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I know, and I feel the same way in my sitch. Much of it does seem unfair. But then I tell myself that lots of things in life are unfair, and that like you are now realizing, meeting our spouses needs first makes sense strategically. Reminding myself this gives me the strength to carry on with my DB plan.

Eventually she will come around, or I will give up knowing I did my best. When we've been married as long as we have been, I feel we owe it to our partners and ourselves to really give this our best effort.


This is great advice that we all need to remember. My father always tells me that I need to be thinking about what I can do for H, regardless of everything else going on. It seems like a very "antiquated" way of thinking yet I can't see how marriages survive outside of this mindset.


Me54, H53
M 23, T 25
S20, S18
BD: April 2024
Moved out: August 2024

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
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I can't get over all the positives!! Keep it up! Keep it up!! I get the resentful part. My thoughts would be that maybe as you see more and more positives with him you can have a real discussion about your needs as well. Because really it shouldn't be about settling. So in light of that you might also consider 180's that will also fulfill you. Meaning if it is touch you need then perhaps 180's that would encourage that. Am I making any sense?




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Originally Posted By: MKB23
I can't get over all the positives!! Keep it up! Keep it up!! I get the resentful part. My thoughts would be that maybe as you see more and more positives with him you can have a real discussion about your needs as well. Because really it shouldn't be about settling.



Absolutely. But realize that when your partner has given up and said they want out it may take a while to get to the point where you can address your needs with any success. So for now it is about settling, until your spouse is on board. But if you want to see things turn around, someone has to make the first move. We can wait for them or we can take charge ourselves. That's were the perseverance and patience comes in. I'm hoping the members of this board will help me continue long enough to reach my goals. Lord knows I get discouraged and feel like giving up at times.

I guess if DB was easy we wouldn't have so many marriages ending in divorce.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Absolutely what I was trying to convey. We talk about the love tank being full and really once you guys get to a place where he seems pretty happy and things are positive it would be time to really have a discussion.




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Thank you very much, Tumbling, Rubytuesday (I'll look at your sitch), MKB, Regretful and FY for posting. I love coming back to my thread and getting all the pointers and encouragement. I'm open to 2x4s too. I know I keep going on about this, but I'm continually amazed by what an incredible community this is.

I think that you make a great point, FY, about us needing to settle for less until our spouse is on board. H is only just calming down from being really hostile towards me. Regretful, like your H, my H traditionally loves complaining about me. I remember that he once had a therapist who suggested that he not sleep in our bed because my negative/controlling energy could be affecting him while he was sleeping. He loves having therapists on his side. It's not that long since the last spew. We had a horrendous one on Aug 13 and I still cringe about some of the things he said then if I think about it.

While I'd love to start getting certain specific needs of mine met, I know it's not going to happen for a bit in some areas. There is no way that I can ask overtly without H feeling that I'm once again dissatisfied with him. I really don't want to give him any excuse to have a rant about me.

There are enough small positives to encourage me for now. He's home a lot more. I suspect that he hasn't followed through on the project that involved POW. H is v bad at following through on anything but I can't be sure. He's not doing his secretive drinking. I think that's moved into secretive eating but for me that's the lesser evil.

I have been getting more of my needs even though I haven't addressed it directly. He's been more involved in the house and doing spontaneously what I consider to be Acts of Service since normally he leaves everything to me. I have thanked him and made a joke about how he could charge double because of it being a weekend. H fixed our dishwasher yesterday and has sorted out the printers today (both were out of action). He's also been changing a few lightbulbs.

He's been seeking me out more which could potentially turn into Quality Time. He said that he came looking for me again today at my cafe (unfortunately I'd just left to join D15 at the sister cafe). That in itself is amazing. Not that long ago, he would have deliberately avoided that cafe knowing that I could be there--even though it has the best coffee around.

Another quiet day today with no dramas. I really had to bite my tongue though when he popped out 'to buy some coffee' after we watched our episode of The Good Wife. He had supposedly been out to buy coffee grains just a few days ago so I know that that isn't what he's doing. For some reason, he loves using that excuse and I think he forgets that he used it recently. Actually, I don't drink coffee so he knows I'm not up on whether or not we're running out. (I have chilli hot choc at my favourite cafe). If I had to guess, I would say that he's bought himself an ice-cream or a chocolate mousse. Whenever he is trying to lose weight, he does rebound/secretive eating. It drives me absolutely crazy but I know that there is no point calling him on it. He also starts to complain about how hard it is to shift his tummy fat. He said something to that effect yesterday and I had to zip my lips. In the past, I would have pointed out that there is no reason why he should be losing weight given what he's eating. That never goes down well. I let it pass yesterday. I figure it's his business. He's not obese. I think his goal is 15% body fat and he's about 24%. Whatever.

H wants to take S13 skiing in February. Again, my standard response to that sort of idea is to ask him whether he can afford it. I haven't said it yet this time but I really want to. We put 50/50 into a joint account for family expenses but H gets caught short every few months and needs to remortgage his mother's house. I know that that is going to happen soon. When it does, I carry the joint account for a while. I can do it financially but I feel v resentful when it happens.

Traditionally, I feel surprised and let down every time it. I'm trying to see it differently this time. I know it will happen again. I know he will get another mortgage and then catch up with his share of the joint account. At some point, he will have made his way though his mother's property but we're not there yet.

Funnily enough, H just stuck his head around the door to ask whether I was OK with him taking S13 out of school a day early for the skiing trip. I asked casually how he was thinking of us working it financially and he told me he was in the process of getting another mortgage. That answers that worry. Maybe for the first time ever, his remortgage will come through without me having to carry the joint account for a while. That in itself would be a miracle.


Me: 51
H: 52
T: 23 yrs
M: 19 yrs
S18, D16, S14 (special needs)
PA: 2003/2004
Piecing: 2004 on
Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
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I'm sorry your H does the secretive eating and issues. My D12 has the same issue. Hers is trying to self soothe. Do you notice this after anything that he might consider upsetting? Does he realize he seems to have problems with money?




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Wendylon, amidst the ongoing issues, I see the positives. Keep pointing out what's improving, and changing the behaviors that got you nowhere in the past. That's doing a 180 at its best.

I personally don't like IC or MC.

Hugs to you.

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I still can't get over the similarities. My H told me this morning he had a business trip to London and he was thinking about "popping over" to Italy while he was there. His father's family is from there and he was going to go with his dad. I also had to remind H about our finances and asked him how he expected to pay for that. If it were possible to refinance our properties, that would have happened many times over.

I've found fast food bags/receipts in H's car - and when he does it, he really goes to town with a very fattening meal. My H also is a little overweight but never made much of an effort to lose weight (or would sabotage like you say). Only when we were on the verge of splitsville did he start trying in earnest, partly to look better and partly to reduce his snoring.

And your story about H going to out to get more coffee really hits home - since that's been happening more around here lately too.

Still, I think you're operating in net positive territory. Keep biting your tongue, as hard as that is.


Me54, H53
M 23, T 25
S20, S18
BD: April 2024
Moved out: August 2024

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
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Thank you very much Tori, Melissa and Regretful for your posts.

Like you, Tori, I don't really rate IC and MC. I have however been thrilled with the DB sessions I've had. I try to space them out. I don't think IC helps H other than making him feeling vindicated about his hostility towards me. I think he paints such a biased and horrible picture of me that he then has them on side. After a while, he realises he's backed himself into a corner and stops the IC. I think the IC gets fed up with him too since he doesn't leave me. With MC, H always feels that he's on the receiving end of someone having a go at him. I have no temptation to go back there with H.

Melissa, I think H knows he's crap with money. Eight years ago (during his A with OW), he told me that he was turning over a new leaf financially and that I was going to really like the new H. At the time, that seemed so weird because he wanted to be with OW anyway. Needless to say, I have yet to see the new financially-responsible H! I guess H is also trying to self-soothe. How do you deal with your D12?

Regretful, I found the 'coffee beans' just a few minutes ago in H's study. Not surprisingly, it's an empty tub of ice-cream from our corner shop that he's wedged under his desk. I wasn't snooping but I was making space for a heating engineer (another expensive problem) to look at the boiler which is in H's study. I'm so tempted to mention it to him and say that I'd rather he had a dessert when we're out. I think he treats himself to a secret sweet when we've been to a restaurant for dinner and he feels he's missed out on dessert. So he gets himself a 'secret' dessert when we get home. I really hate it. I also hate how he couples the secret eating with declarations about how hard it is for him to shift his weight.

Next time he does, I'll be so tempted to mention the ice-cream. Please advise. He loves telling me about his 'compliant' meals. Last night, he had us guess what he'd had for lunch. It turns out it was tuna salad. Big deal. It seems so sneaky and weak. His study is packed full of junk. Even that puts me off him. I'm pretty minimalist.

I'm not doing too well on my list of positives right now! He's off to Belgium for work tomorrow so I'll have a little break from him until Friday.

Meanwhile, he doesn't think the moustache party is my thing--too boozy--and that he would have more fun there without me. I'm tempted to say to him to go and have fun. It wouldn't do our R much good for him to feel that I'm cramping his style. Since I don't drink at all, my very presence is a style-cramper for him. Selfishly, I'd rather not have to go. I could be home catching up on this board.

I look forward to feedback about the ice-cream issue. I have just thrown the tub in the bin.


Me: 51
H: 52
T: 23 yrs
M: 19 yrs
S18, D16, S14 (special needs)
PA: 2003/2004
Piecing: 2004 on
Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
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Don't mention the ice cream. I would wait and see if there is a time when you can just simply ask him. I ask my D- Tell me about your day. So I can gauge if it has been a good day or bad. Bad day = secretive eating. We actually discuss it. So you might say something but say it differently. You could say I am concerned but not really harping on him. Also, perhaps if you go ahead and buy the sweets but get a healthier version he can feel he doesn't have to sneak. Does that make sense? Like they have lower sugar and lower fat ice creams here.
Another thing is to actively sit down and have dessert together. You could make a "healthier" dessert and sit and enjoy it together rather than the binging that you are talking about. The thing with food is so often it is used as a crutch. We have parties, celebrations, holidays, and then also when something bad happens so funerals, and that sort of thing. There is so much feeling attached to food that you do not want him to have guilt or any anxiety about eating. The problem is not the food itself but how he feels about it.




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