wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[25yearsmlc]

I catch myself looking at the success stories and I see some that were fixed in a few weeks

No....I've been here 6 years (reconciled after 2 years, and had a year of piecing).

WHO fixed their situation in a "few weeks" and had it last? I have never seen that happen that fast...ever. IF a couple "reconciles" in less than say, 3 months, I have a hard time believing they'll stay married long term. That's just fear of being apart that makes them "reconcile"...not true change or insight. That takes time.

What matters, what is KEY, is that

you demonstrate that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

How ANYONE can do that in a few weeks, is beyond me...it requires genuine time consuming change on YOUR end and hers.

So how would marriage to you now, be better or different than before?

Why won't you simply revert to old ways as soon as she takes you back?

I ask that b/c it's HER FEAR....

or a couple months and I keep thinking "why can't that be me?"

someday it can be you. You are NOT powerless. But what are YOU doing to change you?


But then like just now my son wanted to call my W to say goodnight, after she was done talking to him she asked to talk to me, when I picked up the phone I could tell she had been drinking so I asked her if she had been and she said "yea I had a couple so?" and started to talk about how were doing the kids on thanksgiving, we settled it and I found myself asking her where she was, she said at her moms and seemed like she wanted to get off the phone, I asked if she was lying

WHY Are you blowing it like this? Learn to STFU and NOT ask questions like that. Frankly it's none of your business if she's been drinking if she's not driving your kids

and you said you thought she was LYING? Hey, read the book again or finish it or do what it takes so our words sink in...


and she said "no would you like to talk to my mom?" I said no I believe you. Then she asked if I could meet her after work tomorrow rather then her come out to my parents to pick the kids up(I'm working out there tomorrow). I asked why and she said she feels really awkward around my family.

The question "WHY?" Is usually going to cause a defensive reaction in your spouse. My DB coach told me that and it's a good lesson. Don't bother with all these questions as they do NOT HELP YOU....

they lead to conflict and escalation.

If I were you and she mentions a bad memory you can say "W, If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"...

and if she makes something up (or YOU think she has) then you say

"Wow w, I sure don't recall it that way but I'm so sorry you were hurt..and drop it.

This way you do not escalate anything BUT you "own" that you may need to change and you get it.

When I talk to her i just realize how done she is with me through our little convo.... And man it hurts... I really can't bear it

what she SAYS now does not make it true,

AND

even if she does believe ALL that she says now, it does not mean she cannot change her mind.

I wrote in my journal from 2005 and see many "certainties" I had that were not correct

or were "right" but are now NOT what I feel. Nothing she says is written in stone.

WE tell you to "Ignore all that she SAYS and half of what she DOES" for a reason.

Let it slide off your back and get back to working on YOU and only you.

make sense?

You're not powerless. You have work to do on you, so begin...