Can This Be Salvaged?

[25yearsmlc]

So, what is YOUR GOAL HERE?? IS blowing off her invite helping you reach it?

Is it polite to her sister, who very kindly invited all of you? Be polite to the hostess...

So this morning my W asks me if I have plans for Thursday and then tells me that my sister in law says I'm invited to dinner on Thanksgiving. I had told her I wasn't sure but that in the morning our boys and I were going to play football with friends. I told my W I would ask the boys what they wanted to do for dinner if my oldest didn't want to drive with his brother to my sister in laws that I would make us dinner.


How old are your boys? You want to wait til the last minute to let your sil know the answer to her invite? To me, that's not cool. Make a decision...

just playing football and then "making some dinner" WILL not impress your w or her family about how you plan a holiday with the kids...why not make it special?

OR take the invite...


She didn't sound thrilled so I said that we would come after football.

The way I'm reading it, YOU did not sound thrilled...she reached out and so did her sister. MAYBE it's all about the kids, but maybe not. It's one thing to GAL and be a little mysterious, it's another thing to be blase and border line rude.


One day she was all set to go to her sister's alone since she said the boys could do what they want now we are all going. Go figure and here I thought I would do whatever since I wasn't going to say or make an issue out of my W initially telling me I was on my own.

So why not decline taking the boys and let her have them so you can do what you want?

What do YOU WANT? Own that and act on it. OR be flexible and don't set her up for a lose lose situation.

She's not being that weird to me, as you suggest. No offense but If I were her, I would be confused by your reaction, or put off.

[leopoldstotch]

25 I think I owe you an apology for having uou believe I'm not going. I thought I posted that I was and apparently I did not. I did tell my W when we were talking that we would go after football since my W is leaving very early and she said that was fine. Again sorry I had you thinking I wasn't going. I need to make sure I read my posts before I hit submit.

[leopoldstotch]

Once again my W starts yelling at me tonight blaming me and saying its my fault I'm laid off. I just got back from storm work and was working 16 hrs a day for two weeks straight. We were able to pay quite a few bills and have some money saved now. I can understand how it must feel for her to have to get and go to work everyday while I'm home but its not like I sit and watch tv all day.

I do all the house cleaning, cooking etc and I'm also drywalling the house. I'm able to collect unemployment so its not like there is no money coming in. So I took Mr Bonds advice and told my W its not my fault we don't have any work right now and I don't enjoy being home. Its not even like I've been off for months on end. I've worked quite a bit over the last two months. Well she still didn't want to hear what I had to say.

In case I haven't explained when I get laid off I have to call my union hall and get my name on the list. I am not allowed to solicit my own work I have to wait until a contractor calls the hall looking for men. So I can be called back to work at anytime. The phone can ring tomorrow with a job. I've been in this trade for 25 years and layoffs are nothing new. I have been extremely lucky in that I've rarely been out of work this year being the exception. Even explaining that falls on deaf ears. I'm tired of being told it's my fault. Just venting here cause its just no use fighting with my W over this.

[labug]

What trade are you, Leo?

[leopoldstotch]

IBEW Lineworker

[labug]

I have a friend who was a storm damage insurance claims adjuster. When a big storm happens, you get a call and fly to where ever, live in a hotel, assess damage and settle claims 12-14 hours/day.

She said the money was good but it's a crazy lifestyle.

[leopoldstotch]

IBEW Lineworker

[labug]

I saw that, your mention of being laid off, W being unhappy, storm work got my mind active and I thought of other storm related jobs.

I come from a small town with lots of union jobs so therefore lots of lay-offs, lots of drinking, lots of D.

Sad but true. I wonder if there is a correlation between length of/number of lay-offs and D?

[leopoldstotch]

Its very possible and that was a double post sorry. My W got started on all over a mat that I left outside. I drywalled and spackled the foyer so I put the mat outside to clean and forgot about it. She came home from volleyball and said " you left the mat outside and cats are going to urinate on it go get NOW!"

So instead of jumping up and running to her command I sat there. So she went outside and got it herself and on the way by me is when she started the insults. Now I was going to get the mat but I wasnt going to just jump up because she ordered me too. Typically it used to be things like that that would set off a huge fight because the way she talks like would get me going. All I wanted for her to do was ask me to get the mat. I didn't get angry at all just sat there in disbelief that something so minor set her off about me not wanting to work its my fault I'm laid off etc.

In all the years we've been together I don't ever remember ordering her around like that. Makes me think she thinks I'm her doormat.

[25yearsmlc]

Its very possible and that was a double post sorry. My W got started on all over a mat that I left outside. I drywalled and spackled the foyer so I put the mat outside to clean and forgot about it. She came home from volleyball and said " you left the mat outside and cats are going to urinate on it go get NOW!"

So instead of jumping up and running to her command I sat there. So she went outside and got it herself and on the way by me is when she started the insults. Now I was going to get the mat but I wasnt going to just jump up because she ordered me too.

Instead of "showing her" that you won't be ordered around,
THIS^^^ might have been a good time to SAY the following comment while getting the stupid mat and while staying calm but shaking your head in wonder at how OUT Of LINE SHE is behaving...


Insert Your words
"In all the years we've been together I don't ever remember ordering her around like that. Makes me think she thinks I'm [her] doormat."


Typically it used to be things like that that would set off a huge fight because the way she talks like would get me going.

No one makes you "get going" or causes you to behave a certain way. Own your behavior as you want her to own hers. We're all adults.

All I wanted for her to do was ask me to get the mat.

But you did not tell her that. You ignored her, which is passive aggressive. I'm not defending her behavior

but yours was not very effective, was it?


I didn't get angry at all just sat there in disbelief that something so minor set her off about me not wanting to work its my fault I'm laid off etc.

THAT^^^ is the issue you can address.

AND OR just state that you expect to be talked to by a calm rational person and if she's not that person, you might not "hear" her...

In all the years we've been together I don't ever remember ordering her around like that. Makes me think she thinks I'm her doormat.

sometimes my incredulity was what my h would note, way more than my anger.

Me being angry rarely, IF EVER, helped my cause. But being hurt, or being dumbfounded sometimes made him realize he was sounding like a nut or a bully. That gave him pause, which is all we can realistically hope for, IN the heat of the moment.

There's a lot going on here, more than a recent lay off would account for.

What do YOU BELIEVE HER - real issues are with you? What else does SHE SAY the issues are?

And last, but not least, I gotta say I'm NOT too impressed with the union problems I keep hearing about.

Maybe it's fine but to ME, preventing you from searching for work b/c you got laid off, IS not good for YOU...(it's good for the UNION'S power but not the members. I hate that. Insane.

reminds me of the Hostess company...the baker's didn't want a pay cut though they knew the company had serious problems. The Teamsters union agreed to the pay cuts!

So now none of them has a job...and we can't get Ho Ho's!...brilliant...