Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[MKB23]

Hey SG- Just a little comment. I often do not wear my rings. Even before BD. Part of it was the whole nursing school thing. Then I got into the habit of it. My H didn't think anything of it, I don't think. He never mentioned it to me. However it did bother me when he didn't wear his. Hmmm. Never thought of that.

Anyway, my point is- don't read too much into it. She could just be having swelling in her fingers or something. You might ask at some point. Though she seems fairly touchy. Not sure when you would do that.

[someguy1233]

Hey SG- Just a little comment. I often do not wear my rings. Even before BD. Part of it was the whole nursing school thing. Then I got into the habit of it. My H didn't think anything of it, I don't think. He never mentioned it to me. However it did bother me when he didn't wear his. Hmmm. Never thought of that.

Anyway, my point is- don't read too much into it. She could just be having swelling in her fingers or something. You might ask at some point. Though she seems fairly touchy. Not sure when you would do that.

She diligently wore her rings. She has the engagement ring, wedding band, and a ring I bought her when S was born all soldered together. It's a large combo. About a year ago it started causing some irritation if worn for extended periods. But she would wear a simple small band if she couldn't wear her real rings. This isn't the case anymore. When the ring comes off, nothing goes on in it's place.

[someguy1233]

Now the way I see it is your W is temp checking. Seems she asks you quite a bit about how you are handling all this. I could be wrong but I'm sensing that she could be thinking she's losing you. If she asks you again about how things would work if you split you should be matter of fact. Now I don't know your state laws but if it were me I would I would tell her that since she wants to split you would take the house you would do what it takes to keep or if she wouldn't agree to that then say well we would sell it and get our own places. She's probably will try to tell to that you are putting your children out on the street or something to that effect all in order to guilt you into giving her the house. I know this because my W tried that on me last year and I refused to move based on her wanting to end our M. She even wanted me to help her pay for bills house her truck payment if I would have given her what she wanted. Plus shes entitled to a big chunk of my retirement. I said no lets be realistic here I would pay for my youngest S 15 and that's all because I would need a place to live and my obligation to you would be over. In PA we don't have alimony and my W has a full time job and makes good money. I also reminded her that she would have to get her own insurance but I would keep our sons on my insurance. It was a calm normal conversation but I was able to see that she was trying to get eveything she wanted. Imagine SG me giving her the house paying for my son (that I have no problem with he's my son) helping her pay for mortgage truck payment utilities. She asked me how she was supposed to afford all that. I told her she would have to figure that out just like I would because I would be starting all over again. She was really mad at me by the time we were finished the discussion but I was just being realistic about everything. So if your W brings that up again that is how can handle it. Of course I don't know how your state handles alimony or spousal support. Just present her the facts.

Neither of us could comfortably afford the house on our own. If we split, it will be sold. We both make about about the same so alimony isn't much of an issue.

I guess I'm afraid to talk about what I think things could be like if we split. I want her to do that hard work. She can come up with the ideas and a plan. Maybe I'm being shortsighted, but I don't see the advantage of helping her figure out how to split.

I noticed she told you she thinks she's depressed and that she is thinking of see someone about it. Depression is a very serious problem but you cannot pressure her to see someone about. Just tell her you think its a good idea.

Agreed. I so badly wish she'd take some action and go see someone. She's admitted to me that she drinks because it makes her feel better in that moment. She needs to find a way to get past that.

Keep doing what you are doing. No R talk unless she brings it up. Talk to her when she wants since she told you she doesn't like you being quiet. You have a great opportunity here your W seems to be very open with you which most of here would die for. Dont give up bud I really think you can draw her back to you. Hang in there and dont sweat the small stuff.

That's true, Leo. She is at least somewhat open. I know she has her secrets (possible OM). But she does what to have occasional conversations with me, so perhaps that's a good thing.

[someguy1233]

Yesterday W said she was going out after work with an old friend from highschool that was in town for Thanksgiving. She said she wouldn’t be out too late. Again, she came home late… 11:30 this time.

When she got home it was clear that she had plenty to drink. She wasn’t falling over drunk, but was in that alcohol induced happy place. She got into bed and once she realized I had woke she wanted to tell me all about her night and what bars they went to. She told me about some of the conversations they had. I tried to engage the best I could, but having been asleep for 1.5 hours, I was struggling to be a good conversationalist. She seemed to have had a great time and really wanted to share it with me. At the end of the conversation she said with a chipper tone, “I love you, SomeGuy.” I replied, “Love you too.” She rolled over and went to sleep.

This morning was a series of bad communication. It seemed no matter what I said, she took it the wrong way. I had the best of intentions but everything came across wrong.

I think it was my resentment that caused the poor communication. I woke up bitter, angry, and lonely. I long for the days when there was someone that cared to hear about MY day. She’ll ask, “How’s it going?” or “How was your day?” occasionally. But it seems to just be a formality. She doesn’t actively listen when I respond.

I mentioned in passing, “I have plans tonight at 7:00.”
She responded, “Sounds good. What are you going to do?”
I replied, “Going out.”
She responded with frustration, “oooooohhhh kaaaaay. You drive me nuts.”

I know I’m supposed to create some mystery. But every time I go out or do anything she asks what I have planned or where I’ve been. She gets annoyed if I don’t divulge the details. Do you all think I should be more forthcoming in the details of my plans?

[MKB23]

Maybe some of them. I would tell her where and when so long as she keeps giving the same courtesy.

Frankly, I am more concerned at all the drinking she seems to be doing. Also, does she drive herself? For someone who is so concerned about S welfare she sure doesn't seem to be concerned in the evenings when she wants to go out. Not saying that she isn't allowed to do that sort of thing but it seems very frequent.

[labug]

This morning was a series of bad communication. It seemed no matter what I said, she took it the wrong way. I had the best of intentions but everything came across wrong.

That's where the alcohol happy place leaves you, hungover and crabby.

Don't blame yourself.

[labug]

when I said you, I meant her.

[leopoldstotch]

SG my W doesn't wear her rings at all. She took them off about a year ago. Like you it bothered me at first but after some time it didn't. Look at like this bud. You are still married your W is still in the house you two share the same bed she opens up to you and she still touches you so don't focus on the negatives. Many people here would love to be in your position.

My W and I haven't ML in a year and at first it killed me but after a few months I got used to it and now Im not focused on that at all. Heck you and your W still hang out at places occasionally. So you see that's another positive. I bet if you sat down and wrote a list of positives and negatives you would see the positive things outweigh the negative things.

I know you hate the uncertainty we all do but I bet if you turn your attention to the good going on and build on them things will work out. I really believe you can do this she has not completely shut you out. Create a little mystery about yourself that will make her wonder about you it even says so in DR. I've told you before and I still believe your W is checking to see if YOU are still interested in her.

I haven't read many stories on here where the WAS was asking how the LBS was feeling towards them.

[leopoldstotch]

Neither of us could comfortably afford the house on our own. If we split, it will be sold. We both make about about the same so alimony isn't much of an issue.

I guess I'm afraid to talk about what I think things could be like if we split. I want her to do that hard work. She can come up with the ideas and a plan. Maybe I'm being shortsighted, but I don't see the advantage of helping her figure out how to split.

Don't be afraid to talk about what things would be like if split because right now at is is "IF". You really aren't helping her figure out how to split all you would be doing is merely presenting the facts. Let's face it the reality is "if" you were to split you would sell the house and you would pay support for your children. I would be hard pressed to believe that you would financially support her correct? Your obligations to her at that point would be over right? That was how I presented it to my W when she told me what she wanted I just gave her the facts. Made her really mad at me but hey if she wants to end things why should you or I still support our ex's financially.

That's true, Leo. She is at least somewhat open. I know she has her secrets (possible OM). But she does what to have occasional conversations with me, so perhaps that's a good thing.

Nothing you can do about that you stumbled upon something you weren't supposed to see and you aren't seeing any evidence of an A are you? You were through that before like me and I think you know that if something was going on your "gut" would tell you. Trust your instincts they are usually correct. I don't know about you but when a S is involved in an A it's almost like you can feel it in the air when they are around. At least that's how it felt to me.

[someguy1233]

Maybe some of them. I would tell her where and when so long as she keeps giving the same courtesy.

Frankly, I am more concerned at all the drinking she seems to be doing. Also, does she drive herself? For someone who is so concerned about S welfare she sure doesn't seem to be concerned in the evenings when she wants to go out. Not saying that she isn't allowed to do that sort of thing but it seems very frequent.

She doesn't drive herself. Usually someone drops her off at the house or she stays out late to "sober up."

I'm very concerned about her constant drinking. She's escaping her life by drinking. She gets immediate pleasure by drinking. I wish there were something I could do... but alas, it's something she must go through on her own.