spin on - then it's just a black hole sucking you in, this business of thinking ANYTHING could have made a difference in the way they were going or heading.
REALLY- even if we work on our bad aspects- will perfection have anything at all (really) to do with whether they become un-blind to what they have? i think not-
don't know where that leaves us- i guess in the place everyone says of work on things about yourself you'd like to cahnge- not change FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
cripes - sorry - i'm rambling like mad - i'd better go sew soemthing . i didn't have a birthday by the way (i'm an aquarius) - the cake was just a generic one for someone's birthday in the bakery at our Publix - glommie big roses in icing- love that icing. disgust myself
anyway- you sound good too. we can do this- keep our traps shut- keep getting more emotionally scabbed over and hardened up a bit with regard to these guys.
today i'm only wondering about the future- not worrying- big diff. i'm going to try and hold that thought - everybody fingers crossed for a happy life huh?
i'm soooo used to being the guy making the feast for thanksgiving- i feel like it's a day off not having to think about it all. no silver to polish- yay- no cranberry sauce dish to find- yay- etc. only making stuffing. (tho will make a small feast for us here so we have leftovers foreer) - yay. I sure love to eat - gobble gobble (wel, oink really)
